


Rejoice And Love Yourself Today ´Cause Baby You Were Born This Way

by grand_budapest_queen



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Adopted Children, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anorexia, Bisexuality, Depression, Eating Disorders, Engagement, F/M, Family, First Kiss, First Time, First Time Bottoming, Gay Pride, Gender Exploration, Gender Identity, Love, M/M, Marriage, Marriage Proposal, Mental Health Issues, One Shot, Pride, Recovery, Self-Worth Issues, Trans Character, non-binary identity, the cats
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:47:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 66,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28411134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grand_budapest_queen/pseuds/grand_budapest_queen
Summary: A series of modern day Maycury stories in which our boys navigate the challenges and joys of 21st century society whilst living their best chaotic lives as one disaster gay and one nerdy bisexual.
Relationships: Brian May/Freddie Mercury
Comments: 56
Kudos: 32





	1. Happy Pride, Baby!

**Author's Note:**

> Hello my darlings,  
> I hope you are all doing well. Lockdown and the current situation is weighing me down so much and writing is the only thing that keeps me sane right now. This is my little way of escaping the every-day-madness and dreaming of the better days that will surely come. So I´ve put my two favourite boys in all of the modern day scenarios that I´m dreaming of right now.  
> I´m hoping you´ll have as much fun reading those little 21st century AUs as I had writing them.  
> Sending you all lots of love and good vibes and wishing you all a happy, healthy and lighter 2021!

„Oh…Oh shit…“, Freddie groaned into the pillow he kept pressing his face into, „Oh darling…fuck…”

Brian chuckled against the warm, moist skin of his boyfriend´s hole under his tongue and then placed another playfully light lick onto the puckered flesh. 

Freddie let out a sound that sounded awfully close to a sob when Brian grabbed the plush cheeks of his bum a little harder and put down a little more pressure as he placed the following lick. 

God, he loved this! Loved how loud his boyfriend would get when teased and pleasured like this! Loved how a mere years ago, he would have called anyone who would have told him that he would eat out his boyfriend on a Saturday morning at 7 am that they were crazy!

Anyone who would have told him that he would eat out someone´s arse…or had a boyfriend for that matter…

Freddie moaned desperately, when Brian´s teasing finger´s wandered down his bum, along his lean thigh and towards his heavy balls, which he started cradling in his hands. This morning, Brian simply wanted to push all of his buttons.  
It was a special day after all!

Brian pushed his tongue flatly against Freddie´s hole and at the same time, closed his finger´s around the other man´s shaft. Freddie´s cock twitched and Brian hummed against his flesh in delight. 

“Please…please Brimi, need you…need you inside of me…”, Freddie sobbed, as Brian once again flicked his tongue over the singer´s hole, a succession of fast little licks that had him heaving for breath. 

“Yes…that sounds lovely, baby…”, Brian murmured, a grin on his face as he grabbed the singer´s hips, watching Freddie wiggle his bum like an over-excited puppy, which earned him a playful slap onto his right arse cheek. 

“Yes daddy!”, Freddie moaned loudly, but the sound was half-drowned out by the giggle that came from his lips almost at the same time, as Brian tickled his side. 

“Fred, shup up!”, the guitarist cried out in embarrassment.

“Sorry, sorry…couldn´t help it…”, the singer murmured under his laughing. 

Freddie knew very well how shy his boyfriend was when it came to their newly discovered mutual fondness of certain kinds of kinks, the new pet name and the bondage robes and blindfold at the very back of their wardrobe included. 

At 27, Brian felt like it was only in the past year that he had been with Freddie in which he truly had discovered what it felt like to enjoy sex, to crave it, to want it, to need it. 

“Where did that gosh-darn lube go…”, Brian murmured and Freddie kept on giggling, the momentum slightly lost, but none of them minding it too terribly as they fished around in the rumbled bedsheets.

“Ah, there it is, the little bugger!”, Freddie exclaimed and handed Brian the container, some incredibly tacky stuff with a pink tint to it, that Freddie had ordered online for them a few weeks ago because it apparently smelled like strawberries and watermelon. 

It didn´t but Brian had to admit that he liked the sight of the pretty pink-tinted stuff when it coated his cock so smoothly as he lubed himself up. He rubbed his tip against Freddie´s hole and his warm, heavy balls, humming with delight as Freddie arched his back. 

“Ready?”, he asked, his hands softly running up and down the singer´s slim thighs. There was the sliver of a second in which the room fell silent, a moment Brian gave to his boyfriend every time they slept with each other. It was part of their little routine, a way for Brian to make sure that he had the consent of the man that he loved, to make sure that he felt safe and comfortable with what they were doing. 

It had taken Freddie a while to open up to him and while he had already worried that the singer had previously made some quite horrible and violent experienced with other men, it had only been when they had started dating that Freddie had finally found the courage to tell Brian about those experiences of abuse, both physical and verbal. 

He knew that Freddie appreciated those little checks of consent and Brian´s care for his well-being greatly and the guitarist took great comfort in knowing that his boyfriend felt comfortable and safe around him. 

“Yes…”, the singer said softly and it was then that Brian pushed into him in one smooth movement of his hips. 

“Ah…so good for me, baby…”, he groaned, his eyes fluttering shut and his hands roaming over the singer´s narrow waist and up his trim shoulders, leaning forward.  
“So tight…”, he added in a soft whisper, his brow slightly furrowed as he enjoyed the sensation of the tight, all-engulfing heat of his boyfriend´s body. 

“Please Brimi…please move…”, Freddie pleaded, shuddering slightly as Brian did just what he had asked of him. 

They quickly fell into a punishing rhythm, fast and hard and fuelled by the excitement and the hint of nervousness that came with the day ahead of them. The room was filled with the slapping of their skin, their breathing, that grew fast and restless and the faint noise of the London traffic outside their bedroom window.  
The bed started making its usual squeaking noises, shaken by Brian´s movements. 

“Harder!”, the singer pleaded and Brian once again leaned forward, his bony, hairless chest meeting Freddie´s back. 

“Yeah, you want me to fuck you harder, babe?”, he groaned against his boyfriend´s slightly damp neck, dark hair tickling his nose as he pressed the tip of it against the black strands, inhaling the flowery scent of Freddie´s rose shampoo. 

“Yes…please…”, the singer whimpered and Brian sped up the movements of his hips, grabbing his boyfriend´s thighs and then grabbing them even hard, holding him in place while he fucked him.

“Oh shit…Yeah…just like that…”, Freddie praised and Brian couldn´t hep but for the winning smile that started to spread on his lips. 

Oh god, this man was going to be the death of him!

“Yeah? You like that?”, he teased in a hoarse voice and Freddie nodded his messy head of black curls and waves. 

“Yeah, fuck yeah! Your cock feels amazing!”, he agreed and every time Brian moved, the headboard of the bed slammed against their bedroom wall, causing quite the noise. 

Their could hear their next-door-neighbour Reginald turn up his kitchen radio. 

Brian grabbed his boyfriend´s slim hips even harder, his fingers leaving angry red imprints on the bronze skin and he felt himself clenching his jaw. 

“Say you love my cock!”, he gritted out, feeling himself blushing with how filthy those words sounded, his long, curly hair sticking to his sweat-dampened neck and forehead. But fuck, it felt so damn good to talk like this sometimes, to forget that he was an astrophysicist and an e-guitar virtuoso and just shag the man that he loved in the most filthy of ways. 

What a good fucking life this was!

“I love your cock! I love your ginormous, hard, beautiful fucking cock!”, Freddie moaned so very beautifully and Brian could already feel his movements getting erratic. 

“Fred…shit, you´re gonna make me come…”, the guitarist moaned helplessly and Freddie chuckled with absolute delight. 

“Yes Brimi, fuck me until you come! Fuck me with that big, fat cock! Shag my fucking brains out and fill me up with your cum!”, he pleaded hoarsely. 

“Ahhhh…oh Freddie…fuck!”, Brian groaned, his eyes slipping closed, his hips slamming against Freddie´s backside so hard that it hurt. 

“Brimi…yes! Fuck yes, my darling!”, the singer shouted.

“Oh Fred…oh baby!”, Brian groaned loudly.

“Oh god damn, you fuck me so fucking good, darling! Yes, you´re a fucking god, you…”, Freddie screamed but his flow of filth, moans and exclaims of delight was suddenly interrupted by a loud banging on the other side of the wall. 

“Are you guys out of your god-damn minds?! Goodness gracious!”, their neighbour Reginald cursed.  
Once again, there was the sound of angry banging, “Shut the fuck up! It´s 7 in the morning for God´s sake!”, he shouted, which made Brian stop in his tracks. 

Freddie was the first to start giggling, a breathless, beautifully silly sound and Brian couldn´t help but laugh as well. 

“Oopsie daisy…”, the singer muttered, still very out of breath and Brian couldn´t help but laugh even harder, although he felt quite bad for it. 

“Maybe we should…”, he muttered, struggling to catch his breath, “…be a tad bit more quiet…”

Freddie snorted with laughter, pressing his sweaty and flushed face into the pillow under him, before he nodded.  
“Yeah…let´s…”

Brian pulled out slowly and as he watches his boyfriend lie down onto his front, he simply let himself sink down next to him, Freddie turning onto his side as well, so that his backside now snuggly fit against Brian´s chest and lap. 

“Hello you…”, the Persian chuckled, his head turned back as far as possible, giving Brian an adorably toothy grin and pressing a quick kiss onto the tip of the guitarist´s long nose. 

“Well hello you…”, Brian replied with a smile and kissed his boyfriend on the lips. 

“Want to keep going?”, he asked as he pulled away and Freddie nodded eagerly, smiling brightly. 

“Hang on, give me a sec…”, Brian lined himself up behind the singer, pressing a line of kissed from Freddie´s shoulder blades up to his neck and the Persian sighed with delight. 

Brian pushed back into his boyfriend´s waiting hole and oh, it was lovely and intimate and slow as Brian kept on kissing Freddie´s tan shoulders and neck while the singer moved in time with his thrusts so beautifully and moaned so softly, so sweetly. 

“I love you…”, Freddie whispered hotly and they shared an open-mouthed and clumsy kiss, before Brian replied, “Love you too, baby…”

Freddie came first, almost quietly, shivering and sighing against the fingers Brian kept pressing over his mouth simply for good measure and just to keep him quiet and maybe also because he liked it just a little bit and as the singer clenched around him, Brian needed but a few more deep thrusts before he spilled as well. 

“Happy Pride, my darling…”, Freddie whispered against his lips, still catching his breath. His skin seemed to practically glow in the sunlight that now shone in through their bedroom window and Brian once more asked himself how this has come to be his life and how this beautiful man had come to be his boyfriend. 

“Happy Pride, honey…”, he replied and they shared a kiss that was just as breathless as it is sweet. 

“You look amazing, darling!”, Freddie exclaimed as he walked into their bed-/ living room in his favourite yellow bathrobe, an hour later, his hair still wet from the shower. He was seeing Brian in his full Pride attire for the first time. 

For their very first London Pride Parade as a couple, Brian had been wanting to choose something special, something that he felt comfortable and confident in, while at the same time showing everyone that he was a proud member of the lgbtq+ community. 

Well, a very new member…a very insecure and shy and anxious member…

But a member still!

Brian had gone for the simple but stylish combo of a midnight blue dress-shirt and chino pants of the same colour, both made out of the same shiny, silky material. Freddie himself had painted his nails with silvery, sparkling nail polish just the night before. 

The real statement piece of his outfit was the Bi flag, the vibrant colours of pink, purple and blue a lovely contrast to the rest of his outfit. The flag was still laying on one of the armchairs by the window, but once they would get going, Brian had planned on wearing it as a sort of cape. 

“I don´t know…”, Brian murmured, self-consciously watching himself in one of the mirrored doors of their wardrobe. Both the shirt and pants were quite fitted, extenuating his long, slim legs and narrow hips. Usually, Brian preferred a much more relaxed style of clothing, corderoux pants, simple long-sleeved baseball tees and Doc Martens for instance and not this…

It was way out of his comfort zone and he still remembered not being quite so sure of the outfit when he had bought it in a vintage store in Camden with Roger three weeks ago. 

“Really? Do I?”, he asked, running his hands over his slim hips. 

“Yes you do, my love. You´re absolutely stunning, just like on any other day.”, Freddie stepped in front of him, grabbed his hands and pressed a quick kiss onto his knuckles, “But today, you´re simply divine, Brimi.”

Brian smiled down at him, still feeling slightly insecure, leaning down to kiss his boyfriend on the forehead. 

“Thank you, Fred.”, he murmured and the singer got up on his tiptoes to press another kiss onto the corner of Brian´s mouth, smiling, his eyes sparkling with excitement. 

“You´re welcome, dear!”, he let go of Brian´s hands and made his way towards the dresser next to their bed, in which he kept all of his hair tools and makeup, “Now shoo shoo, get out! I need to sort out my hair!”

Brian retreated to their very small kitchen, having another cup of tea and bopping about to the Elton John songs Freddie had put on over the speaker connected to his phone.

Brian smiled when he noticed the lock screen of the phone, a picture Freddie´s sister had snapped of them in spring, when they had been to a lovely vegan café in Brixton to have brunch with her.  
It had been the very first warm day of the year and Freddie locked very handsome in his sunshades and his floral-patterned vintage bowling shirt, light-washed mom jeans and yellow chucks, leaning against Brian´s shoulder, who wore a blue and white striped ringer shirt, in which he now thought his arms looked like noodles, slung around Freddie´s shoulders like that. 

They were both grinning like idiots, happy about the beautifully spring day, high on the delicious vegan pancakes and utterly relieved that Freddie´s little sister Kashmira had been absolutely accepting and supportive of them. 

Freddie´s phone made a little buzzing sound as he got a notification from Instagram, telling him that he had gained 15 new followers over night. His social media account had started as a little hobby, just like Brian himself and their friends Roger and John had accounts but over the last few months, Freddie had gained quite a few followers, having reached 10k on his account “queerkillerqueen” just a week ago. 

He decided to do something for his own account as well and filmed a boomerang of his hand, all glittery silver nail polish, holding his black, star-constellation mug with tea, the morning sun shining down on it. “Getting prepared for a brilliant day!”, he titled it and even put a small waving rainbow flag, simply because it felt good to finally be open about who he was. 

The sudden sound of their doorbell pulled him from his thoughts. 

“Could you get that, Brimi darling? Should be Deaks!”, Freddie called over from their bedroom. 

“Yeah, sure baby!”, Brian replied and walked through their miniscule and very messy hallway, towards the door of their flat, almost tripping over a pair of his favourite moss-green Doc Martens and Freddie´s pile of Converse shoes and cheep heals. 

Freddie had been right. When Brian opened the door, their friend and bandmate John Deacon stood in front of it, all shy, gap-toothed grin and short fluffy curls. 

“Hullo…”, John said and blushed, as he always did when he was happy, excited or a little nervous, which Brian reckoned was the case right now. After all, it was his first Pride as well.

“John hi, come in, come in!”, Brian greeted him as they shared a quick hug.

“Careful, don´t trip over Freddie´s shoes…”, Brian joked, pulling a face and John laughed, the both of them noticeably nervous and slightly awkward but very excited for the day to come. 

“Would you like something to drink? Fred´s still busy getting ready.”, the guitarist said as they walked into the kitchen. 

“Hello Deaky darling! Drinks are in the fridge!”, Freddie shouted over from the bed-/ living room. 

“Hi Freddie! I think I´ll have some Cider for now!”, John called back, grinning at Brian, who quickly fixed him a can of fruity berry Cider, which he knew was the bassist’s favourite. 

“Your outfit´s awesome, Bri! The blue really suits you!”, John said after the first sip of Cider, smiling at Brian, who gave a slightly helpless smile. 

“Thank you, Deaks. Well, it´s not complete yet…There´s this cape I´ve got…well, it´s a flag actually…”, Brian stammered and the youngest member of their band nodded enthusiastically.

“Bet it looks real cool, mate!”

“Oh well, thank you…although, seeing your slightly more subtle touch on this whole Pride thing I think I´d rather…”, Brian gestured towards John´s clothes.  
The bassist was wearing a simple combo of light-washed vintage jeans and a pale-grey t-shirt tucked into his jeans. On the left side of the shirt, there was a tiny little ace flag, his purple vans being the same colour as the purple in the flag. 

There was a small silver hoop in one his ears and a tiny silver stud in the other one. 

The outfit was very true to John and he seemed to be much more comfortable in it than Brian was in his clothes. 

“Brian May, today the word subtle is simply forbidden!”

Freddie had suddenly appeared in the kitchen and both Brian and John stared at him with wide eyes, speechless. Very fittingly, the music coming from the speaker had changed to Lady Gaga´s newest album Chromatica and was now playing “911”, one of Freddie´s favourite songs. 

The singer was wearing red and white striped shorts that were so incredibly tiny that they left nothing to the imagination. His chest was bare but for a pair of red suspenders. His hair was an effortlessly tosseled mess of dark curls and his dark eyes were accentuated beautifully by a sharp winged line, his high cheekbones glowed with a frosty highlighter and his plump lips glistened with a subtle gloss. 

He looked absolutely incredible and Brian felt his face growing hot with pride to call this beautiful, proud, amazing man his boyfriend. 

Freddie send the both of them a winning grin. 

“I really like your outfit, Deaks! Very cute!”

“Same goes to you, Fred! Wow, look at you!”, John said, still seeming slightly overwhelmed, just like Brian, who struggled quite hard so supress the urge to grab the singer´s arse, which looked insanely good in those shorts. 

“Well, thank you…”, the singer replied and then smiled innocently, “Not who´s going to be a right sweetheart and take a few pictures of me? I haven´t posted yet today and I want my followers to get a picture of my fit in good lighting.”

“I´ll do it.”, Brian replied with a little pretend-eye-roll and a smile and Freddie blew him a kiss. 

They spent the next twenty minutes not only taking pictures of Freddie, but also of Brian and John, using the white wall and the window front of their bed-/livingroom as props and getting more and more silly with each sip of cheap Cider and terrible store-bought mix of Voda-Cola and Gin-Tonic while they sang and danced to Lady Gaga, Dua Lipa and David Bowie. 

Freddie set away at posting a picture, when his phone gave another buzzing noise. 

“Oh, that´s Roggie! He´s on his way! We should get going as well!”, he announced and they grabbed their backpacks full of water, liquor and snacks and put on their shoes. 

Brian tied the Bi flag around his neck like a cape in front of the mirror and watched Freddie wiggle his bum while he tried to get into his white plateau Doc Martens. John had gone to the bathroom for a last quick panic wee.

“God, those shorts…”, Brian whispered into his boyfriend´s ear, his arms looping around Freddie´s trim waist, feeling the tight material of the shorts under his palms. 

“Are they to your liking, my darling?”, Freddie purred, pressing his lips against Brian´s cheek, grinning like a cat who had just gotten its cream. 

He gave a little yelp when Brian pinched his bum. 

“Shut up, you little tease, you know you look positively edible…”, Brian groaned, his fingers digging into the plump flesh of Freddie´s bum cheek, “Especially that peach of yours…”

“And it´s only yours, Brimi…”, Freddie replied and teasingly nipped at Brian´s smooth jawline. 

“I´m going to have another taste of it tonight, I think…”, the guitarist chuckled and pressed his crotch against the singer´s bum, which made Freddie giggle with delight. 

“Well, if Reginald´s alright with it…”, the singer murmured, alluding to their angry next-door neighbour. 

“Don´t drag Reginald into this again, Fred. I think he wouldn´t appreciate that very much…”

“Roggie!”, Freddie exclaimed as he spotted their drummer in front of their favourite Kensington coffee shop. The streets were extremely busy already and Brian had worried if meeting in front of a coffee shop had been a good idea. 

Roger had the biggest smile on his face as he saw them, all stylish Rayban sunglasses, red bandana around his head, white tank top, black adidas gym shorts and Nike trainers. On one of his cheeks, he had painted a rainbow flag and on the other it said, “proud ally”. 

“Freddie mate, you look awesome, you absolute legend!”, the drummer exclaimed and pulled Freddie into a tight bear-hug. After that, his gaze set on Brian, “Look at you, Bri! Look at you!”, he shouted excitedly, pointing at Brian´s Bi flag and hugging him just as tightly. Roger knew that Brian had come a long way before he had been able to accept himself and it was touching to him to know that Roger was such a good ally to his queer friends. 

“Deaks man, love your shirt!”, they heard Roger saying loudly as they squeezed into the coffee shop to get iced coffee for all of them. 

“You´re looking very good yourself, Rog!”, John replied, blushing slightly. 

“Yeah, I do, don´t I?”, Roger replied and Freddie and him lurched right into a discussion of who would be able to pull more guys if Freddie weren´t so madly in love with Brian and Roger weren´t as straight as an arrow. 

“Do you see her anywhere?”, John asked, nervously chewing his bottom lip and getting onto his tip toes to see over the heads of the hundreds of people surrounding them. They stood in front of the Hard Rock Café on Piccadilly Circus, having taken the Tube, already sweating in the sea of people around them. 

“No…sorry Deaks…But I´m sure she´ll be here in just a sec.”, Roger replied, lifting his shades a little. 

“Gosh, it is busy!”, Brian murmured. He had Freddie leaning up against him, his arm around his boyfriend´s shoulder. Freddie had bumped into a friend from his course at Uni, a lovely girl with green curly hair, a nose ring and a very cute girlfriend with lots of flowery tattoos and long blonde hair up to her waist. 

Brian had the impression that Freddie was showing him off a little to the girls, but they seemed genuinely happy for him and even a little impressed with Brian, judging by the way Amy, the blonde and tattooed one of the couple, kept smiling at him. Maybe she was simply misinterpreting his Bi flag and Brian had a bit of a hard time avoiding her gaze of fluttering lashes and winks while Freddie had started gossiping with her girlfriend. 

“Ah, there she is!”, John suddenly exclaimed as he spotted his girlfriend Veronica in the crowd and rushed over to her. 

Roger and Brian shared a grin as they watched John greet the pretty and petite Veronica, shyly kissing her on the lips and tenderly stroking a strand of long brown hair behind her ear.  
“Aww mate, those two are wholesome as fuck.”, Roger commented and then took a big gulp from his bottle of beer. 

“Hello, you guys!”, Veronica said as they came over to Brian, Roger and Freddie.

“Oh my god, look at the two of you! So damn cute!”, she said as her gaze set on Brian and Freddie, still arm in arm. 

“Thank you, darling! Although I must say, you and Deaks look pretty damn awesome as well!”, Freddie complimented them and John blushed, while Veronica giggled. She wore a pale purple Lolita dress and black platform shoes, her and John holding hands the entire time and seeming very much in love. 

Suddenly, the people around them started moving towards the street and they could hear music coming closer from the distance. 

“Ah, there´s the first truck!”, Roger shouted, waving one of the rainbow Pride flag Freddie had provided all of them with. The singer had spent hours upon hours painting their band Queen´s intricate logo onto each of the flags and they ended up looking absolutely amazing. 

“Let´s get this party started!”, Freddie whooped, already starting to dance to the distant tune of Y.M.C.A. that blared from the speakers of the parade´s first truck. 

Brian giggled with delight as Freddie pressed a long, sticky kiss onto his lips. They were all covered in glitter, very sweaty and absolutely hyped on the music, the people and the parade, walking right in the middle of it. 

“Did you see that, darling? Did you see me up there?”, Freddie asked, as he pulled away from the kiss, his hands all jittery and his fingers clutched the knot of Brian´s Bi flag-cape. His eyeliner was slightly smudged and his eyes were teary with excitement. 

He had just jumped down from a waggon full of drag queens, completing the spontaneous show of singing Pride classics such as “It´s Raining Men” and “Big Spender” after one of them had spotted him in the crowd and simply offered him to come up there with them. 

“Yes, of course I saw that, baby! You were amazing!”, Brian gushed, covering his boyfriend´s face in eager kisses. 

“Bloody brilliant, mate!”, Roger shouted over the music. The Blonde beamed at Freddie, his face flushed with excitement as he waved his Queen rainbow flag. 

Freddie squealed with happiness and Brian couldn´t help but kiss him again, right here, right in front of everyone, because yes, this was his boyfriend, this was his man and this was what made him happy. 

“I´m so proud of you…”, he murmured into Freddie´s ear and the singer grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly, gazing up at Brian like he was the happiest man in the whole wide world. 

Two hours later, they had broken away from the parade, sitting on the sidewalk somewhere close to Charing Cross. The street around them was littered in confetti and in the distance, they could hear the music from the many stages all around this part of the city. 

They were all knackered and quite happy about the kebab shop they had found, happily munching on their Doner (and vegan falafel roll for Brian), blissfully exhausted but already quite excited for the night of partying that lay ahead of them. 

Freddie was on his third red bull of the day after Brian had managed to feed him half of his falafel roll in between his boyfriend´s gushing about his grand time up on the wagon of drag queens but now Brian had given up and contently listened to the singer tell the story of his performance for the hundredth time. 

“Brian?”

As the guitarist blinked against the afternoon sunshine, his brain slow and lazy from the Cider and his hunger, it took him a little longer to recognize the familiar silhouette of his ex-girlfriend Chrissie.

He almost choked on the Falafel and quickly got up on his feet, blushing, smiling awkwardly and chewing at the same time, feeling like an absolute idiot as her eyes travelled down his form and lingered onto his Bi flag, as well as his nail polish and the glitter he had everywhere. 

“Chrissie, hey! Nice to see you!”, he quickly replied when he had swallowed and mindlessly handed Freddie his food, who wasn´t quick enough to grab it, so it simply landed on the pavement, a pathetic heap of fried chickpeas, tahini paste and lettuce. 

They both awkwardly jerked towards one another, not sure on how to greet each other and ending up in an awkward, half-hug. 

“How are you doing?”, she asked when they had both pulled away, a kind, warm smile on her features, even though Brian couldn´t help but notice her slight confusion at his attire.  
“Good, I´m…doing very well…How about you?”, Brian asked, his cheeks burning with heat and shyness. 

“I´m doing alright.”, she shrugged, “Moved to Brighton, changed uni courses. I´m here for the weekend, visiting a friend.”

Brian couldn´t help but cringe at her mentioning that she had moved away. Their relationship had ended in a horrible mess and even though they had split up on good terms, he wasn´t exactly proud on how things had come to a close. 

For years he had struggled with his attraction towards men, feeling like he had to push it away and only date girls before last year, he had finally caved in and admitted to himself that he was bisexual. With his mental health declining and Brian hiding away in his room, they had drifted apart more and more. 

It had been so bad that Brian had done nothing but lay in bed, staring at the ceiling or study for his exams because if he was scared of anything then it was academic failure. He had stopped eating, stopped sleeping and had ended up working himself into a complete burnout. 

If it hadn´t been for his bandmates, Brian was sure that he wouldn´t be here right now. They had taken action and had started looking after him, patient, loving and kind towards him, cleaning his apartment, washing his clothes, bringing him food, keeping him company, holding him when he needed to cry. 

It had been Freddie who had helped him get a therapist, who picked up his meds for him and stayed behind at the flat when Roger and John had left for the night. 

Finally, Brian had been able to admit to himself that what he was feeling for his friend was much more than admiration, brotherly love and gratitude. 

He vividly remembered a cold night in the last year in early January when they had sat together on Brian´s bed in his then student flat, the singer quizzing him on some of the answers for one of his upcoming exams. 

Freddie had handed him a mug of tea and as Brian had looked up at him, he hadn´t been able to hold back anymore and had kissed the singer. He still remembered the way Freddie´s lips had curved into a smile, as he had put down the mug, framing Brian´s flushed face with his hands, whispering, “Oh Brimi…finally…”

They had practically become inseparable ever since, even more so than before, and after weeks of practically ghosting her, Brian had finally worked up the nerve to break things off with Chrissie, even though he hadn´t been able to come out to her or tell her about Freddie. 

Maybe now was finally the time to come clear about the whole business. Maybe now was the time to finally be honest to the girl he had once loved so dearly. 

“Have you been to…you know…the parade?”, Brian asked with a shy smile. 

“The Pride parade? No, I wanted to but we kinda missed it, me and my friend went for brunch and then we…yeah, just…kinda missed it…”, Chrissie explained and then nodded towards Brian´s cape-flag. 

“But you´ve been…with your friends…?”

Her eyes set on Roger, who was still busy munching on his kebab and who quickly raised his hand to greet her. 

“Hi Chrissie!”, he said around a mouthful of meat and garlic sauce. 

“Hello Roger.”, she replied with a little chuckle. 

Suddenly, Freddie stood up next to Brian, a big smile on his face as he casually laid his arm around Brian´s shoulder. 

“Hello darling, good to see you!”, the singer chirped and Brian didn´t know if he wanted to laugh or cringe as he saw her eyes wandering up and down Freddie´s extravagant outfit, coming to a halt on the arm the singer had slung around Brian.

“Oh, hi Freddie! Nice outfit!”, she said a little lamely, but the singer´s smile didn´t dim in any way. 

“Thank you, my dear.”, he replied and leaned his cheek against Brian´s shoulder. 

They had once all been in a friend group. Roger and whichever girl he dated at the time, John, Freddie and his ex-girlfriend Mary, who he was still pretty close with, Brian and Chrissie, a happy bunch of uni students, sharing flats and drinks, going out to party and on study dates at cafés, all complete with a group chat and their own inside jokes and memes. 

Still, Brian had known that Chrissie had always been jealous of the strong connection he had with Freddie, had always been a little more quiet and clingy when he was around. 

It was the same look in her eyes right now that told Brian that nothing had changed. But he also knew that right now was the right moment to finally own up to who he was and to the man he loved.  
There was nothing wrong or dirty about who he was, he told himself once again. He was proud of who he had grown into.

“Well em…actually. Freddie, he…he´s now my em…boyfriend.”, Brian said slowly, carefully and felt himself blushing. He felt Freddie´s arm tighten a little around his shoulders. His boyfriend knew how much Brian still struggled with being out of the closet and how much he had dreaded ever having to come out to his ex-girlfriend. 

“Oh…”, Chrissie said quietly, swallowing thickly but then, a wobbly little smile started to spread onto her lips. Slowly, it seemed to turn genuine. 

“That´s lovely…”, she said and then looked Brian right in the eye as she said, “Really I´m…very happy for you…”

And right now, Brian believed her. Because he knew that, even though their relationship had ended, they would always care for one another and wish each other only the best. Chrissie had a heart of gold and Brian knew that he had done her wrong in cutting her off like this. 

It was as if something between them that had been wrong for a long time had been set right, as if she had finally understood what Brian had been meaning to tell her for so long.  
And a massive weight seemed to be lifted off of Brian´s shoulders. He felt jittery with the relief. 

“Right em…well…eh…”, she murmured, gesturing over towards her friends waiting for her. 

“We…we could…grab a coffee…somewhen…”, Brian quickly said and she nodded. 

“I´d love to, Bri.”, she said with a soft smile. 

“I´ll text you.”, Brian promised and they shared a quick hug. 

“You guys could come over to Brighton…all of you, I mean. I miss you!”, her gaze drifted over towards Freddie, Roger and John. She grinned at the bassists, who she had only now noticed, spotting Veronica and the way he was holding her hand. John grinned back at her and nodded.

“Alright…I´ll see you around then.”, she said, seeming a little shy now and they all waved her goodbye. 

“Well…that wasn´t so bad, was it?”, Freddie said when she was gone, pressing a quick kiss onto Brian´s upper arm. 

“Yeah…pretty awkward…but…okay, I guess.”, the guitarist murmured, still feeling quite overwhelmed. 

“Well, as awkward as meeting your ex-girlfriend on the day of Pride can be, am I right?”, Roger shrugged, giving Brian a supportive smile. 

“Well, maybe a little less bad than you would have imagined, wasn´t it, darling?”, Freddie asked him, now standing in front of him. The singer tenderly stroked his cheek and pulled Brian out of his thoughts. 

“Yeah…but only because you guys were there.”, Brian replied and pressed a quick kiss onto his boyfriend´s wrist. 

“Ah bugger, water´s gone cold again!”, Brian cursed as he rinsed out the last bits of glitter from his hair, shuddering under the cold stream of water coming from the showerhead. 

“Oh sorry, darling, think I´ve used too much of the warm water.”, he heard Freddie saying from behind the other side of the shower curtain of their bathtub. The small bathroom was filled with hot steam even though they had opened the window.

“It´s alright, don´t mind it…”, Brian replied and turned off the shower, pulling back the curtain and reaching for his towel, which he quickly used to pat dry his long, curly hair. 

Freddie was standing in front of the bathroom mirror in his favourite pair of tight little red Calvin Klein underwear, applying a fresh layer of foundation onto his face, already much further in the process of getting ready for their night out in town. 

The singer´s gaze met his in the mirror and he smiled at him. Brian couldn´t help but blush just the slightest bit. Even though Freddie had seen him naked thousands of times, even though they had been a couple for over a year and moved into their own little flat just six months ago, it was moments like these that felt the most intimate to Brian. 

Moments when it became so evident that they now shared a life with each other, that they lived together as a couple, that they felt comfortable and safe around each other, trusted one another, sharing the bathroom, their bed, money, food, their dreams of the future and their fears, their love for each other. 

The singer put down his make sponge and turned around, now facing Brian. 

“Would you mind if I dried you off, my darling? I´d love to do that for you right now.”

“Em…”, Brian halted for a second, clutching his towel and looking at his boyfriend, a little undecided.

It wasn´t that he didn´t want this, didn´t want Freddie caring for him like this. It was more so his ever-present insecurity and those spurts of self-doubt that would take a hold of him whenever he was so bare, not just without clothes but also vulnerable, open and as always, a little scared. 

But then he looked into his boyfriend´s lovely brown eyes and he saw only love, only acceptance, only adoration and he changed his mind. 

“Yes, thank you, baby…”

He climbed out of the tub and then sat down on the edge of it, while Freddie took the towel from his hands and kneeled down in front of him, starting with his feet, humming along to the music playing from the speaker, “Diamonds” by Rihanna.

“We´re beautiful like diamonds in the sky…”, Freddie sang along and Brian couldn´t help but smile down at him, resting his hands on his boyfriend´s shoulders, sighing softly.

He felt relaxed and safe, cared for and adored right now, sitting in their tiny cluttered bathroom that was stuffed with ivy plants and succulents on the windowsills, Freddie´s makeup, perfumes, lotions and potions and Brian´s science magazines next to the loo. 

“I love you…”, he said softly, quietly and Freddie looked up from his work of carefully running the towel over Brian´s skinny thighs. 

There was such warmth in Freddie´s eyes, such genuine love and fondness as he smiled up at Brian, his front teeth peeking up from under his upper lip. 

“Love you too, darling.”, the singer said and gently brushed a curly strand of hair from Brian´s forehead. But the guitarist shook his head with a jittery smile, feeling his throat tighten, blinking against the sudden wetness in his eyes. 

“No, Fred…listen. I love you. So so much.”, he whispered and it was then that the Persian seemed to understand. 

“I love you too…Brimi…”, he replied in a soft voice and leaned in a little, pressing a quick kiss onto Brian´s temple, “My sweetheart...”, another kiss landed on Brian´s cheekbone, “My beautiful…”

Freddie looked up at him, his eyes shimmering wetly as he smiled at Brian, vulnerable and open and Brian knew that there would never be another man for him. 

“You´re making me a happy…a very happy man, Brian.”, Freddie said, “Happier than I´ve ever been.”

A tear fell from Freddie´s eye and a small sob escaped his lips, quickly swallowed by the laugh that followed and Brian couldn´t help but pull him into his arms and wipe his tears away. 

“I…I feel so free when I´m with you. I feel like I can do anything…like there´s nothing I need to be scared of, nothing I need to fear…you´re my haven, Freddie. You´re my everything.”, he whispered against the singer´s cheek with a small sniffle and allowed himself to cry a few tears of happiness as well. 

“Happy Pride, Brimi…I love you so much.”, Freddie said when he leaned back a little, smiling up at him. 

“Happy Pride, baby. To the many many more Prides we´ll celebrate together.”


	2. We´re right where we belong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello folks,   
> I hope you´re all doing well. For the second story of my modern day Maycury AUs, Brian is on a quest to ask his beloved Freddie the most important of all questions. But sometimes, proposing to someone and wanting for it all be perfect can be trickier than one would have thought.   
> In terms of visuals, this story is set in a timeline where Freddie is 38 (turning 39 soon) and Brian is 37, so we´re having glorious moustache!Freddie and handsome Live-Aid-era!Brian. (Just a 21st century version of that).
> 
> I´d love to hear what you think of my little AUs. They are so much fun to write!   
> And now, enjoy!

Brian had been planning on doing it for at least a year now. He had been thinking about it for even longer. Embarrassingly long. Since-Freddie-and-him-had-hit-the-two-year-mark-of-their-relationship-long. 

This had been three years ago. Three years since after a gig, they had stormed off stage, absolutely high on the incredible experience of yet another amazing concert and the adrenalin that came with being cheered on by thousands of people in a football stadium, Brian had looked at Freddie, sweat-soaked and grinning from ear to ear, his skin glowing, his eyes sparkling, and thought “I want to marry you!”.

Of course, he hadn´t said it. In fact, he hadn´t even properly admitted to himself that he had thought it. But the thought had been there, lingering at the back of his mind and slowly making his way to the front of it, crawling, sneaking, tip-toeing with the soft persistence of love and trust being built, growing with each month and each year. 

They had built Queen together and they had been friends for a long time before they had become lovers, the change creeping in so casually that none of them had noticed at first, two men in their early thirties, cluelessly stumbling around each other, battered and bruised from past relationships, from heartbreak, pain and the realization that they would not be 25 forever, that marriages could fail (in Brian´s case), that a baby couldn´t patch things up if they had been broken beyond repair in the first place (Brian again), that sometimes someone looked and felt and seemed to be your soulmate, but they just weren´t (Freddie this time) and sometimes, they even were tremendous arseholes (once again, Freddie´s experience). 

They simply had looked at one another one night, another one of those crazy, drunken, post-gig nights some five years ago and had realised that yes, they were in love with each other and yes, they couldn´t be without one another and yes Brimi, I did get a hard-on that night we played spin the bottle back at Roger´s old student flat ten years ago, thank you for bringing that up again now come here and kiss me, you idiot!

It had suddenly all made sense to them and it had also made just as much sense to their bandmates Roger and John. 

Suddenly, apart from Queen, there was them, Freddie and Brian. Although, there always seemed to have been Freddie and Brian, this inseparable connection they had always had, this synchronicity of the mind that suddenly seemed to have found a way to be expressed in physicality as well. 

Things had fallen into place so easily, so effortlessly and soon Freddie had been bouncing little Jimmy, Brian´s son from his previous marriage, on his lap while they sat on the sofa whenever Brian had him for the weekend and soon, that sofa stood in a flat they shared with one another. 

They had soon swapped the flat for a bigger one and then an even bigger one in Kensington, a spacious loft with lots of light and lots of room for Brian´s guitars and books about space as well as Freddie´s antique vases and his piano, overlooking the roofs of the buildings around them and as the years went by, things had become more and more domestic. 

The press had found out about them quite early and after the general hubbub about Brian divorcing his wife and him allegedly cheating on her, had died down, they had lived a relatively quiet life. For years, Brian had made no comment about his sexuality, even though it was an open secret that he had been with Freddie for years. 

Two years ago, he had publicly come out as bisexual, followed by a lovely couple photoshoot with Freddie, both of them in various outfits and in various settings. Brian´s two favourites were pictures taken behind the scenes of their last world tour with Freddie and him talking, sitting closely together in the dressing room, both in their white dressing gowns, Freddie talking with his hands, his eyes sparkling and Brian simply smiling at him. They looked grossly in love with one another. 

Freddie had posted the picture on his Instagram and his followers had showered them with love and support. It had touched Brian deeply how people of all ages had commented, how much their public display of proud queer love meant to them, how empowered they felt thanks to them, how it made them feel more comfortable with themselves. 

Apparently, they had become the role model that Brian had been looking for when he had been a scared 21-year-old who had fancied his then girlfriend Chrissie just as much as his new friend Farrokh Bulsara, who desperately wanted to be the singer of the band him and Roger had just founded. 

The other picture, the one that Brian loved just as much, had been taken on a professional set, the both of them wearing suits, around them a sea of white magnolias, holding hands, playing around with the flowers, kissing even. A set of three of those pictures hung above their sofa in the living room. 

Brian was proud of those pictures and he loved how everyone could see them when they walked into the wide, open space of their living room area. Most people thought they were wedding pictures and every time someone commented on them, Brian was reminded of his plan, of the question lingering in the back of his mind. 

Sometimes, he had been so incredibly close to just blurting out the question, of not overthinking it and just saying those magic words, of simply asking. This reaction was mostly triggered by situations of intimacy, of moments of extreme closeness. 

Touch was both of their love language and so even after five years, the sex was still as when they had first gotten together, better even. 

It had been a night in mid-August when Freddie had lain next to him in their bed, the room illuminated by nothing but the soft glow of the Himalayan salt lamp on the Persian’s bedside table. They had both been tired that night, ready to snuggle up in each other arms and sleep after a day of recording the first demo tracks for their new album, but then one goodnight kiss had led to another and they simply hadn´t been able to stop from there. 

Freddie had almost been asleep already, snuggled up against Brian, but then the guitarist had turned slightly towards him, his head resting on his hand, looking down onto Freddie´s relaxed, soft features. 

The singer´s trademark moustache, which he had now worn persistently for three or four years and which Brian loved so much on him, had twitched slightly, as he had noticed Brian´s gaze on him.   
Their lovemaking had been tender, slow and a bit clumsy in the beginning, with a lot of small chuckles and soft kisses, a lot of just taking their time and going for what simply felt good, what made them feel closest to one another. 

“What is it?”, Freddie had asked him, his voice a low purr, his eyes still closed. 

I want to marry you…, Brian had thought and, in this moment, he had realised that he had to, he simply needed to ask the question. But not now. Now wasn´t the right moment. He needed to be prepared, to set everything in order, to make it perfect. Because Freddie deserved nothing less than that. 

“Nothing.”, Brian had replied with a chuckle and had gently swiped his thumb across the perfect curve of his lover´s cheekbone down towards his jaw. 

Freddie had cracked an eye open, wary as ever, even in the presence of the man he trusted most in the world. Brian wondered if the Persian would ever believe, when he told him that he was beautiful. Because Freddie had never in his life believed it to be true and maybe, he never would. It broke Brian´s heart to know this.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”, the singer had asked, a sliver of insecurity in his eyes but a smile on his lips,” “Nothing you haven´t seen in the last five years…”

“Because you´re beautiful.”, Brian had replied and had watched Freddie scrunch up his nose, “And I´ll never get tired of looking at you.”, the guitarist had added and had watched his boyfriend´s smile soften a little. 

“Even when I´m old and grey…you know, I´ll probably start getting bald spots on my head soon, my dad´s got them.”, the singer had chuckled, running a hand through his short, dark hair. 

Brian had leaned down to nuzzle at Freddie´s double crown, smelling the flowery scent of his shampoo, feeling the slight coarseness of the shortly cropped hair against the skin of his cheek. 

“And my skin´ll go all saggy and dull…”, Freddie had continued and Brian had raised his head again, to look down at him.

“I wouldn´t mind one bit. I´ll probably look just the same…”, the guitarist had replied, “Besides…I don´t think that´ll happen. Nothing is ever going to dull the radiance you´ve got…not even old age.”

The initial flattery with Brian´s compliments seemed to have quickly been replaced by the realisation of what the guitarist had just told him as Freddie´s smile had grown slightly wobbly. 

“That´s how long you´re planning on sticking around ?...`Til old age?...”, the singer had repeated, a little quieter this time. 

“And longer, Fred.”, Brian had whispered and Freddie had grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly, so tightly as he had smiled up at Brian, his front-teeth peeking out, so vulnerable and happy and oh so beautiful to Brian. 

“So we´re going to haunt Roggie and Deaks together after we´ve died.”, Freddie had joked. 

“Well, if they aren´t already waiting for us up in heaven.”, Brian had replied and had lain down onto his back, the soft cotton of the sheets feeling heavenly on his naked skin. 

“Darling, I´m not planning on going to heaven”, Freddie had replied with a giggle as he got up from the bed to open the windows and let in some of the fresh air of the cool rainy night. 

“Oh?”, Brian had replied, sighing softly as he had crossed his arms behind his back, watching Freddie waggle his eyebrows at him. 

“Yeah, heaven´s horribly boring! I want to go to hell, it´s much more fun, darling! Think of all the interesting people you´re going to meet there.”

A few weeks later, Brian had come up with the perfect plan on when to propose to his boyfriend. 

A nervous fluttering in the pit of his stomach had been his constant companion as he had tried and succeeded in casually finding out the Persian´s ring size, frantically searching the tacky silver rings his boyfriend had worn some ten years ago when they had still been long-haired uni students. 

Brian had found them in a small box at the bottom of their wardrobe, tangled in the dainty necklaces Freddie had worn back then and he had carefully run his fingers over the cheap jewellery, relishing in the fond memory of those olden days, those careless, wild and free years, taking comfort in the thought that the singer still held those memories just as dear as him, as he had still kept his old jewellery. 

It had taken Brian the whole afternoon to pick out a ring but, in the end, he had found the perfect one. Silver, with a perfectly carved clear diamond that was nice and sparkly but not too bulky, so it wouldn´t bother Freddie when playing the piano. When the light fell onto the stone, it shone in the colours of the rainbow, a soft shimmer to it and as Brian had imagined the ring on his boyfriend´s finger, he had suddenly found his heart beating like a drum. 

After picking out the ring, it had been much more difficult to dodge the paparazzi, which were waiting for him in front of the shop, somehow having found out that Queen´s guitarist Brian May was doing some shopping at Cartier´s. 

Freddie had been too busy with planning his big birthday party to ever pay those pictures much attention, he had probably assumed that Brian had gotten him another one of the dainty silver and golden bracelets from there, which he loved dearly but never wore in fear of ruining them. 

Brian was glad about it. Freddie´s 39th birthday party at the infamous Mrs. Henderson´s drag club in Munich was just the right occasion for Brian to ask his boyfriend if he wanted to marry him. The singer was so busy with planning everything, sending out invitations, putting together a menu, ordering champagne and cake as well as the elaborate decorations for the place, that Brian had enough time to plan everything out. 

He was hoping to find a quiet moment with Freddie after midnight, maybe when the party had quieted down a little, when they could escape to one of the balconies or a hidden corner. He imagined himself taking a giggly and tipsy Freddie into his arms and whispering into his ear, that he had a special birthday present for him, before going down on one knee and asking him to be his husband, preferably without causing a big scene of cheering in the presence of many of the party guests. 

Brian wanted it to be special but private, a small stolen moment in the midst of the loudness and buzz of the party, something magical that they could both enjoy and would always remember.   
The fact that he would be wearing a quite revealing and frankly a little silly witch costume while doing so, didn´t bother him too much. The party´s theme was “Black and White” but since Mrs. Henderson´s was a drag club after all, Brian had wanted to join in in the fun. 

He smirked when he thought about the fact how much life had changed for him since he was with Freddie, how much more comfortable he now was in trying things out, in being proud if not loud, but still happy with who he was and happy, very happy indeed, with the life he led. 

For another two weeks the ring sat in it´s little red box at the bottom of Brian´s bedside drawer before his son Jimmy, of all people, had found it during his last stay at their flat before Brian and Freddie would be leaving for the birthday vacation in Munich. 

Brian´s son was now five years old and even though he usually wasn´t very fond of naptime after lunch, he had been compliant on that afternoon. His son´s favourite place to nap was not the small and cosy bed Brian and Freddie had placed in the room they had decorated especially for him, but their bed, simply because it was so big and, as Jimmy was adamant about, much more comfortable. Brian and his son had laid down on top of the covers of it and while Brian had hoped that his son would sleep a little, he himself had dozed off while reading him a story from his favourite book about astronauts and had woken up to the sound of the singer making tea for them in the kitchen and Jimmy rummaging through his bedside drawer, opening up the little red box with the ring. 

“Darling, what are you doing? Ugh…I must have fallen asleep…Did you sleep at all, little monster?”, Brian had groaned, blinking slowly and rubbing his eyes. 

“Are you going to ask Uncle Freddie to marry you, Daddy?”, Jimmy had asked, excitement of his features as he looked at his sleepy father and it had been then that Brian had realised what his son had gotten his hands on. 

“Shhh Jimmy, sweetheart, not so loud! Put it back where it belongs please!”, he had said, quickly sitting up and carefully taking the box with the ring from his son´s small hands. 

“Are you? Are you going to ask him?”, Jimmy continued excitedly and Brian smiled softly at his son, carefully putting the ring back into the drawer before sitting Jimmy down onto his lap. 

“Yes, Jimmy, but not today, yeah? It has to stay a secret because it´s going to be a birthday surprise.”, Brian explained to him, while trying to listen to the sound of Freddie unloading the dishwasher in the kitchen, hoping that he couldn´t hear them. 

“Wow, that´s a cool surprise…”, Jimmy had whispered excitedly, “I bet Uncle Freddie´s going to be really happy about it.”

“Well, I hope so, sweety.”, Brian had replied. 

“Do you think you would look good in a white dress, Uncle Freddie?”, Jimmy had asked half an hour later when him and Freddie had sat by the singer´s piano, Freddie teaching Brian´s son a few easy melodies while Brian had sat in an armchair nearby, his tablet on his knees, currently trying to come up with the lyrics for a song he was working on for their new album. 

Freddie had laughed softly and shot Brian an amused look but the guitarist, who had already sensed what his son was on about, had quickly shaken his head at Jimmy, preferably without Freddie noticing. 

“Well, I´ve never worn a white dress, darling. Not yet.”, Freddie had given a small giggle, his eyes crinkling at their corners as he took his hands of the piano keys and smiled at Jimmy. “Why do you ask, sweetheart?”

“Well because…I was just thinking that you might have to shave off your moustache if you wanted to wear a white wedding dress. So it wouldn´t look weird, you know?”, Jimmy had continued to explain, entirely ignoring the expression on his father´s features, who still tried to signal him to stop talking. 

“Oh, a wedding dress?”, Freddie had replied with a twinkle in his eyes and his smile had grown much too knowing. 

Jimmy had nodded enthusiastically and smiled brightly at him. 

“Yeah…or maybe Daddy should wear it. He doesn´t have a moustache…but then he´s so much taller than you, Uncle Freddie, maybe that would look weird as well…”, the boy had mused and Brian had taken the last chance to get out of this conversation without his son spilling his secret. 

“Okay, why don´t we get started on making dinner, hmm Jimmy dear?”, he had said quickly, getting up from the armchair and walking towards the piano. 

“But it´s only 4 pm, darling?”, Freddie had protested, but Brian had lifted up his son, now carrying him in his arms and spinning him around, mostly to get the boy´s mind off the topic of the previous conversation and to distract him from asking any more questions about white wedding dresses. 

“Well, I´m really hungry! What about you, little monster?”, Brian had asked hastily. 

“I want pizza!”, Jimmy had shouted, bouncing up and down and nearly knocking his forehead against the bridge of his father´s nose, while Brian carried him towards the kitchen.

“We can make some ourselves, with some nice veggies on, yeah? Come on, off to the kitchen we go!”

“For the record, I think I would look fabulous in a white wedding dress.”, Freddie had said on that night, sitting in front of his vanity desk in the bedroom, going through his usual routine of applying all of his lotions and potions. 

They had started packing for their trip to Munich, last minute as always, and the room had been an utter mess of their clothes. 

“Oh, I´m sure of that.”, Brian had replied with a small smile, already wearing his stiped pyjama bottoms, his bare chest pressing up against the dusky pink silken robe Freddie wore, when Brian squeezed in next to him on the small bench in front of the vanity desk. 

“Although…I think I´d also really like the idea of us in matching black suits…each with a magnolia in our button hole…”, he had added, just to test the waters a little. 

He had already packed the ring, the small red box securely resting in his favourite pair of space themes socks, neatly packed away into his suit case. 

The Persian had stopped applying his rose-scented hand lotion, smiling at Brian´s reflection in the large mirror in front of them. 

“And a top hat for you…I know you love those silly things.”, the singer had added and chuckled softly, as Brian´s hands had gone around his waist and the guitarist had rested his chin on the Persian´s shoulders. 

“They´re not silly…”, Brian had protested, teasingly nibbling at the singer´s earlobe. “A little bit silly maybe…”, he had then added, which had made Freddie chuckle again, until his eyes met Brian´s in the mirror´s reflection again. 

“It´s quite lovely…to dream of such things, don´t you think?”, Freddie had whispered and a soft flush had coloured his cheeks. 

“Very lovely indeed…”, Brian had replied and he had struggled to hide how giddy his boyfriend´s words made him feel, how happy it made him to know that Freddie was dreaming of marrying him, “Speaking of white dresses…why don´t you see if you can find that lovely white negligee we´ve bought in Paris this summer…I think I´d love to see you in it tonight…”, he had added quickly, to keep himself from spilling his secret. 

“But I´ve already packed it for our trip…”, Freddie had replied with a pout and Brian had tightened his hold around his boyfriend´s slim waist. 

“Did you, baby?”, Brian had growled into his ear. 

“Hmhm…I thougt it´d be something nice and cosy to slip into when I´m awfully tired and hungover from all of the wild partying we´ll be doing.”

“Well, then let me take it out of your suitcase again. There´s no harm in wearing it tonight, is there?”, Brian had replied and Freddie had turned around in his arms to look at him. 

“But what if we get it dirty, darling? What should I wear then?”, the singer had whispered, fluttering his lashes and aimlessly letting his hands run up and down Brian´s naked shoulders. 

“Well, you´d just have to walk around naked, wouldn´t you?”, Brian had suggested, feeling utterly giddy with excitement and being absolutely unable to conceal the fact that he had a secret, that he was planning something. But on that night, Freddie had been oblivious to it. 

“Oh…Mr. May, you wicked man…”, the Persian had whispered. 

“Let me show you just how wicked I can be…”, Brian had whispered, trying to pick up his boyfriend from the bench to lift him up into arms and carry him towards the bed bridal style, almost succeeding, hadn´t it been for the fact that he had tripped on one of Freddie´s trainers laying around and sending them both down onto the bed rather ungracefully, laughing like maniacs. 

“We still need to practice that, Brimi darling!”, Freddie had chuckled, “For when you really do carry me like the dainty little damsel I am.”

“It might work better when you´re actually wearing a white dress, baby.”, Brian had replied, trying to reach for his boyfriend to pin him down onto the mattress and take off that silk robe, but Freddie had dodged him, quick as a weasel, jumping towards his suitcase to find the white negligee. 

Not even 24 hours later, they had been on the plane to Munich to spent the first week of their trip mostly at the studio with Roger and John, who had flown in a little earlier as well, recording the first few snippets of songs for their new album. 

Those precious hours they had had to themselves were spent simply enjoying life and being a little more lazy than they usually were, ordering room service, having some long afternoon naps and then going out for some German beer with Roger and John. 

Every day Brian had checked his little hiding place for the red box with the ring, tucked away in the pair of socks, until the big day had finally come. 

Until then, everything had gone just as Brian had planned for it to go. 

He had woken Freddie up with breakfast in bed, complete with a birthday cake and a bouquet of 39 heavenly smelling, vibrantly yellow roses, then a nice, slow blowjob and a hard, nasty fuck that left Freddie just perfectly satisfied and boneless enough to enjoy the bubble bath that Brian had prepared for him. 

Flushed and relaxed, Freddie had lain in the water, giggling over Brian, who, for the first time in his life, had shaved his legs in the shower next to him, for them to be perfectly smooth for the fishnet tights he would wear on that night with his black witch´s costume. 

When Brian had been done in the shower, Freddie had persuaded him to climb into the bathtub as well, where gently, Brian had washed his boyfriend´s hair and massaged his scalp, which had left Freddie purring like a cat. 

“I´ll get my present tonight, babe.”, Brian had told him when they had dried off and he had seen his boyfriend´s eyes shimmer with excitement. More than anything in the world, Freddie loved birthday surprises. 

Next had been endless facetime calls with friends and family to congratulate Freddie for his birthday, a cheeky half-naked mirror selfie from Freddie, champagne glass in hand and the yellow roses in the background, taken for his Instagram account to show people that even at the old age of the 39, one could still look quite fit and also have some fun. 

They had had lunch in a small café near the “Englischer Garten” and then taken a little walk in the park until, by late afternoon, they had started getting ready for the big party. 

Of course, Brian had been involved in the process of putting together Freddie´s costume for the night, seeing him hunt for the right fabrics and materials, watching him sketch out the cut of the uniform jacket and the pattern of the harlequin leggings but when his boyfriend had walked out from the bathroom in full costume, all subtle winged eyeliner, perfectly groomed hair and moustache, preppy uniform jacket and tightly fitted harlequin leggings, Brian had been left to simply gape at him. 

“Baby, you look amazing…”, Brian had stammered and Freddie had beamed at him, flushing with excitement, flattered by Brian´s compliment, a hint of shyness on his features as he came closer. 

Brian, currently in the process of struggling into his fishnet tights, had taken the Persian into his arms, his tights only half pulled up, probably looking a mess, but not really caring. 

“Really?”, Freddie had murmured softly, a certain nervousness in his eyes and Brian had known that for all of his flamboyance and confidence on stage, Freddie would always need that little bit of extra reassurance, a bit of praise and love to finally understand how wonderful, how amazing he was. 

“Really, Fred. You´re positively glowing…sparkling…shining…”, Brian had said, tenderly stroking his boyfriend´s cheek and then Freddie had nodded a little shakily and kissed Brian sweetly. 

“Thank you, Brimi…”, he had replied and then raised his eyebrows at Brian as he had noticed the state of undress the guitarist was still in. “Oh dear, we need to get you into your costume as well! Chop chop, we don´t want to be late!”

Brian had let Freddie help him with putting on the tights as well as the silky witch`s robe and hat and they had had great fun with putting a little make up onto his features, a hint of sparkly eyeshadow, a bit of lipstick and even some mascara. 

Once darkness had started setting over Munich, they had popped open another bottle of champagne, which they emptied in the car on their way to the club, giggling and kissing like silly, love-struck teenagers. 

The little red box with the ring in it was now safely hidden away in a small leather crossbody handbag (borrowed from Roger´s wife Dominique). It went quite well with his costume even though Brian felt a little silly with it. 

More champagne was consumed and they picked up John and Roger from their hotels and while they were all getting significantly tipsier, they arrived at the club. Brian stumbled around in his eight inch stiletto heels, cursing his choice of shoes but marvelling at the set up of the club, the hundreds and hundreds of white roses, the spaciousness and the sheer luxury of the place. 

The guests started arriving and to become a little more sociable and fight his usual shyness, Brian had some more champagne, proudly slinging an arm around Freddie´s shoulder, who was now the centre of attention. 

Friends and colleagues from all around the world had followed the singer´s invitation and their costumes were so outrageous, revealing and downright amazing that Brian´s head was soon spinning with all of the new and familiar faces. 

Or was that due to the champagne…?

Selfies were taken, pictures were snapped and Brian was sure that the club would soon find a new popularity with the people of Munich, since Instagram would practically blow up with the hundreds of party snaps the guests were taking. 

As the night went on, Brian lost sight of his boyfriend a little. Of course, he wasn´t going to cling to him like a lost puppy, keeping him from having fun, from dancing and talking to people just because all of this wasn´t particularly his cup of tea. 

Of course, Freddie didn´t simply abandon him, but after a while of checking uü on Brian every 15 minutes or so, his guests didn´t let the singer simply slip away anymore and Brian lost sight of him.

John, like he always did, stuck to his side, maybe because the bassists himself wasn´t much of a social butterfly. They checked out the buffet, found a table and watched the people around them get more and more hyped up with each glass of champagne, each line of coke, each remix of an 80s or 90s song that the DJ played. 

Brian now switched from champagne to Gin Tonic. He would surely need the liquid courage if he wanted to follow through with his plan tonight. 

“Easy, easy, man!”, John said as he watched Brian wobble towards the table with his third drink, stumbling around in his high heeled shoes. Wisely, the bassists had decided against any drag extravaganza and was wearing a simple white shirt with some black suit pants and of course, flat shoes, which Brian saw with much envy.

“Sorry…”, Brian murmured as he plopped down onto his chair and took a sip from his drink. “But I need to have some booze in me…need some courage tonight, you know…”

“You´re already slurring, mate!”, Roger suddenly appeared from the crowd on the dancefloor, slightly sweaty from his wild antics and sat down next to Brian. “No more drinks for you for a while!”  
The drummer tried taking the tumbler from Brian´s hands, but the guitarist shook his head vehemently. 

“No…No, Rog, listen…I need this…”

He leaned in a little, a big grin on his face as his friends watched him with raised eyebrows. 

“I´m going ask Freddie tonight…”, Brian murmured with a slightly wonky smile. 

“Ask him what, Brian mate?”, Roger questioned, a steadying arm around Brian´s shoulders, who took another big gulp of Gin Tonic. 

“To marry me of course!”, Brian slurred, his tongue loose from the drink and watched his friend´s faces light up with excitement. 

“Aww Brian, that´s amazing!”, John cooed, slapping his knee but a slight look of worry appeared on the drummer´s features. 

“But Bri, why did you choose today to do it? This whole crazy-party-lot´s-of-people-publicity-all-eyes-on-you-business is not your thing at all! Are you sure you´re comfortable with this?”

“Yes, but it´s Fred´s thing! And it´s his birthday!”, Brian explained in a serious tone while he had trouble focussing on Roger´s face. The world around him had started swaying slightly and he was feeling all warm and fuzzy inside, although in a slightly uncomfortable way. “I want to make this special for him! He´ll love it!”

Brian took another sip of his drink. “Besides, I´m tipsy enough to work up the courage to not be too bothered about all those people around here.”

“Mate, you´re bloody pissed already!”, Roger protested but Brian shook his head, which didn´t really do anything for his dizziness. 

“No, I´m not! Look, I can still stand perfectly fine even in those heels!”

And with those words, he got up from his chair, arms flailing about as he tried to keep his balance. Roger and John were by his side within seconds. His witch´s hat had fallen to the ground and Brian hastily blinked a few times to steady his head.

“Bri, you´re drunk. You really should be sensible and have some water, rest a little.”, John murmured into his ear. 

“Yeah mate, ask your special question tomorrow when you´ve gotten over your massive hangover.”, Roger added. 

“Darlings!!!”

From the crowd of party guests, Freddie himself emerged, flushed and giddy and absolutely ready to pull Brian into his arms. 

Brian smiled brightly at his boyfriend, clinging to him to keep his balance, the singer´s face slightly out of focus as he leaned closer to the guitarist. 

“Brimi, my sweet, I know it´s not really your thing, but I´d love to dance…Just one song…just because it´s my birthday…pretty please…”, Freddie asked, making big brown puppy dog eyes, which made Brian giggle and flush with how utterly and foolishly in love he was with the man in front of him. 

The song “Call Me” by Blondie had started playing and for some strange reason, the alcohol in his system told Brian that he could and would in fact dance tonight, even though he usually tried to avoid it if he could. 

“Course baby…course we can dance…”, he slurred and Freddie smiled at him, giggling giddily and grabbing Brian´s hands, pulling him towards the dance floor, the guitarist stumbling after him in his heels, trying not to sway too much or bump into people. 

“Are we a bit tipsy, Brimi dear?”, Freddie asked as he seemed to have noticed Brian´s lack of coordination, pulling him closer into his arms to steady him a little. 

“Just a bit…”, Brian murmured, blushing, his hands clinging to his boyfriend´s shoulders, giggling in a way that he would have despised when sober. 

“It´s okay…I´ll hold you tight…no one will notice, hm?”, Freddie replied, smiling up at him. As far as Brian could tell in his current state, none of the other guests had noticed his slight slurring and stumbling. Yet. 

The party way in full swing and Brian was more than thankful that Freddie had found him. He was starting to feel slightly overstimulated by the loud music, the people around them and the whole atmosphere of the place. 

“Are you been having a great night? Are you enjoying yourself, darling?”, Freddie asked him, his warm breath ghosting over Brian´s ear, leaning up a little. 

“Yeah…it´s great, Fred…”, Brian replied, droopy-eyed and slow, feeling like his mouth wasn´t even able to form the right words anymore. 

Oh God, how much did he have to drink? Maybe Roger was right. He was absolutely pissed. Absolutely bloody pissed. 

“If it´s a bit much for you you´ll tell me, yeah? I don´t want you to feel uncomfortable, my darling.”, Freddie continued, pressing a soft kiss onto Brian´s sweat-dampened cheek. 

“Course, Fred…I´m fine…”, the guitarist murmured, leaning his forehead against his boyfriend´s steady shoulder.

Okay, pull it together, May!, he thought to himself. Come on, you´re not going to behave like some idiotic teenager on their first night out! You´ve got a mission to complete!

“You´re not just saying that, are you, Brimi? You know you can tell me…”, Freddie asked softly, his hands now gently running over Brian´s back, as the guitarist´s head snapped up. 

“Gotta give you your birthday present soon…”, he slurred and tried to focus his gaze onto Freddie´s eyes so he could directly look at him. 

“I´m so excited for it, my darling.”, Freddie encouraged him with a big smile but Brian could already see a smidge of worry lingering in his glance as he looked at the guitarist. 

“Yeah…gotta ask you something really important…”, Brian continued to slur and with his next step, he almost stumbled and fell, his ankles hurting so bad from the heels he was wearing. He clung even tighter to Freddie. 

“Brimi, are you okay?”, the singer asked him but Brian shook his head, determined to complete his mission of the night. 

“Yeah, course I am, Fred, listen to me, baby!”, he demanded urgently and Freddie nodded. 

“I am, I am listening, darling.”

Brian took a deep breath, squeezing his eyes shut for a second to gather up the strength to keep on talking, but it only made his dizziness much worse and suddenly, he was hit with a horrible wave of nausea. 

Oh God, the room was spinning again. And why was Freddie looking so worried? 

“Good…good…because it´s…it´s…really important that you listen closely when I…”, Brian got about this far before he could feel the vegan matcha and coconut icecream as well as the beetroot burger he had had at the buffet making their way back up. 

He coughed and pressed his hands in front of his mouth. 

“Sorry…I think I´m gonna be…”, he heaved and then stumbled away from Freddie, almost twisting his ankle as he wobbled away on his heels, frantically looking for the next toilet. 

“Bri! Brimi!”, he heard Freddie behind him and then he saw people turning their head and staring at him, making way for him but still looking and Brian felt so horribly ashamed. 

What an idiot he was! How he must have embarrassed Freddie! 

“Come on, mate. Off to the loo we go.”, Roger suddenly said beside him. “It´s okay, I´ve got him, Fred, don´t worry…”

The next ten minutes went by him in a blur. Roger helped him hobble to the loo, where he was sick two times, alternating between apologizing to his friend for having to watch him vomit up his dinner and hating himself for ruining Freddie´s whole night. 

“I fucked it all up…”, he murmured, eyes swollen and red as he sat with Roger on the doorstep out in the dirty backyard of the club, next to them a load of bins, cigarette buds on the ground. “This was supposed to be Freddie´s big birthday present and now I´ve…”, he had to stop talking to keep himself from throwing up again. 

“Bri mate, come on, don´t get all down. It´s okay! Freddie doesn´t mind, of course he doesn´t. He loves you, he cares for you.”

“But I wanted to ask him to marry me and it was supposed to be all perfect…”, Brian continued to complain, while trying not to throw up. 

“Is he here? Where is he?”, they suddenly heard Freddie´s alarmed voice and within seconds, the singer had found them, crouching down in front of Brian, caringly taking his face into his soft, warm hands to look at Brian. 

“Oh Brimi…my poor darling…”, the Persian cooed. 

“Careful, he might vomit into your face.”, Roger said and Brian wanted to give him a shove with his elbow, but he was too weak and too dizzy. 

“I´m sorry, Freddie…I´m so sorry for ruining your party and behaving like a drunk idiot and…”

“No no no, sweety, you didn´t ruin anything!”, Freddie protested and stroked Brian´s cheeks with his thumbs, softly smiling at him. “It´s not your fault, lovie, you just had a bit too much to drink, nothing to worry about. It happens to all of us, it´s totally okay.”, he whispered into Brian´s ear, pressing a few kisses onto the top of his head while Brian leaned against him, sulking and feeling utterly miserable. 

“Oh Phoebe! Phoebe darling, just a sec!”, Freddie called over towards the hallway behind them. Over the pumping of the base coming from inside of the club, Brian could hear the steps of Freddie´s assistant coming over to them. 

“We´d like to go back to the hotel, dear. Would you be a sweetheart and call the driver so we can…”

“No!”, Brian protested hastily, “You don´t need to go back just because of me. I´ll be fine on my own, I´ll just go to bed and sleep it off! Really you can stay I…”, he tried to continue, but another wave of nausea hit him and ten minutes later him and Freddie were in the car and on their way back to the hotel. 

“But you can´t just leave your own birthday party this early…”, Brian murmured into the crook of the singer´s neck as they drove through Munich, one last try of protesting. 

“Of course, I can, darling. I´m Freddie fucking Mercury.”, the singer had replied with a soft chuckle. 

Brian felt horribly embarrassed as he was stumbling through the hotel lobby, no shoes on because at some point, he must have lost those killer heels, heavily leaning onto Freddie, who comforted him with tender words and guided him towards their hotel room. 

The following hours were a blur. Brian remembered Freddie helping him out of his costume, which he now felt utterly ridiculous in and then laying him down on the bed. 

“My handbag…I need it…”, Brian murmured weakly because even though he was utterly wasted by now, his brain was at least able to produce one productive thought, which was to keep Freddie from seeing what was inside of the small handbag Brian had carried with him all evening. 

“Here it is, my sweet.”, Freddie had replied with a soft chuckle and Brian had shoved it under his pillow and then let his boyfriend nurse some water into him, before he had fallen asleep on the spot. 

When he woke up again, the room was bathed into darkness and pale moonlight this time. A horrible headache had manifested behind his temples, the pain so strong that he felt sick again, his stomach turning as he tried to disentangle himself from the duvet and find his way to the bathroom. 

“Careful, love…come one, let me help you…”, Freddie had said softly, guiding him towards the bathroom, where he held Brian´s hair as the guitarist threw up again, feeling like he had been through the wringer multiple times. 

Freddie carefully helped him rinse his mouth and then tucked him back into bed. 

“I can´t believe I´ve ruined your birthday…”, Brian murmured weakly as he felt his boyfriend snuggling up to him, taking Brian into his arms to offer some comfort. 

“Oh darling, no you didn´t…”, Freddie replied and gently kissed the guitarist´s forehead. “I´m so glad to have you in my life, love. Nothing will ever change that. Not even watching you throw up beetroot burger.”, Freddie chuckled and pressed another kiss onto the crown of Brian´s head as the guitarist groaned weakly. 

As Brian opened his eyes again, pale morning light was creeping into the shadows of the room and Freddie was sleeping in his arms. He still had a terrible headache but the nausea was gone and for a few moments, he let himself enjoy the warmth of the bed and his lover´s embrace. 

Still, he felt guilty for how the previous night had gone and he was much too terrified about the reaction his behaviour had caused on social media, so he stayed off his phone and simply held Freddie in his arms, who gave a soft little hum and then snuggled closer to him. 

When his headache got too bad, Brian slipped away from the bed and then found himself a glass of water and an aspirin, before he went to the bathroom to splash some cold water into his face, contemplating if he it would be a reasonable consequence to simply let himself be swallowed up by a hole in the ground, never to return again. 

When he returned to the quiet room, he went over to the window, opened it and looked out onto the city of Munich, taking deep breaths of the fresh, cool air, slowly feeling the painkiller kick in.   
He shivered in the cool breeze and as he turned around, looking for the fluffy white hotel bathrobe, he found his boyfriend tiredly blinking at him. 

“Brimi, you´re up? How are you feeling, darling?”, Freddie asked him, his voice adorably croaky as he sat up, rubbing his eyes. 

“Morning babe…yeah, I´m okay…”, Brian replied, but the singer didn´t seem satisfied with this explanation and quickly climbed out of bed, walking over towards Brian and closing his arms around him.   
The bare skin of the singer´s torso was warm with sleep. 

“Are you sure you´re alright, darling?”

“Yeah…I´m sure, Fred…”

Brian felt the slight chill of the morning in the air, although he could still make out the heaviness, the sweetness of late summer in it. 

The flaming red of the rising sun had rapidly chased away the pale darkness of the night and soon, the streetlights would be turned off. 

The day was still young and when Brian looked over towards the man whose shoulder he was leaning against, he knew that now, right now was the right time to ask his question. 

Freddie smiled at him when he noticed Brian´s gaze on him, a bit of smudged eyeliner still on the delicate, paper-thin skin under his dark eyes, a slight stubble having former on his chin and cheeks.   
The guitarist was sure of the fact that there had never been a moment in his life when he had loved Freddie Mercury more than right now. 

“Hang on a sec…”, he murmured as he stepped away from the open window and turned towards the bed and his small black handbag hidden away under his pillow. 

“What are you doing, darling?”, Freddie asked him with a small, amused chuckle as he watched Brian rummage around in the sheets, lifting up the pillows, wedging his fingers into the space between the frame of the bed and the mattress. 

“Looking for something really important!”, the guitarist replied and send the other man a smile, seeing the excitement grow on the singer´s features as he smiled back at him. 

The tips of Freddie´s ears and the top of his head seemed to be aflame with the red and orange of the colours of the breaking dawn. 

Brian pulled away his gaze and reached under another pillow, where his fingertips hit the soft leather of the small bag and as he opened it, he found the small red box with the ring in it. 

“Ah, there we go…”, he exclaimed and then got up from the bed to hastily return to his boyfriend by the window.   
“Freddie…”, he began, not even properly there. 

“Yeah?”, the singer replied but then Brian stubbed his foot on one of the bed´s wooden legs and groaned in pain. 

“Oh shit…fuck my big toe…”, he cursed, now hobbling towards the window and Freddie, who looked quite worried. 

“Are you alright, darling? Is it bleeding?”

“No, no, I´m fine…it´s okay…”, Brian said quickly, gritting his teeth to push away the pain. 

“Are you sure, Brian?”, the Persian asked, worry lines forming on his forehead, but Brian simply inhaled a deep breath and took one of the singer´s hands in his, holding the small red box in the other. 

“Listen to me, baby. It´s important!”, he pleaded and Freddie nodded quickly, smiling at him. 

“Okay…okay, I´m listening, my lovely.”, his boyfriend replied, shivering a little in his blue and white striped boxers as he stood in front of the open window in the early morning light. 

Brian watched Freddie´s expression turn from surprise to confusion as he saw him going down onto one knee, now holding the red box with both hands. 

“W-what are you doing, Brimi?”, he asked, his voice all quiet and hoarse with what seemed like a sudden surge of unbelieving and overwhelmed jitteriness.

“Freddie Mercury, will you marry me?”, Brian asked and then opened up the red Cartier box, the diamond on the engagement ring twinkling in the morning light. 

Freddie´s hands flew up to his mouth and his eyes started growing moist as he blinked against the tears, shaking with emotion.

“Yes…”, he gasped and then Brian could see that he was smiling, “Yes, Brian…fuck…”, a sound, half sob, half laughter escaped his lips, almost like a hiccup and the singer blushed, “Sorry…”, he whispered and a tear rolled down his cheek. 

“Don´t be…come here…come here, my love. Give me your beautiful hand so I can put that ring on it…”, Brian replied and wasn´t even halfway up on his feet again before Freddie took his face in both hands and kissed him, so full of happiness and love and light. 

“Oh Brian…”, the singer sighed as he pulled the guitarist up, sharing another kiss with him before he let Brian put the ring onto his finger, both of their hands shaking heavily. 

“Do you like it?”, Brian asked shyly as Freddie looked at the ring, which, luckily, fit onto his finger like a glove. 

“My darling, it´s perfect! Oh, look at it!”, the Persian sighed and then, gazing at Brian, said, “And look at you…you´re perfect…My beautiful…my beautiful fiancé…”

Brian was quite sure of the fact that he did look a mess right now, his hair looking like a bird´s nest, traces of last night´s make up still smudged onto his lips and eyes, his breath smelling just a little bit like vomit and mouth wash, but even on mornings like these, even after nights where he had made an utter fool of himself, Freddie Mercury loved him and found him beautiful and that was one of the greatest gifts in Brian´s life. 

“Soon to be husband….”, Brian replied with a giddy smile as he took Freddie into his arms. 

“Oh, that sounds so wonderful, my darling.”, the singer replied and then kissed him again. 

“Is that what you wanted to ask me? Last night?”, Freddie asked him an hour later when they were back in bed, both a cup of tea in hand, snuggled up under the covers. 

The singer couldn´t stop looking at the ring on his finger, a constant smile pulling at his lips whenever he saw the diamond sparkle in the sunlight. 

“Yes…”, Brian said with a soft smile, “I wanted to have a bit of bubbly to work up the courage to actually do it…because I´ve been thinking about it for such a long time and I never…”, he admitted and watched Freddie´s eyebrows travel up his forehead. 

“You have?”, the Persian asked, his voice quiet with wonder. 

“Yes…Ages…Years actually…”, Brian replied in a hoarse whisper and watched a smile bloom on Freddie´s features. The singer put down his mug on the nightstand and then inched closer to Brian, snuggling up to him. 

The guitarist placed a gentle hand onto his fiancé´s cheek, stroking it tenderly. 

“Me too…”, Freddie said softly, “Been thinking about it ever since that night we first made love five years ago…”, he added, taking a hold of Brian´s hand on his cheek, placing a sweet kiss onto the guitarist´s slim wrist. 

“Oh Fred…”, Brian chuckled, touched but slightly amused by the singer´s slight over the top but very heart-felt declaration of love. Deep down, Freddie was a true romantic, idealising everything and anything about love. 

They both grinned at one another, Brian thinking back at the night they had first slept with each other, which had been a downright mess of tearfully admitting to feelings, shy, almost clumsy kisses in the back of a taxi and an even clumsier attempt at having sex back in Brian´s hotel room, which had ended with Freddie probably being very sore and Brian coming embarrassingly fast.   
Still, for the both of them, it had been perfect in it´s own way. 

“Okay, that was a lie.”, Freddie suddenly said with a giggle, “Actually, I was thinking about marrying you ever since that night at the party Roggie introduced me to you.”

“Baby, that was 17 years ago!”, Brian laughed but Freddie simply smiled at him, shrugging and seeming quite pleased with himself.

“Yeah, you walked in wearing those ridiculously unfashionable straight-legged jeans and that David Bowie t-shirt and I had fallen…instantly. You just looked liked husband-material…”

“You hate those jeans, don´t you Fred?”, Brian asked with a chuckle. 

“With a passion. That´s why you´re still wearing them sometimes, don´t you Brimi?”, the singer asked, pressing another kiss onto the guitarist´s knuckles, a teasing tone to his voice. 

“Yes…and because they remind me of the time when we met. You know, those days back at uni…when everything started…with Queen…”, Brian murmured, his gaze never leaving the other man´s eyes.

“We were so young…”, Freddie whispered, a fond expression on his face. 

“We were clueless.”, Brian replied, squeezing his fiancé´s hand. 

“Yes, we were.”, the singer said softly, rubbing his slightly stubbly cheek against Brian´s fingers like a lazy tomcat. 

Brian watched the morning sun paint the room and their bed in soft, warm light. Freddie´s eyes looked like ambers, soft lines of laughter visible around the rims of them. Brian spotted a singular grey hair on his temple, a small speck of pale silver in the sea of black. 

“I should have told you that I loved you back then…”, he whispered, all previous lightness vanished from his voice, “I should have admitted it to myself, should have been honest with myself…and with you. Could have saved you some of the hurt and heartbreak…”

Freddie smiled, but there was a sliver of pain in his eyes when he looked at guitarist. He had watched Brian marry another woman, had watched him become a father, had seen him go through so many struggles, so much pain while never being truly happy in his own relationships. 

“Not for me, darling. For yourself. All I wanted was for you to be happy.”, Freddie replied softly, his smile going slightly shaky. 

“For the both of us. We could have had this…much sooner…”, Brian whispered, pressing another kiss onto Freddie´s hand, feeling the smooth material of the ring against his lips. 

The singer sighed softly, but then he looked up at Brian and all darkness, all pain and all heartbreak seemed to be forgotten. 

“You know, my darling, I like to think that everything that has happened has led us right to this point…that everything is how it was always supposed to be.”, he whispered, his eyes shimmering with fondness and love. 

And for everything the Persian had gone through, for everything they had had to endure to be together, there didn´t seem to be a single smidge of regret or bitterness left in the other man.   
It was one of Freddie´s great strengths, Brian thought. Freddie loved and he loved deeply, whole-heartedly, profoundly. 

“Yes…”, Brian replied with a soft, knowing smile, “Yes, you´re right, Freddie. We´re both right where we belong.”


	3. I Want Something Just Like This

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks,  
> here I am with another story! This time, I really went all in with the wholesome family-feels and I really hope you´ll like it. Brian and Freddie raising children and building their own little family as happy husbands is one of my favourite headcanons and this story practically wrote itself!  
> Tell me what you thought of it (comments make me so so happy) and also, if you´d like a part two, I´ve already got some ideas!  
> I hope you´re all well! Enjoy!

“Baaaaabaaaa!”

The moment Brian had heard it, he sat up straight in bed, his eyes wide open, his heartrate spiking up as his pulse hammered in his ears. 

“Hmpf…”, Freddie groaned next to him. His arms, which have been slung around Brian loosely while they had slept, were now limply laying at his sides. His husband blinked at Brian, a frown on his face as he turned onto his back, running a hand over his tired eyes, probably trying to cope with the slight discomfort of being woken up at such an early hour of the morning. On a Sunday. 

“Did you hear that?”, Brian whispered into the quiet of the morning of their house, trying to make out another sound from the room their two daughters shared, which was located right at the other end of the hallway. 

“I had a dream that Azi was calling me…”, Freddie murmured and the yawned heartily, looking up at Brian from small, slightly bloodshot eyes. As Brian turned back toward his husband, he couldn´t help but notice how utterly adorable the singer looked when this sleepy, all bedhead and dark stubble on his chin and cheeks.

If he weren´t so worried about the reason for one of their daughters calling for them, he would have sunk back into the other man´s arms to doze off again, enjoying the feeling of his sleep-warm skin, burying his face in the crook of the Persian´s neck to breathe in his scent, soap and musk and the expensive lotion that Freddie used every night before bed. 

“I heard it too, Baby.”, Brian replied, still not being able to shake the worry that had previously woken him up. 

“Oh dear…”, Freddie murmured, his speech still slightly slurred with tiredness, his voice sounding groggy, „What time is it?”

Brian reached over toward his phone laying on the bedside table, blinking at the screen, slightly blinded by the sudden brightness in the otherwise half-dark bedroom. 

“Barely past five.”, he said quietly and Freddie groaned, snuggling his warm body back against Brian, his arm now slung around the guitarist´s slim thigh. 

“Baaaaaaaabaaaaaa!”, they heard one of the girls calling once again and Brian almost felt panicked as he pushed away the duvet to get up. 

“Maybe Esfi is not feeling well. I should have a look, she might need something…”, he murmured, but Freddie made him stop in his tracks as he gently squeezed his husband´s knee, slowly sitting up and stretching, a knowing smile on his tired features. 

“No no, darling, that´s Azar.”, he explained and then got out of bed to pull a pair of joggers over the boxers he had slept in, clumsily stumbling around their cosy bedroom to hunt for a t-shirt to put on, his naked feet making soft noises on the wooden floorboards. 

“How do you know?”, Brian asked with a chuckle, his eyebrow raised at his husband. 

Freddie´s head resurfaced from the neckline of the slightly worn, old t-shirt he had found thrown over the armchair by the window, his bedhead now even worse. 

“Just the way she´s calling my name like she´s demanding for her personal butler to come and aid her with her daily morning chores.”, he explained with a grin and then added, “Besides…Esfir would be calling for her Daddy, not boring old Baba. You´re her favourite.”

“That´s not true.”, Brian said, crossing his arms in front of his bare torso. Still, he knew that his husband was right. 

“It is, darling.”, Freddie replied with a wink, giving Brian´s knee another adoring squeeze while walking over to the door of their bedroom. 

“Baba!”, they heard their daughter Azar again, a little sharper this time. 

Brian could picture her perfectly, her small fists clenched, her little nose slightly scrunched up, an expression she had learned from her Baba himself, as she sat in her bed, sulking, her dark eyes glistening with the force of childish anger. 

“Oh, someone´s in a mood.”, the singer murmured with raised brows, “I´ll see what she´s up to.”

“Should I come with you?”, Brian asked, already swinging his legs out of bed, shivering slightly when his naked feet hit the floorboards. 

“No no no, darling, absolutely not! This is a Baba-sort-of-situation!”, Freddie protested, resting his warm, soft palms on Brian´s naked shoulders and pushing his husband back into a horizontal position.  
“You stay nice and cosy, all tucked into bed and get some more sleep, love. You absolutely do need it after such a long night of work.”

Freddie pressed a quick kiss onto his forehead and then pulled the duvet up to Brian´s chin, tucking him in like the mother-hen he sometimes was. 

“I was only up until 1, Fred. Wasn´t that late.”, Brian murmured, but his husband quickly shook his head. 

“It was almost 2, darling. Besides, writing a dissertation is incredibly draining, so you, my handsome genius soon-to-be-a-doctor-husband, deserve some more rest.”

“You just shout if you need me, right?”, Brian asked, an urgent expression on his features as he watched the singer open the door to their bedroom. 

“Course I will, dear. Now…close your eyes. See you later.”

Freddie blew him a kiss, which Brian pretended to catch with his hand and then for a second, they smiled at one another, still so utterly, so incredibly and deeply in love after being with one another for more than ten years. 

Then, Freddie slipped away into the hallway, closing the door behind him. 

Brian sighed softly as he listened to the sounds of his husband´s footsteps and then, shortly after, the distant grumbling of the conversation he had with one of their daughters. From the sound of it, there seemed to be no major emergency, so Brian allowed himself to let his eyelids slip closed again. 

It was still dark outside on this January morning, the floorboards of their Kensington townhouse creaking in the cold of the early hours, the highest branches of the cherry tree outside their bedroom window softly taping against the glass and the shutters. Brian rolled over to press his face into his husband´s pillow, inhaling his scent, the faint ghost of warmth still clinging to the soft cotton material.

A small smile started to tug on Brian´s lips as he slipped back into a light slumber, a profound feeling of gratefulness and happiness slowly spreading through his heavy limbs as he thought about how incredibly lucky he was to share this life with his husband as well as their two children. 

When Freddie entered the bedroom of his five-year-old daughters Azar and Esfir, a relieved smile started to appear on his features. 

Esfir, who had fought a horrible stomach bug for the past three days, was still sleeping soundly in her bed by the window, a peaceful expression of slumber on her small face, her cheeks rosy, her brows two small, perfect lines above the long, dark lashes of her closed eyes. 

Her twin sister Azar was awake already, clutching her favourite soft toy, an adorable penguin Brian and Freddie had bought for her at the London Zoo, in her small hands as she looked up at her Baba, appearing to be sulking, her lower lip trembling. 

“Hello my darling, good morning.”, Freddie greeted her in a hushed voice as to not wake his other daughter. 

“Baba…”, the girl whimpered, sniffling quietly as she stretched out her little arms towards her adoptive father, demanding a cuddle. The gesture melted Freddie´s heart within an instant and he quickly walked over to her bed, trying to avoid stepping onto the Lego´s lying around on the carpet, narrowly preventing a serious foot injury and then crouching down in front of her bed. 

“Ohh, sweetheart, what´s up? It´s so early, you should still be sleeping, hmm”, he whispered, pulling his daughter into his arms. She clung to him like a little monkey, hiding her face in his shoulder, her long black curls an adorable mess. 

At five years old, she was already a little too big to fit onto her father´s arms like she had when she had been but a baby, but Freddie didn´t mind, rubbing her back and holding her securely. 

“I had a bad dream.”, Azar sniffled, wiping her runny nose on the sleeve of her father´s t-shirt. 

“Oh, my poor baby, did you?”, the singer tutted and kissed the crown of her head, “It´s alright, Baba´s here now. It´s okay.”

He softly brushed his adoptive daughter´s curls behind her ear as he gently rocked her back and forth while still holding her in his arms, a tactic that had never failed to soothe her, even when she had been a little younger and had suffered from terrible night terrors that had kept Brian and him awake for weeks. 

It had broken their heart to see their child, screaming and crying in her sleep, trashing against them when they had tried to calm her down, crying so hard that she could barely breathe sometimes, only slowly, very slowly finding her way back to reality when her Baba held her in his arms, hummed into her ear so softly, so quiet, an old Persian lullaby, rocking her like a baby.

Azar usually was the braver, the louder and cheekier one of the twin sisters Brian and Freddie had adopted from an orphanage in Teheran when they had barely been seven months old. Still, sometimes Freddie thought that the girls could remember, could still see the images of their country at war, their home being destroyed, their relatives getting wounded and dying in the bombing attacks.

Even the thought of it made Freddie´s throat grow tight. He knew what it was like to lose home, to feel so unrooted, so lost in a strange, foreign place. 

“Are you alright, my darling?”, he softly asked the little girl, pressing a kiss onto her cheek, which made Azar giggle softly, probably because his moustache was a little prickly.

“Hmhm…”, she replied as she looked up at her father, her little hands resting on his chest. 

Her eyes had the same almond shape as his, the same colour of deep, dark-brown, her lashes thick and black. Most people assumed that both her and her sister Esfir were his biological children due to them sharing the same cultural heritage and ethnicity. Others believed the sisters to be his husband Brian´s kids, which was quite plausible, since both sisters spotted a massive head of dark fluffy curls that looked quite similar to those of their Daddy. 

Gently, Freddie stroked her cheek with his thumb, wiping away a stray tear she had shed previously. 

“Esfi´s still sleeping, Baba.”, Azar whispered, looking over toward her sister, still slumbering soundly. 

“She is. Good thing she´s such a tight sleeper, hmm? You caused quite the ruckus.”, Freddie replied and sat down onto his daughter´s bed with a soft groan as she snuggled up onto his lap. 

“Sorry Baba…”, the little girl murmured, almost seeming a little bashful as she hid her face in the loose material of her father´s t-shirt.

“It´s okay, darling. I know how terrible nightmares can be.”, Freddie said softly, once again stroking her cheek. 

“It was scary…”, she murmured, leaning into the palm of his hand. 

“Would you like to tell me, what it was about, Azizam (my darling) ?”,Freddie asked gently, quietly and the little girl snuggled up closer to him. 

When he had come to his ex-fiancé Mary, who he was still close friends with, three years ago, telling her about his daughter´s night-terrors over a cup of tea, out of his mind with worry and at the end of his wits, she had advised him to talk about those nightmares with the little girl, to listen closely and to make her understand that it had been but a dream, that she was safe and that nothing could hurt her. 

Usually, Azar told him about dreams of big snakes, spiders or monsters in the wardrobe but still, Freddie couldn´t help but fear the day when the little girl might remember her past, those dark, lonely days at the orphanage and the loss of her parents, even if the singer knew that she had been much too young then to remember any of it now. 

“I lost Perry the penguin on the Tube. Me and Esfi were looking for him and then we lost you and Daddy and we were all alone…”, Azar whispered, her lower lip trembling once again, “And then the train started running again and I got scared and I tried to get out of it but…I couldn´t.”, she hid her face in his chest again and Freddie started rocking her again, holding her tightly. 

“Shhh…shhh, it´s okay, my darling. Daddy and I are always going to be there, we´d never lose you. You´re safe, sweetheart…It was just a dream…just a dream. You´re safe…”, he whispered, stroking her head and back as she clung to him. 

“Daddy and I love you and your sister very much, my darling. We´ll always protect you, do you understand?”

The little girl raised her head and looked up at him, nodding. 

“Besides…Daddy´s always so strict when we travel on the Tube and makes us all hold hands. There´s no chance you two would get lost, hmm Azizam?”, Freddie whispered with a smile. 

“Not even Perry the penguin?”, Azar asked, grabbing the soft toy and holding it quite close to her father´s face, who chuckled softly. 

“Especially not our pal Perry. And of course, we mustn´t forget about Esfi´s friend, Gina the giraffe.”, the singer added and watched a serious expression manifest on the little girl´s features. 

“Of course, we mustn´t forget about her, Baba!”, she said and then made her father give her soft toy a kiss good morning. 

“Is Daddy awake yet?”, she asked, already climbing off his lap, back to her old, cheeky self as she probably had decided that it was time to get up for the whole family. 

“No sweety, he´s still sleeping.”, Freddie explained, “We´ll let him sleep a little longer, yeah darling? He´s been up late last night, working on his dissertation.”

“Oh okay…”, the little girl nodded, already eyeing up the stack of books that lay next to her bed. 

“Can you read me a story, Baba?”, she asked, making puppy dog eyes at her father and, of course, Freddie agreed, watching his daughter pick out her current favourite book, a children´s version of Alice in Wonderland, which Brian usually used to teach both of the girls how to read and which they liked much more when their Baba read it for them, because he did all the character´s funny voices and only made them read when they felt like it. 

Azar snuggled back into his arms as he got into a comfortable sitting position on her bed and started to read to her.

“Baba?”

Freddie looked up from the pages of the book as he heard the voice of his other daughter. Esfir tiredly blinked at her father, rubbing her eyes with her small hands. 

“Good morning Esfir, my darling, how are you feeling today?”, Freddie asked as he smiled at the little girl in the bed opposite from them. 

“Good…My tummy isn't hurting anymore.”, Esfir said and sat up in bed, a small, groggy smile spreading on her lips as she placed her hands onto her stomach as if to check if there really was no pain. 

“That´s lovely, my darling, Baba´s so happy to hear that.”, Freddie replied, relieved to hear that she was feeling better. Brian and him had been awfully worried about her and while he once again had had Mary to call and ask for advice, with his ex-fiancé being a mother of two herself, Brian had been so worried that he had barely been able to sleep and eat. 

The guitarist always got so awfully worked up when one of the children fell ill, the worst incident yet having occurred two years ago, when both children had been sick with the measles. They hadn´t been able to go to the studio for four weeks, because after Brian had exhausted himself with caring for the girls, spending nights on end by their beds, reading to them, making them soup and comforting them, he had worried himself sick, falling ill with a stomach ulcer that had kept him in bed for two whole weeks and had caused him to lose so much weight that Freddie had been very concerned. 

The singer had begged his mother to teach him how to cook all kinds of vegetarian curries, which he had then made for Brian to nurture him back to health. 

It was moments like these that Freddie realised how fragile their little piece of paradise was, how easy it would be to lose it all, if he didn´t protect them enough. He had blamed himself after first his children and then his husband had been so sick and it had taken Brian weeks to get Freddie to understand that it wasn´t his fault. 

“I´m cold, Baba.”, Esfir whispered, shivering slightly in her stripe yellow pyjamas, the same that her sister wore in a forest green. 

“Come here, my sweet flower. We can all snuggle up under the blanket, hmm?”, Freddie suggested and the little girl nodded, climbing out of her bed and into that of her sister, huddling under the blanket. The two girls fitted comfortably into Freddie´s lap, both of them leaning their heads of black curls against one of his shoulders. 

“There we go. Is that nice?”, Freddie asked, pressing a kiss on each girl´s forehead. 

“Very nice, Baba.”, Esfir sighed, snuggling closer. 

“Read Baba.”, Azar begged and then, after a moment of consideration, added, “Please.”

“Alright, where were we…Ah here…Alice looked up at the sky and noticed that all the clouds had vanished, the sun a large, fiery ball of light, blinding her eyes when she saw a large, white rabbit running towards her across the meadow…”

“Good morning, everyone!”, Brian said, as he entered his children´s bedroom at around 7 am. 

He was feeling well-rested and very refreshed after his little lay-in and shower. Afterwards, he had gone downstairs to set the breakfast table for his family, softly humming to himself while he prepared the girl´s porridge and cut up some fresh fruit. 

As his gaze fell onto his husband, huddle up with the children in one of their beds, reading a story to them, he felt warmth blossoming in his chest, a smile spreading on his lips. 

The sight of Freddie, interacting with their daughters with such love and care, would never fail to touch him and with a slight clench of his heart, he remembered those times some four years ago, when the girls had still been so small, but a year old by then. 

He still remembered their first words, babbled while playing down on the living room carpet or on the lush green grass in the garden, Baba and bunny and flower and Daddy and Queen, of all words. He remembered their first steps, hours of holding them by their little hands and walking up and down the hallway or the kitchen or the living room with them. The memory of both girls walking towards him for the first time, a few months after their first birthdays, stumbling into his arms in a fit of happy baby giggles, almost brought tears to his eyes. 

“Aww, look at the three of you.”, he said softly as Freddie shot him a smile. 

How gorgeous his husband was like this, Brian thought to himself. Holding their daughters in his arms, so caring, so loving, such a wonderful father to them. 

“Good morning, Daddy!”, Esfir piped up, giving him a big smile. The guitarist was utterly relieved to see his daughter in much higher spirits today. 

“Morning Daddy! Sorry for waking you up earlier. I know you were up all night because of your diss…dissti…dissertoration…”, Azar said, struggling to pronounce the word.  
Brian felt guilty for the fact that his daughter even thought about her father´s academic work in such a way, fearing that he had mentioned it around her much too often, causing the whole family to be pulled into his little side project of finishing his Ph.D. 

He didn´t want for the girls to worry about their father overworking himself. 

“That´s alright, sweetheart. You were nice and quiet so I could have a lovely lay in. Now I´m quite well rested.”, Brian walked over to the bed and sat down at the foot of it. 

“And how´s my darling Esfir, hmm?”, he asked, his gaze now intently set on his little patient.

“I think she´s still a little groggy…”, Freddie said quietly, gently stroking his daughter´s cheek as she had snuggled up against his shoulder. The little girl did still seem a little less bubbly than usual, not yet back to her old self after the stomach bug she surely had contracted at Primary school. 

“I´m much better, Daddy. My tummy doesn´t hurt anymore and I don´t feel nauseous.”, Esfir replied, giving her father a smile, but still seeming a little tired. She crawled out from under the duvet and settled on Brian´s lap. 

The guitarist pressed a kiss onto the crown of her head, holding her tightly as her small fingers started playing around with the ends of Brian´s curls, like she had done since she was a baby.  
“Baba, what does nauseous mean?”, Azar asked, curiously looking up at the singer. 

“It means feeling like vomiting!”, Esfir piped up, a proud expression on her face. “Throwing up all the time! Like I did yesterday and the day before that, remember?”

Azar´s little face scrunched up in disgust. Unfortunately, her sister had managed to vomit over the dolly Azar had lend her during the time of her sickness and the little girl had screamed for an hour straight when she had found out, standing by the sink where Freddie had hectically tried to comfort his crying daughter while washing the vomit out of the dolly´s hair. 

In moments like these, Brian was incredibly thankful for his husband´s patience with the girls. Freddie had managed to calm Azar down so wonderfully and had cleaned up the mess in the meantime, while Brian himself had struggled to soothe the sick Esfir and hold his own worries at bay. 

“Ewww, don´t talk about vomit! That´s gross!”, she complained, clutching Perry the penguin closer to her chest. 

“No it´s not! It´s a very natural bodily reaction to a virus. Just like diarrhea. It´s how the body cleans out all the bad stuff.”, Esfir explained matter-of-factly. 

“That´s true, Eshgam (my love)! You´re such a clever girl!”, Freddie praised her. 

“Daddy told me that.”, Esfir said and smiled at her father with big brown eyes full of admiration and utter adoration. 

“Did I, sweetheart? I can´t remember when.”, Brian admitted with a small frown and a slightly helpless smile, but his daughter was quick to aid his memory. 

“Just two days ago when I was sick at night and you sat by my bed and read me a story.”, she explained, smiling even wider. 

“I didn´t know you were awake then, Esfi. I thought you were sleeping.”, Brian said softly and tenderly stroked her cheek with his pointer finger, the memory of his little angel sick in bed once again making his heart ache. How brave she had been, taking her medicine without a fuss, following Brian´s instructions and drinking the tea her Baba had made for her to soothe her tummy. 

“I could still hear you, Daddy. It was like you were talking to me in my dreams.”, Esfir said. 

“Baba, what´s diarrhea?”, Azar asked curiously. 

“That´s when you can´t stop pooping!”, Esfir once again piped up, happy to explain the matter to her sister, “You just sit on the toilet and the poop keeps coming and coming, but it´s not like regular poop! It´s like water! And then you also have to vomit! It was horrible!”

“Gross…”, Azar murmured, once again pulling a face. 

“It was gross! Really gross!”, Esfir said cheerfully. “But I´m much better now!”

“Okay, enough talk about gross things, alright girls? Why don´t we go downstairs and have breakfast, yeah?”, Brian suggested and the girls nodded enthusiastically, getting out of bed and letting Freddie help them into their little fluffy bathrobes and slippers, to keep them warm. 

“Daddy, come carry us!”, Azar begged, making big brown puppy dog eyes at Brian that reminded the guitarist of the look his husband gave him when it was late at night and he had fallen asleep in front of the TV, begging Brian to carry him up the stairs because he was simply too exhausted to walk. 

“Yeah! Please Daddy, please please!”, Esfir joined her sister and like with his husband, Brian couldn´t say no. 

He picked them up, one girl at a time and they climbed onto his back, holding onto him like little monkeys, as he made his way out of the room, down the hallway and toward the staircase, Freddie close behind them to make sure that he could catch the girls, should they fall. 

“God, you´re getting heavier by the day, sweethearts.”, Brian groaned. “I´m not made for this anymore. Maybe you should ask your Baba if he could carry you, he´s picked up all of those new fitness routines, he would surely be able to…”

Brian was alluding to his husbands New Year´s Resolution to exercise more, which had resulted in Freddie discovering his love for 80s jazzercize routines on YouTube, doing several of them a day in an attempt tone up a little before the tour. 

“It feels much higher up when you´re carrying us, Daddy!”, Esfir laughed. 

“Yeah! That´s because you´re so much taller than Baba! He´s much smaller than you, Daddy!”, Azar agreed and Brian heard his husband scoff in mock-offence. 

“You know, I can hear you, Azar Bulsara-May!”, the singer remarked and pretended to be sulking until they had reached the kitchen, where the girls started tickling him until he couldn´t hold up his pretence anymore. 

Breakfast was a cosy affair, the girls eating their oatmeal and chatting to one another, giggling and playing around with their food, until Azar flung a spoonful of porridge at her sister and Brian had to put a stop to it, which caused the little girl to sulk until her Baba cheered both of them up again by cutting little faces into their pieces of apple and pear. 

The girls then went to play for a bit in the living room and for about twenty minutes or so, Brian and Freddie had some time to themselves, enjoying their morning cup of tea with some toast and honey for Freddie and some vegan oatmeal with fruit for Brian. 

They sat shoulder to shoulder on the long bench at their kitchen table, eating and chatting, Freddie feeding him grapes every now and then, looking out of the window into their wintery garden. It was a comfortable kind of quiet that had settled over the kitchen, the both of them still slightly sleepy.

When Brian noticed how cold his husbands naked feet were getting on the kitchen tiles, he sends him upstairs to have a shower and get dressed so he could then clean up the kitchen while he heard the shower running. 

Freddie then started dealing with this week´s laundry, while Brian took it upon himself to get the girls ready for the day. Their teamwork when it came to caring for their children and doing the housework chores had gotten much better over the years. 

Brian almost shuddered when he thought back to those early days of their relationship more than ten years ago, when both of them had been but clueless uni students renting their first flat, not having a clue on how to get a washing machine to work, boil an egg or mop a floor. Over the years, they had learned to take proper care of their home, had grown up into adults and were now parenting the most amazing little girls in the world. Brian could not have been happier with how his life has turned out. 

Deep down, when he had been an anxious teenager, struggling with his attraction for both men and women, he had never thought that he would one day be able to have a husband, a real family. He had always wanted something just like this. 

After he had gotten the girls washed and dressed, it was Freddie´s turn to deal with their hair. Although they had both learned over the years which kinds of products worked best with their daughters´ thick, curly hair, it was Freddie who, about three years ago, had taught himself how to braid hair into beautiful dutch braids and plats via YouTube videos. 

Brian watched his husband, sitting on the edge of the bathtub while Esfir stood with her back turned toward him, patiently waiting for her father to be done with the thick, neatly braided double plats Freddie was putting her hair into. 

Azar had wanted a simple high ponytail today, her long curls cascading down onto her back while she played a little game of running around Brian´s legs, who was leaning against the doorframe, his mug of tea in hand, taking the occasional sip. 

He knew that he should be using the time free of rehearsals or recording at the studio to work on his dissertation, but he enjoyed the cosy and domestic image of his husband and daughters way too much to get back to his little office room upstairs just yet. 

“Can you imagine that Baba used to have long hair? Like Daddy!”, Azar said, her dark eyes now curiously fixed onto her father´s focused expression.

Brian had to smirk when he thought back to those times, times when Freddie´s now short hair had fallen down to his shoulders and when he had struggled to keep his natural curls and waves straight, flat ironing his fringe religious every morning before dashing off to his fashion and design course at Uni. God, they had been so young and so in love, crammed into the small bed at Brian´s flat share, trying to save money whenever they could to find a place of their own. 

“How do you know?”, Esfir asked curiously. 

“Saw their wedding pictures at Auntie Kash´s.”, Azar explained with a smug little smile and Brian couldn´t help but smirk himself, exchanging a knowing glance with his husband. 

While Freddie´s parents had had a bit of a hard time acceptance their son´s relationship with a man, mostly due to their Zoroastrian faith and more conservative way of life, Freddie´s younger sister Kashmira had been on their side from the start. She had been the one who had always put in the diplomatic work when conflict had arisen in the Bulsara household and in the end, she had even convinced Freddie´s parents to come to the wedding ceremony. 

They had come a long way and by now, especially since Freddie and him had adopted the girls, the Bulsaras had thrown many of their old prejudices and dogmas over board, supporting them in their choices and not getting enough of spending time with their grand-daughters. 

“Can you show me next time we go?”, Esfir asked, her eyes twinkling with curious mischief. 

“Yeah, sure. It looked really funny, Esfi! Baba looked like Auntie Kash!”, Azar giggled. 

Freddie made a loud huffing sound but Brian had to suppress a chuckle himself because his daughter´s observation wasn´t so far off. 

“No, I didn´t!”, the singer complained, looking up at Brian for support, which caused the guitarist to laugh even harder, quickly pressing his hand in front of his mouth to hide his laughter and to compose himself. 

“Well…maybe a little bit…”, he managed to murmur with a soft smile, but Freddie wouldn´t have it, looking at him in slightly exaggerated shock, which caused Brian to shrug helplessly.

“Your sister is a very attractive woman, Fred, you should be flattered.”, he chuckled and Freddie rolled his eyes at him, although Brian could see a smirk tugging at his lips. 

“Are you laughing at your poor old Baba?”, Freddie asked his daughters in mock-offence. 

“No!”, Esfir quickly said, turning around to now face her father and loop her arms around his neck, giving him a cuddle. She quickly was followed by her sister. 

“You´re not old, Baba! You´re only 38!”, Azar tried to flatter him, but it completely backfired. 

“Wow, that´s old!”, her sister gasped, her brown eyes widening in shock. 

This time, Brian couldn´t contain his laughter as he watched Freddie sigh and shake his head. 

“Oh, thank you, Esfi. Baba´s feeling really good about himself now.”, the singer muttered. 

“No Baba, don´t be sad! 38 is not old.”, Azar once again tried to comfort her father, but Esfir shook her head, placing a hand on her sister´s shoulder as she started to explain. 

“But Azar, we´re only five! Do you know how many years are between five and 38?”, the little girls asked but her sister shook her head. 

“No…”, she murmured. 

“Thirty-three!”, Esfir said loudly and then, when her sister still looked at her with large eyes, she added, “That´s a big number!”

Brian knew that his husband was probably suffering just the slightest bit, but he still couldn´t help but praise his daughter for her newfound interest in numbers and small calculations, reminding Brian so much of himself, when he had been a young boy. 

“Well done, sweetheart. You´re getting so good at subtractions! Daddy´s really proud of you.”, he said and watched his daughter beam under the praise. 

“Thank you, Daddy.”, she replied and gave him a sweet smile, her eyes shining proudly. 

“Baba, you are old!”, Azar giggled, her small fingers once again playing with the ends of her father´s moustache, a sweet little gesture of endearment.

Freddie sighed and pressed a quick kiss onto her little fingers, which caused her to laugh. 

“Alright, can´t argue with that I reckon. Baba´s old.”, he sighed with a defeated smile and Brian felt like now was the time to come to his husband´s aid. 

He crouched down in front of his children to be on their eyelevel, put down his mug of tea on the edge of the bathtub and asked, “But my darlings, do you know how old Daddy is?”

The twin-sisters looked at him with big brown eyes and then shook their heads.

“Thirty-seven. Thirty-seven years old.”, Brian said slowly and, on his daughters´ little faces he could see recognition, both of them probably remembering all those times Brian had counted things with them during long car rides or when playing out in the garden. 

“Wow! You´re old as well, Daddy.”, Azar said with a giggle, walking over to Brian and sitting down on his thigh, which almost caused him to topple backwards, as he was still crouching down. 

“Very old! Ancient!”, Brian agreed, smiling at Freddie, who grinned back at him. 

Still, they could not fool little Esfir. 

“But Daddy, 37 isn´t as old as 38? So Baba´s still older than you!”, she proclaimed. 

“Well done, sweetie, you´re a real math wizard, aren´t you?”, Brian praised her once again, but her sister Azar seemed to grow tired of all of those numbers and subtractions, curious eyeing up her father´s head of curls.

It already dawned on Brian what she was going to ask. 

“When can we braid Daddy´s hair again?”, the little girl smiled up at him like it was the best idea she had ever had, probably remembering the days around Christmas, when they had all cuddled up on the sofa in front of the TV to watch Christmas movies and Brian, after months and months of pleading from the girls, had agreed to let them braid his hair. 

It had been a blast for both his daughters and his husband, who had joyously joined in the fun. 

“Yeah, when can we do that again, Brimi?”, Freddie asked with a sly twinkle in his eyes, his tone of voice slightly teasing. 

“Brimi please!”, Azar echoed, her small fingers already playing with a strand of Brian´s hair. 

“Please Brimi!”, Esfir repeated, but her words ended in a giggling squeal as Freddie started to tickle her. 

“Oi you, cheeky monkey, only Baba´s allowed to call Daddy that!”, he said, blowing raspberries onto her neck and tickling her until she screeched and giggled, twisting out of his arms. 

“Can we do it on his birthday? So he´ll look really pretty for his birthday party!”, Azar asked, snuggling up against Brian´s shoulder and giving him big brown puppy dog eyes, knowing full well the effect they had on him. 

“What a fabulous idea, my little darlings, I bet Daddy will really appreciate that!”, Freddie said and then got up from the edge of the bathtub and took both of his daughters by the hand, “Now, why don´t we go up to your room and see if we can clean away those Legos from last night and then find something new to play with so Daddy can get a bit more work done, hmm?”, he suggested and the girls seemed to find her father´s idea quite agreeable, already dashing out of the bathroom and into the hallway, trying to pull Freddie with them. 

“Thanks…”, Brian mouthed at him. 

“No worries.”, Freddie replied quietly, pressing a quick kiss onto Brian´s lips, “Love you, darling.”

“Love you too, babes.”, Brian replied, placing another kiss onto the corner of his husband´s mouth, feeling the prickle of his moustache, and then gently rubbing the tip of his nose against Freddie´s, who chuckled softly. 

“Hihi… Babes.”, Azar giggled from the hallway and Freddie managed to pull himself away from Brian with a soft sigh and a defeated grin, slipping away into the hallway. 

“Oi! Shush now, cheeky!”

Brian could hear them squeal and giggle as Freddie picked both of them up with a loud groan and carried them along the hallway and up the stairs. 

“I don´t want to put away the Legos, Baba. Can you do it?”, Brian heard Azar plead. 

“Well, I can help.”, Freddie said, always the one who gave into his daughter´s wishes and pleas way to easily, his heart much too big, much too soft to be strict with them. 

“Don´t spoil them, Fred. They can do that by themselves.”, Brian called out into the hallway and saw his husband and daughters halfway up the stairs, both hanging on his front and back,tightly holding onto him.

“You´ve heard Daddy. Now, up we go!”, Freddie said with a chuckle and then made his way up the stairs towards the girl´s room. 

After two hours of work in his office, Brian felt a slightly headache creeping up on him, his eyes burning from staring at the screen for much too long. He had hit a tough patch in his research and was struggling to understand the specifics of the paper her had started to read on the previous night, so he decided to get back to it later on that day, maybe tomorrow even. 

He went into the kitchen, got the kettle going and ten minutes later, he made his way up the stairs with a tray in his hands, a fresh pot of tea and four mugs, to regular and two slightly smaller ones in yellow and green with the girl´s names on them, placed on it. 

As he entered the girl´s room, they were so immersed in their play that they hardly noticed him, busy with building a pillow fort for their favourite dollies on Esfir´s bed. Freddie was currently helping them with holding all the dollies, but as he notices his husband coming in, struggling to open the door with his foot while holding the tray, he carefully set them down on a cushion and opened the door for him. 

“Would anyone like some tea? Daddy´s made some for us?”, he asked. 

“No, thank you.”, both sisters said at the same time, currently hidden somewhere inside their fort and so Brian and Freddie sat down on the other bed, pouring themselves a mug.

“How´s it going, darling? Are you making good progress?”, Freddie asked him, his back leaning against the wall, motioning for Brian to stretch out his leg and rest his feet on the singer´s lap, which he did. 

The guitarist gave a little sigh, his smile turning slightly apologetic. 

“Well…I´m afraid it´s not really going as smoothly as I´d like it to go. I get so caught in the small details and after hours of research, I notice that I haven´t really made progress on the important parts…the big question of the paper so to say…”

Freddie gave him a sympathetic smile, his hand gently squeezing Brian´s ankle, massaging the sole of his foot. His husbands touch, however small and fleeting, was grounding to Brian, who quickly started to relax into it. 

“Oh Brimi, don´t be too hard on yourself.”, Freddie said softly, squeezing Brian´s calve, “I really don´t know anything about astro-physics but I´m quite sure of the fact that you´re someone who doesn´t give up easily, someone who always keeps going and knows how to solve even the trickiest problems. It might seem far off now, but you´ll get to finishing your dissertation eventually, no matter how hard it´ll be.” 

A soft expression of adoration was showing on his face as he looked at Brian. “I´m so proud of you, my darling. I´m so very proud of you, how hard you work for your dreams. You´re brilliant, Brimi. You´re so determined and so persistent.”

Brian could feel his initial worries fading a little as he heard his husband´s sweet and encouraging words. 

“Daddy, can I tell you about my biggest birthday wish?”, Esfir suddenly had appeared next to them and was now wedging into the remaining space left on the small bed to sit next to her father. 

“Course you can, sweetheart.”, Brian replied, already exchanging a knowing glance with Freddie, who couldn´t help but chuckle. The girls´ birthdays weren´t until late April, but Esfir and Azar eagerly told their fathers about their birthday wished all year round, forgetting about their old wishes in the meantime. 

“We really want a kitty cat.”, Azar piped up from the blanket fort, crawling out of it and sitting down on Freddie´s lap so Brian had to move away his feet. 

This was how the girls liked it best, cuddled up with the two of them. It was how they felt safest and Freddie and him loved those moments just as much. 

“Two actually. Two kitty cats, one for each of us.”, Esfir added, giving her Daddy one of her irresistibly sweet smiles. 

“Azar, sweetie, we´ve talked about this before. It´s too much work. A kitty cat needs to be cared for. It needs food and it needs its litter box cleaned and it needs someone to play with it. Maybe when you two are a little older, we can think about it.”, Brian started to explain but apparently, his daughter had come prepared for battle. 

“Baba can help us care for them. He loves kitty cats, don´t you Baba?”, she asked, smiling brightly at Freddie, who put up an expression of innocent unawareness, raising his hands slightly.  
“And you used to have kitty cats! Before you had us!”, Azar added. 

“Yeah! Baba told us about them! Tom and Jerry! But then they were run over by a car and they died out on the street late at night and you found them in the morning when they were already dead.”, Esfir explained in a way that was so matter-of-factly and so typical for her, that both Brian and Freddie gave each other a slightly bashful smile. 

“Esfi, stop! You´re making Baba sad!”, Azar said quickly, placing her small hands onto her father´s cheeks, stroking them in child-like care. 

“It´s alright, darling. It is what happened after all.”, the singer said, smiling softly at her, giving her a little cuddle to assure her that he had, in fact, gotten over the death of his favourite pets by now. 

“Please Daddy…pleeeeeease…”, Esfir continued to plead, inching up on him, laying her head onto his shoulder and looking up at him through long, dark lashes. 

“I´ll think about it, alright?”, Brian sighed, which caused the girls to squeal with joy. 

“Yayyyy! Thank you, Daddy, thank you!”, Esfir cheered, pressing clumsy little kisses onto her father´s cheeks, who couldn´t help but chuckle, sharing another poignant gaze with his husband. 

“Sweetheart, I said I´m thinking about it. I didn´t say yes, alright? Daddy´s got to weigh out the pros and cons of it.”, he explained, but the girls now seemed to be in high spirits as they climbed off the bed, ready to do a little victory dance, jumping up and down and holding hands.

“Baba said yes though.”, Azar cheered. 

“Oh, did he?”, Brian asked, raising his brows at the singer who ducked his head and pulled his upper lip over his front teeth, smiling shyly, the picture of innocence. 

“Did I? I can´t really remember, I must have been very tired and…”, he murmured, but his daughters were not going to let it slide. 

“Yes, you did! You told us to ask Daddy when he´s in a good mood, because then he´s more likely to…”, Esfir explained, but she was quickly interrupted by Freddie, who announced: “Okay, why don´t we get started on lunch, alright?”

Brian and him made their way down to the kitchen, carrying the tray with them. Brian started making a quick vegetable soup with some fresh bread on the side, while Freddie helped him cut the ingredients up to put them in the blender.

Freddie was quick to fill the silence up with chatter about the dentist appointment he would be having in the following week, but Brian was not yet done with him. 

“Babes, please don´t give the girls ideas about getting cats. You know it won´t work. We´re away for such long periods of time. Who would look after them?”, Brian tried setting up a serious expression while he was stirring skinned tomatoes into the soup, but he failed when his husband gave him a sweet but guilty smile from across the room, currently setting the table. 

“Kash already said that she could…”, Freddie murmured, but Brian interrupted him with a sigh. 

“Freddie…”

“But darling…don´t you remember how lovely it was when we still had Tom and Jerry?”, the Persian asked, putting down the last plate and walking around the kitchen isle and toward the guitarist, slinging his arms around Brian´s slim waist from behind, leaning his chin onto his shoulder, “How cosy it used to be when they snuggled up by our feet on the sofa? How sweet they were?”

“Course I remember…”, Brian murmured, fondly thinking back to those nights in their first ever flat, a small place with a mouldy bathroom and lousy heating at the top of a tall building of cheap apartments, where they had spent their mid-twenties eating stale toast and dreaming to make it big one day. 

“The girls would benefit from it too…learning how to care for animals, taking responsibility…Don´t you think?”, Freddie purred into his ear, now pushing his hands into the front pockets of Brian´s jeans, nuzzling at his neck. 

“Those poor creatures would be alone at the house for months on end.”, Brian sighed, but his hand, which had held the wooden spoon to stir the soup had stopped moving and his eyes were fluttering shut when Freddie gently sucked a spot right behind his ear. 

“But didn´t we say that we wanted to take a step back on touring in the next years? Roggie and Deaks said so as well, they want more time with their families too. We could focus on a new album…experiment a bit.”, Freddie murmured, which caused Brian´s eyes to open again as he couldn´t help but chuckle, turning off the heat of the cooker. 

“You still want that solo album, don´t you, Fred?”, he teased his husband, chuckling softly as Freddie took his hands off of him and stepped next to him to look Brian in the eyes, an urgent expression on his features. 

“You know Queen will always be my first priority, Bri! You guys are my family, I owe everything to you! If it weren´t for you and Rog taking me as your singer back in the day I would still be…”, he babbled, a slight lisp to his speech, caused by his suddenly nervousness. 

With a soft smile, Brian placed a hand onto his cheek, stroking the slightly stubbly skin with his thumb and shutting his husband up with a kiss. 

Freddie gave a soft hum. 

“Easy, easy, honey, it´s alright.”, he murmured against his lips as he pulled away. “I know you´re not sacking Queen. I understand that you want to try things out.”

“Opera.”, Freddie whispered, his eyes shimmering with excitement and Brian chuckled softly, loving the way his husband got so very excited about his musical passions. In Brian´s opinion, it was one of the best aspects of their relationship. Their unconditional support for each other´s passions and quirks, hobbies and interests. 

Countless times Brian had gone to the opera with Freddie, had listened to vinyls of the Italian Grand Dames with him while they had cooked and cleaned, had breakfast and drank tea, had made love and had sung along to it in their kitchen at three in the morning. 

And in turn, Freddie had listened to Brian ramble on and on about space, about the cosmos and its endless secrets. He analysed his guitar solos with him and had read up on Veganism and animal rights, because he knew how passionate Brian was about those things. 

“Exactly. And I´m absolutely alright with you doing that. So are Roger and John, by the way.”, Brian replied, pressing a quick peck onto his husband’s cheek, “Actually, I think Roger has been thinking about doing some solos projects of his own, you should chat to him about it, it sounds quite good. And then I´ve also come to think that I might…”

Freddie quirked up a brow, his lips pursed as he stepped away from Brian, sauntering around the kitchen isle with an air of pretended offence. 

“Oh? First he wants to get his Ph.D. and then he´s making plans for his own album? Next thing I know, you´re founding your own band with our daughters, dropping me and the boys altogether!”, Freddie complained, but there was an amused glint to his dark eyes and Brian couldn´t help but laugh as he heard his husband´s words. 

“I think Azar would make a brilliant lead singer! And Esfir could write the songs, she´d be so good at that.”, he mused. 

“Traitors! The lot of you!”, Freddie hissed, pretending to be deeply hurt and walking into the hallway, the call their daughters for lunch.

“Girls! Come and get lunch in the kitchen! Daddy wants to talk to you about this new idea for a band he´s just come up with!”

What followed was a very lively afternoon. Azar and Esfir had of course taken their father´s joke quite literally and after lunch, they decided to get going with the planning for their new band, drawing posters, putting together costumes and getting quite immersed in their little game. 

When it got to around 4 pm, they all went on a little walk together, dressed in their warmest winter coats, scarfs and hats, stopping at the local playground for the girls to burn some energy, as they had been getting a little hyper inside the house. 

Brian made them pasta and vegetarian Bolognese for dinner, Esfir being his little helper in the kitchen, while Azar had persuaded Freddie to play Uno with her. 

After dinner, they all watched a movie together, a documentary Brian had found on Netflix, about the arctic and the animals that lived there, which the girls loved, Azar squealing about the penguins and Esfir loving the polar bears, proclaiming that she way going to go on a polar expedition and become a vet solely for polar bears when she was old enough. 

They got the children ready for bed, Brian reading them a story while Freddie put some hair oil into both of the girl´s heads of curls, gently and carefully disentangling the strands while they sat on his lap, an ancient tradition from India, usually passed on from mother to daughter, but Freddie was happily taking on the job of caring for his daughters´ hair. 

They each got a kiss goodnight from their Baba and their Daddy and then Brian and Freddie went downstairs again. 

Yearningly, Brian eyed up the comfortable sofa in their living room, already imagining himself on it with Freddie, the singer´s head resting in his lap, where Brian could run his hands through his hair and massage his neck while they watched something easy on telly, having a glass of Rosé and enjoying the quietness of a Sunday night in before, in a few weeks, their busy touring schedule would start again.

But Brian knew that his work for the day on his Ph.D. wasn´t done yet and so he retreated back to his small office room while Freddie went down into the basement to their music room to play some piano.

For another hour, Brian tortured himself with trying to understand the paper he had previously been reading and as he had gotten through it and finished his notes, he shut down his laptop and got up from his desk. 

When he stood in the hallway, he listened, trying to hear if he could hear the girls still chatting to one another, but everything was quiet and so he walked down the stairs into the basement, where he could already hear Freddie playing the piano, a new tune with a beautifully melancholic ring to it, that he hadn´t heard before. 

Their music room was somewhat of a retreat for them, a bit of a man-cave, as Freddie´s ex-fiancé Mary called it jokingly whenever she was over, but Brian and Freddie both loved it. It had a cosy, 70s vintage vibe to it, housing all of their instruments such as Freddie´s Grand piano in white and all of Brian´s fifteen guitars as well as one of Roger´s old drum kits and their huge record collection. 

It was a small piece of their youth, always a bit untidy, a wild mix of patterns, animals print, emerald green and mustard yellow, a huge orient rug on the floor, looking a little worn already. 

The walls were decorated with hundreds and hundreds of framed photographs, snapshots form their countless gigs over the years, a memory wall of Queen, of their success and the friendship they shared with Roger and John. Ever since they had bought the house about five years ago, the room had grown into one of Brian´s favourite places inside of their home. 

Freddie had his back to Brian, totally immersed in the work his fingers were doing on the piano keys but when the guitarist gently placed his hands onto his husbands shoulders and started massaging them, he slipped slightly, humming softly. 

“Hmm…that feels lovely…”, he murmured and Brian leaned in to place his lips onto Freddie´s neck, rubbing the tip of his long, narrow nose against the singer´s hairline, gently kissing the peach fuzz that grew on his neck. 

Brian sighed softly as he breathed in the scent of his husband, his zesty cologne, the smell of argan oil, laundry detergent, a hint of the spices of the Bolognese they had had for dinner and warmth, home, just Freddie. Comfort and love and trust and everything Brian could ever want. 

“I´m done with reading papers for today…too tired…”, Brian murmured against the skin of his husband´s neck, nosing against the shell of his ear. 

Touch had always been their love language and Brian would never, never ever get enough of touching his husband, of holding him in his arms, of being soft and tender and slow with him, of feeling his warmth under his palms and his breath against his own skin. 

“My poor darling…Come on, have a seat…”, Freddie replied in a low murmur turning his head slightly to press a slow, honey-sweet kiss against Brian´s lips before he pulled away and scooted over slightly so Brian could sit down on the piano bench with him. “Would you like a glass of Rosé?”

“God Fred, you´re heaven-sent. Yes please.”, Brian replied and watched his husband walk over to a small cabinet next to their vinyl collection, picking out a bottle of Rosé and then opening it up, pouring some of it into two tall wine glasses, before he came back to Brian, handing him his glass. 

“There you go, dear. Cheers.”, the singer said, sitting down next to Brian and clinking glasses with him. 

Brian took his first sip and sighed with delight.

“Thanks baby, that´s delicious... Is it the one we´ve brought from Italy this summer?”, he asked, watching the pinkishly tinted liquid swirl around in his glass.

“Last bottle.”, the Persian said with a sad smile, taking a sip himself. 

“Shame…”, Brian murmured and they both smiled at one another, remembering their last holiday in Italy in the summer, a small getaway with the girls to the Lago di Garda, a precious break in their busy touring schedule, lazy days by the water, blue skies and sun, teaching the children how to swim in the lake, eating pasta and gelato and pizza all day long and watching the girls be so happy, so carefree, their little family unbothered by paparazzi or reporters. It had been heaven on earth. 

“Keep playing…I liked the tune…”, Brian murmured and leaned his head against his husband´s shoulders. 

Freddie put down his glass and then his fingers started dancing over the keys again, a melancholic melody, sweet and airy in the quiet of the house. Brian smiled and closed his eyes, allowing himself to succumb to a pleasant feeling of lethargy when suddenly, Freddie´s playing was interrupted by a row of dissonant chords as his hands came to a halt. 

“Oh my God, what is that?”, the singer questioned and as Brian opened his eyes, he saw him looking at a mark on the side of the piano, bright pink and very obvious. Brian was wondering how the both of them hadn´t noticed it sooner. 

“Looks like felt tip pen.”, he said while bowing his head to look at it as well. 

“Let me see if I can…get it off…”, Freddie murmured, liking his thumb and rubbing it against the material, going a little harder with each passing second, before he then gave a defeated sigh, “It won´t come off, will it?”, he sighed, looking quite gutted. 

They both knew that it must have been one of their daughters, sneaking into the room when they hadn´t been paying attention. Usually, the girls weren´t allowed in the music room, not on their own at least, mostly because Azar usually got a bit wild when playing on Freddie´s piano or Roger´s drum kit and Esfir had a habit of leaving traces of her felt tip pens everywhere she went. 

Also, Brian usually liked to take down some of the framed photos on the walls when he knew that the girls were there, mostly because some of them featured half-naked women on snapshots taken during after show parties, large quantities of alcohol, other substances and Freddie on stage, in poses that Brian didn´t find very appropriate for their daughters to see. Not that Esfir or Azar paid those photos much attention. They usually loved to play catch, running around the piano, jumping up and down on the large leather sofa and playing around with Freddie´s old microphones, using them for pretend sword fights until Freddie or Brian put a stop to it. 

“I´m afraid not…She´s drawn a frankly quite adorable picture of a little bunny on the cover of my laptop last week.”, Brian admitted with a bashful smile and his husband´s eyes grew wide.  
“Who? Which one of our two little monsters did this?”, he asked. 

“I´m afraid it was Esfi.”, Brian said and Freddie shook his head in disbelieve. 

“Esfi?! I would have thought this was an Azar-thing to do!”, he mused and Brian couldn´t help but chuckle. 

“I guess her sister has been a bad influence on her.”, he murmured, already sensing that his husband´s initial reaction of shock, maybe even a bit of anger, was vanishing. Freddie could never be angry for long when it came to his children. They simply were the apple of his eye. 

“Oh well…she is a little artist after all. I guess her creativity just finds its outlets.”, the Persian murmured with a small, humoured smile. 

“Much like her Baba in that aspect.”, Brian added, taking Freddie´s hand in his and lifting it up to his lips to tenderly kiss his knuckles. 

“Well Esfi´s helped me work on a new song before she had been befallen by that horrible stomach bug, our poor little darling.”, Freddie said with a fond smile, his thumb now softly tracing the contour of the guitarist´s upper lip. 

“Oh? I´d love to hear it.”, Brian murmured, gently kissing the tip of his thumb, but Freddie only smiled quite smugly, pulling away his hand. 

“Oh no darling, that´s our secret. It still needs some more work and we haven´t included Azi´s ideas yet. I´m sure she has some contributions to make. You´ll hear it in due time.”, he explained and Brian couldn´t help but smirk at him, smiling with how happy it made him to have Freddie in his life, to have this family, to share this life with him. 

“I love you very much. Do you know that, Fred?”, Brian said softly, putting down his glass of wine as their hands found each other so naturally, their fingers entwining.

Their lives were hectic and moments like these had become so very few. That was why they were so precious to the both of them. 

“Yes, I do, darling. I love you too.”, Freddie replied, his brown eyes the colour of melted chocolate, crinkling at the corners from all the happiness, all the laughter they had shared in the last ten years.

“I´m so happy…so very happy, Brian.”, the Persian said softly, “I´d have never thought…never dreamed of…”, his lower lip began to tremble softly as he continued to speak, “You being my husband and the girls…”

His voice broke and Brian pulled him into his arms, pressing a sweet kiss onto his husband´s forehead. 

“Our beautiful daughters.”, Brian whispered against Freddie´s hairline and the singer made a sound, half slightly strangled sob, half laughter. Brian loved this side of the Persian, just like he loved all aspects of his personality. Freddie felt things very deeply, felt them so profoundly that sometimes, all of those emotions spilled out him, happy tears cried with a smile on his face as he leaned against Brian´s shoulder. 

“Sometimes I can´t even fathom…the fact that those perfect, wonderful children are part of our little family…I would do anything for them, I love them so much…”, Brian whispered, his own voice sounding thick with those feelings of selfless love, of absolute adoration and protectiveness he had for his two daughters and husband. 

Freddie raised his head and looked up at Brian, his eyes misty with tears, but a smile was tugging at the corners of his mouth, toothy and adorably vulnerable. 

“They´re so much like you, darling. They´re so kind and sweet and so very clever. They´re learning so much from you, every day. Azi knows so much about animals and how to protect them, how to care for them. And Esfi is already a small expert in everything regarding space, the cosmos and rocket ships.”, the singer said, his eyes shimmering as he looked at his husband. 

“Freddie, you´re their hero as well. You´re so patient with them, so nurturing and sweet and loving. When you sit them on your lap and teach them how to play the piano or when you draw pictures with them, when you sew all those costumes for them.”, Brian said and his words made the singer chuckle softly, as he shrugged helplessly. 

“What can I say, I just can´t say no when they ask for another fairy costume, it´s my soft spot.”, he murmured and then Brian pressed an eager, slightly clumsy kiss onto his lips, simply because he was sure of the fact that he wouldn´t be able to find the words that would tell his husband how very much he loved him right now. 

Freddie hummed with delight as Brian held his face in both his hands, stroking both of his cheeks with his thumbs. 

When they broke the kiss, they stayed close, leaning their foreheads against each other. 

“Breaks my heart to think that we´ll have to leave them here for two months this summer.”, Freddie suddenly whispered, sadness in his eyes as Brian leaned back a little to look at him. 

“I know, baby, it´s the same for me, I can´t even imagine not having them around. I´ll be so worried for them…if they´re sleeping properly…if they´re eating…if they´re sad and missing us…or sick…”

Freddie caringly brushed a strand of curls out of Brian´s forehead before he said, „But we´ll be facetiming them every day! And they´re already excited to spent a month each with Grandma and Grandad and Maman and Baba Bozorg.”

The singer gave Brian a slightly defeated smile as the thought seemed to settle in.

“My Mum will probably spoil them rotten again. Remember last time we went on tour and they came back home with ten new dollies each and about twenty Saris.”

“Those are beautiful, Fred, the girls should wear them more often!”, Brian said, feeling slightly guilty for the fact that those beautiful items of clothing were simply catching dust by hanging in the girls´ closets, only getting an outing whenever they visited Freddie´s parents. 

“My Dad will probably give into their pleas to let them play around with my old guitars. They´ll have picked up a new hobby once we´re back, both constantly shredding away at them.”, Brian added with a guilty smile and watched his husband shake his head, throwing his hands up in despair, almost knocking Brian in the head with one of his arms by accident. 

“No! What about the piano lessons I have given them! It´ll all be lost!”, he cried out in mock-despair. 

“Honey, you do know that one can learn to play two instruments, not just one.”, Brian laughed but Freddie seemed to disagree. 

“No no no, that´s much too confusing!”, he proclaimed, which made Brian raise his brows at his husband. 

“Both you and I can play each other´s instruments reasonably well. It´s not confusing!”, he argued and Freddie gave him a challenging smile, his arms crossed in front of his chest. 

“Oh yeah? Show me your piano skills then, May.”, he challenged Brian, who couldn´t help but chuckle. 

“Why don´t you show me your guitar skills first, Mercury?”, Brian replied, but Freddie only gave him a flippant shrug. 

“Because I can only play three accords on your precious Red Special, darling. But you just said you´re the piano man. So go on! I want to see.”

“Alright…”, Brian cracked the joints of his fingers, simply because he knew that it drove Freddie nuts and began playing the tune of their song “Save Me”, a melody he had memorised by heart.  
He thought himself t be doing quite well before Freddie started joining in, adding a few dissonant notes by pressing a key here and there. 

“Hey!”, Brian complained, but Freddie only grinned at him. 

“Improvisation! Bit of a boggie, come on, Brimi!”, he laughed and then hammered down on a few more keys, already getting up from the piano bench. 

“Stop that, you!”, the guitarist told his husband, trying to get a hold of his hands, but Freddie was fast, slipping away from him, seeking refuge behind the piano, running around it and attacking the keys from the other side, until Brian abandoned his playing altogether. 

“Just you wait, you naughty little minx!”, Brian growled while he chased Freddie around the room, almost slipping on the orient rug as Freddie ducked behind the drum kit, giggling and squealing like one of his daughters, enjoying their game very much until Brian finally managed to crowd him up against a wall, slightly out of breath, his hair probably a mess from running around. 

“Got you!”, he whispered with a devious smile, placing his hands left and right next to the singer´s head. 

Freddie was flushed and giddy, jumping slightly when Brian pressed one of his knees behind his slim legs to pin him right in place. 

“Oh…what are you gonna do with me now that you´ve got me all at your mercy, Dr. May?”, the singer purred. 

“I like how that sounds…Dr. May…”, Brian chuckled breathlessly. 

“Me too…I´m married to a Doctor…Really did secure myself a good husband there, what a lucky lady I am…”, Freddie replied in a mock-posh accent. 

“My beautiful lady…Come here you, I want to snog you silly…”, Brian groaned and then crashed his lips into his husband´s mouth, their kiss turning heated and shamelessly filthy quite fast, Brian´s tongue plundering the Persian´s mouth mercilessly, pressing him harder against the wall, his hands now sliding towards Freddie´s bottom, squeezing the firm globes under his palms. 

Freddie moaned into his mouth, the sound seeming to vibrate through Brian´s entire body as the singer´s hands disappeared in his hair, giving those unruly locks a poignant tug and breaking the kiss.  
“I can´t wait for those post-concert-fucks when we´re on tour again…they´re the best…You get so worked up after a gig, my darling…”, Freddie purred against his lips, his fingers still playing with the ends of Brian´s hair.

“Because I have to watch you parade around in your flimsy little outfits, shaking your cute little bottom in front of thousands of people...”, Brian replied, grabbing his husband´s arse a little harder. 

“Oh Brimi…do you still get jealous, even after all this time?”, Freddie teased, his lashes fluttering as he looking up at Brian. 

“Insanely jealous…”, the guitarist replied in a sharp hiss. 

“So possessive…”, the singer purred, running his thumb over Brian´s bottom lip until the guitarist caught it between his teeth, gently biting down on it, which made Freddie moan softly. 

“Yeah…because I have to make sure you know who you belong to…”, Brian whispered against the pad of his husband´s thumb. 

“Oh, I do know, darling…”, Freddie replied with a mischievous smile, his thumb now circling the bump of Brian´s adam´s apple. 

“No harm in fucking you nice and hard afterwards, just as a little reminder.”, Brian said, his hands running up and down the singer´s slim waist and torso, already pulling slightly at the yellow Nike sweater he was wearing. 

“Remember last tour…”, Freddie whispered as Brian´s fingertips disappeared under the hem of the sweater, searching for the naked skin of the Persian´s belly.

“Yeah…”, Brian replied, knowing very well what his husband was talking about. 

Their last world tour had not only been a huge success in terms their musical career, but had also been a wonderful chance to spent more time as a couple, two men in love rather than just two fathers, struggling to make family life and some alone time fit into their busy schedules of working on their album and bringing up their daughters. 

It had turned out him and Freddie had had quite a bit to catch up with, that being mostly having so much sex that Brian had felt like he was 24 again, an eager, nervous boy who had just discovered that his best friend and bandmate Freddie Bulsara was much better at blowing his cock than any girl he had ever been with and that he never ever wanted to go back. 

“When you had me bend over that amp…”, Freddie purred into Brian´s ear, making him shiver. 

“And when we did it in the hotel shower…”, Brian groaned at the mention of that night, “And then on the dining table at the room at the Hilton in Paris…”, Freddie added and the guitarist nodded, swallowing thickly, “And then on the balcony…where everyone could have seen…”

“Fred…”, Brian groaned hoarsely, his face growing hot, his heart hammering in his chest. 

“Yes Brimi…?”, the Persian purred with a devilishly smug smile. 

“I want you…” 

Brian pressed his groin against his husband thigh, enjoying the friction it provided him with, his lashes fluttering as he began kissing the other man´s neck. 

“Hmmhmm…”, Freddie sighed, leaning back his head to give his husband better access of his skin. 

“I need you so much…it´s been three days…”, Brian whispered hotly against the singer´s collar, his hands now fully wandering under the other´s sweater. 

It was true. Since Brian had spent the last three nights by his sick daughter´s bed and Freddie had cared for her in the daytime, they simply hadn´t had the time to share anything but a sweet kiss good-morning and good-night, Brian barely being able to sleep with worry. 

“Four, darling…”, Freddie corrected him, “Four arduous days…”

“Fuck…”, Brian cursed, nibbling on his husband´s earlobe. 

“Yes…why don´t you do just that, Brimi dear? Fuck me right against that wall…”, Freddie suggested with a soft laugh, the heel of his palm now pressing against the tenting front of Brian´s jeans.  
“Yes…Fred…”, the guitarist whispered hotly. 

“God Brimi…you´re making me so horny right now I…”

“Baaaaabaaaaa!”

They both stopped in their tracks as they heard one of their daughters calling them. Freddie groaned loudly, leaning his head against Brian´s shoulder.  
The guitarist couldn´t help but chuckle softly, holding his breath for a few seconds to lose his previous excitement. 

“Daaaaddyyyy!”, one of the little girls shouted again, louder this time. 

“Alright, that´s us done for tonight.”, the singer murmured with a pitiful chuckle. 

“Baba!”

The little voice now almost sounded angry and they were quick to disentangle themselves from one another to then hastily make their way up the stairs. 

“Yes Esfi, my sweet flower?”, Freddie said as they had reached the ground floor, seeing their daughter´s little face peeking through the railing of the stairs on the upper floor of the house. 

“Are you alright, sweetheart?”, Brian asked her. 

“Azi´s vomited all over her bed. I think I gave her my stomach bug.”, the little girl explained, clutching Gina the giraffe against her chest. 

Brian´s alarm bells started ringing as he hasted up the stairs and towards his daughter, his heart hammering in his chest with fear. 

“Oh dear! Oh God, my poor sweethearts! Daddy´s coming! Daddy´s on his way!”

In the end, they all ended up sleeping in Freddie´s and his bed. Azar had in fact been sick over her whole bed and Brian had soothed her and had gotten her into fresh pyjamas while Freddie had stripped the bed, comforting her worried sister as well. 

The girls had been anxious and clingy and as they had both been tired, they finally had given into their daughter´s pleas, letting them sleep in the bed with them. They quickly had settled down, lying between their fathers, snuggled up under the big duvet, obviously quite content. 

Azar fell asleep right away, curled up against Brian´s chest just like she had done when she had been a baby, while her sister was starting to fall asleep as well, her little head resting on Freddie´s chest.  
“Good night, my darlings.”, Freddie whispered into the dark. 

“Night Baba…”, Esfir murmured, “Night Daddy…”

“Good night, sweetheart.”, Brian replied, pulling the duvet up to her chin and gently stroking her cheek. 

In between their sleeping daughters there was a small free space of mattress. This was where Brian´s hand found that of his husband, waiting, holding, always adoring as they entwined their fingers with one another. 

It was comforting and warm, safe and lovely and Brian was sure of the fact that he had never been happier than in this moment, right here, with his two beautiful daughters and his husband.


	4. Can You Feel My Heart? / Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my darlings, 
> 
> Welcome to part one of the next story of my modern day Maycury AUs. This one really is extra special to me and very close to my heart. That is why I split it up into two parts, to really be able to tell the whole story and give the full picture.
> 
> Now, before you start reading, I want to make it clear that this story deals with depression, eating disorders, problems with body image and also with self-worth and mental health in general. I don´t want to trigger anybody and if those topics could trigger you or are uncomfortable to you, you might not want to read this story.  
> In this AU, I really tried to delve deep into what I thought one version of Freddie and Brian could have been, had mental health been more of a focus point in their lives. In no way do I claim that this is what their issues were like for real, because we simply do not know that. I´m drawing on a lot of personal experiences in this story as well and it was very intense, but also super interesting to write this. 
> 
> If after this story, you feel like chatting about the contents, feel free to leave a comment or hit me up on tumblr, I´m @grand-budapest-queen on there. 
> 
> Part two will be posted next week.   
> Now, I hope you are all well! Sending you all lot´s of love! Enjoy!

The first time Brian saw him, his life had fallen into pieces. 

Getting up in the morning had been incredibly hard. Having a shower had been much harder. Sitting on his desk and studying for his finals, knowing that he had to leave the house later that night had been agony for Brian.

Before his friend Roger had picked him up from his dorm, Brian hadn´t done anything on that day but get up, shower, get dressed and study. No breakfast or lunch, no breaks, just him and his books, the continual inpour of information being the only way to make his loud noisy brain quiet down into grumpy silence for a few hours. 

When he looked at himself in the slightly dusty mirror hanging on the back of his wardrobe door, he had seen nothing but a tired, sad 23-year old with a bird´s nest for hair, who looked like he was drowning in his baggy Arctic Monkey band tee and the only pair of jeans that weren´t too big yet. 

He had felt miserable, had been close to texting Roger and telling him that he couldn´t make it, that he wouldn´t be able to go tonight. There was his bed and the duvet he could hide under, where he could listen to some Bring Me The Horizon in his dark room until he passed out, only to wake up at about three in the morning, unable to fall back asleep and woken up by his hunger because he hadn´t eaten all day. 

But then he was sure that Roger would be dragging him out of the house by his curls, would simply force him to go and Brian was much too tired to have that fight tonight.   
He had decided that struggling through the hour of Support Group would be less of an effort than putting up with a supportive drummer and it would also keep Roger from worrying so much. 

He hated to see his friend so concerned, his blue eyes dulling under the constant worry for Brian. It was moments like these when Brian felt most miserable. Roger had a heart of gold and he didn´t give anything back to him, couldn´t even properly appreciate the blonde boy who had adopted him on the first day of uni, when Brian had sat around like a frightened and lost puppy while Roger had been making friends in every course. 

“Have you gotten around to playing your guitar in these last days, mate?”, Roger had asked him after he had picked him up and they had walked up to campus, shivering in the frosty winter night. 

“No…”, Brian had replied quietly without looking at his friend, once again feeling like an absolute disappointment. Two years ago, they had had a dream, a dream of founding their own band, Roger on the drums and him playing the guitar. They had even thought about looking for a singer, a bassist maybe. 

Those dreams had been spoken of less and less since Brian had gotten more and more quiet, more and more withdrawn.

It had been Roger, sweet, caring Roger, who had dragged him to his GP a few months ago.

Three weeks later, Brian had gone to a therapist for the first time, a nervous, sweating wreck, full of prejudices and fears about what would happen to him. The guy had told him that he was depressed, which had felt like both a relief and a burden to Brian. 

For three six he had now been taking his medication. He was supposed to be better by now, much better. And while the medication had helped to regulate his mood, it had left him with a dull kind of emptiness that made him feel drowsy and emotionless. 

Of course, Roger had noticed, even though Brian had tried his best to hide it from him, trying to be as sociable as possible, even going out to party with him every now and then, acting as if everything was fine and dandy. 

But after that, a period of total deterioration had followed. One morning, Brian had woken up and decided that he was too tired. Too tired to keep on fighting. Too tired to keep on pretending. 

He had lain in bed for a full week, not returning Roger´s or his girlfriend Chrissie´s calls, not eating, barely drinking some of the stale water in an old cola bottle next to his bed and rarely dragging himself to the bathroom. 

It had resulted in another intervention from Roger, an emergency visit to the therapist, an increase in the dosage of his medication and the end of his relationship with Chrissie, which had left him feeling oddly numb and strangely relieved, considering the fact that after two years, Brian had felt like nothing but a disappointment to her. 

Three weeks ago, Roger, who still seemed to be determined to care for Brian like a patient mother, had mentioned the uni support group, a place for people with mental health issues to meet and talk about the struggles of getting through day to day uni life while taking care to their mental health and wellbeing. 

The room the meeting was taking place in was cold, located in the basement of the science building, a communal space with old couches, smelling of dust and stale air. There were few people around and Brian almost wanted to beg Roger to let him go back home, to simply forget about it all, order some pizza and watch Dr. Who, but then the Blonde gave him a thumbs up and a smile and made his way over to the library, where he would study for an hour before picking Brian up again. 

For a few minutes, he awkwardly stood around. A girl with a friendly smile and blue hair offered him some tea and introduced him to a few other people. All of them were nice enough, but he almost felt like they were all trying to assess the other one´s mental health issues by just looking at each other, nervously chatting non-sense about exams and deadlines and the general stresses of uni life while awkwardly staring at one another. 

Brian had been about to text Roger to pick him up earlier as he could feel himself growing incredibly tired. 

But then he saw him. 

The boy, well young man, was sitting on one of the couches, almost seeming invisible to the people around him. His eyes were as dark as onyxes, their almond shape accentuated by winged eyeliner, his hair a frizzy, wavy mess of a shaggy outgrown mullet, his arms and legs so painfully thin that it was almost shocking to Brian. 

His face was sharp, his cheekbones high, his nose narrow. He was skinny, but in a way that was different to Brian, who had been quite slim his whole life. There was something fragile about him, something unknown and deep. Something enticing and dark, something that seemed to pull Brian in like a moth flying towards the light. 

He was simply sitting there, peeling the black nail vanish off of his nails and staring at Brian. Brian stared back at him, feeling himself blush while his hands grew sweaty and then the stranger smiled at him, a surprisingly sweet close-lipped smile that reached his incredible dark eyes and made Brian´s stomach feel all funny and warm. 

His name, as Brian would learn during their little round of introducing themselves, was Freddie and he studied art and design. 

Still, Brian didn´t do much more than look at him, shyly averting his gaze whenever those incredibly dark eyes gazed his way. He was much too shy to talk to Freddie, much too awkward to socialize at all.

Still, Brian couldn´t stop looking. He felt drawn towards him in a way that he had never known before. Maybe it was something about his eyes, a hint of shyness in them, his lashes fluttering nervously when he smiled or laughed. Maybe it was his smile, the way he hastily covered his mouth to hide his teeth with surprisingly feminine hands. 

Staring down into his mug of tea, Brian started to feel like a complete and utter failure. Even in a support group, where he should be socialising and talking to people who experienced the same or similar problems that he had, he was too stupid and too shy to talk to anyone. 

During the small talking exercises, the guy from the university’s mental health awareness group set them up to do in groups of three, to talk about their daily struggles and to network, Brian felt like a blushing, stuttering mess while he told them about his horribly irregular sleeping patterns. 

“What do you do when you can´t sleep?”, a voice suddenly said next to him and Brian felt heat creeping up his neck as he saw who it had come from. 

There was something foreign about Freddie´s accent, something slightly wobbly and insecure in his tone of voice and as his dark eyes met Brian´s he could see the struggle in them.   
Could it be true? Was he just as nervous about talking to Brian than he was about talking to him. 

“I listen to Hendrix.”, Brian admitted in a quiet voice, “I know it´s a bit odd…It´s not exactly the type of music that´ll calm you down but…”

Brian stopped in his tracks as he saw a smile bloom on Freddie´s features, exposing a set of quite protruding and rather large teeth, which he quickly covered with his upper lip as he seemed to notice Brian and also the two girls Brian had previously been talking to, staring at them. 

“I love Jimmy Hendrix…”, Freddie said softly, still smiling. 

Brian could feel his previous interlocutors inching away slowly, probably sensing that this was going to be the conversation of two music nerds and Brian couldn´t help but feel a little sorry and also, quite awkward. 

“You do? W-what your favourite album?”, he asked quickly, simply to keep the conversation going, but the question seemed to be just right for Freddie, whose eyes started sparkling with excitement. 

“Electric Ladyland…I know it´s a bit cliché but All Along the Watchtower…it´s just…”, he even blushed and Brian felt heat soaring through his veins and pooling low in his belly. 

“It´s brilliant…genius…”, he commented and then they shared a poignant look, a sudden familiarity between them as they inched a little closer, almost forgetting the room and the people around them.

“I play a bit of guitar myself…”, Brian said with a small nervous smile and Freddie looked at him like he had just painted the stars in the sky, his gaze so intense, so utterly adoring that Brian felt his throat growing tight. 

“I sing…”, he murmured, “…every now and then…”

What followed was a conversation so lively and intense that Brian sometimes felt like pinching himself to wake himself up from the dream he surely was having. They talked about music, about Hendrix and Lennon, Aretha Franklin, Frank Ocean and Elton John. They talked about poetry and literature, about how Brian loved Lord of the Rings and Hermann Hesse and how Freddie loved old Vintage Movies from the 40s and 50s and Marlene Dietrich, a German actress from the 20s that Brian had never heard of and planned on googling as soon as he got home. 

Time seemed to fly by and much sooner than Brian had expected, people were starting to trickle out of the room to go home. For a second, Freddie and him stood awkwardly in front of each other, their empty mugs of tea in hand.

Brian felt his heartbeat hammering away in his chest, his hands growing sweaty and all he could think about was the fact that he needed to somehow manage to stay in contact with this guy, to maybe get his number without seeming creepy or like he was trying to…

“Darling, would you like to go and get a coffee somewhen?”, Freddie suddenly asked him and Brian´s head snapped up as he stared at him. 

“As in…like a…”, he stammered, not really knowing what he was trying to say and also, why he was asking this question. 

Freddie just smiled at him, a sweet but slightly shy smile as he looked up at Brian. 

“Yeah, as in…a date…”, he murmured and suddenly seemed a little tense. 

“Em…sure…”, Brian replied, not even properly registering what had just happened while he pulled out his phone from the pocket of his trousers and told Freddie his number, who saved it in his contacts. 

For a second, Brian could get a glimpse of the singer´s lockscreen, a quote from a Lady Gaga song, which made Brian smile a little. 

“I´ll text you, alright darling?”, Freddie said as they put on their jackets, the singer´s, of course, being a black fur coat, that seemed to swallow him up entirely, his skinny legs looking like twigs peeking out of it. 

“Yeah…yeah alright…”, Brian replied and wondered why he suddenly sounded so breathless. 

He was going to see him again. He was going to see this wonderful, clever, beautiful man again and he was going to text him. Brian couldn´t quite believe it. 

“Good night, darling. It was such a pleasure to meet you.”, Freddie said and gave him another one of those adorably shy smiles and a little wave of his hand. 

“Bye Freddie, good night. It was lovely meeting you too.”, Brian replied and felt the tips of his ears growing hot. 

“I got a girl´s number.”, Roger said with a smile on his lips, his blue eyes sparkling with joy, “She´s really cute, I´ve been seeing her around for weeks, I couldn´t help but ask.”

As promised, the drummer had picked Brian and they quickly had gotten on their way back to Brian´s flat, shivering in the cold of the icy night, their noses red and their fingertips numb. 

“How lovely.”, Brian replied and then looked over at Roger´s phone, on which he was showing him the profile picture the girl had put on her messenger account. She had friendly dark eyes, a sweet smile and beautiful long dark hair with the front pieces of it dyed pastel pink. 

“She´s really pretty. I like her hair.”, Brian added and Roger nodded and grinned at him. 

“Isn´t it cool?”

“It is.”, Brian agreed, a genuinely happy smile appearing on his lips, which Roger seemed to notice. Brian felt lighter somehow, the cold air filling his lungs, warmth still lingering on his cheeks. 

What would be the harm in telling Roger about his upcoming date and the fascinating design-student named Freddie he had just met? The drummer was one of his best friends and Brian trusted him, was sure of the fact that he would never be judged by him. For anything. 

“Actually…I got someone´s number as well.”, he said slowly and watched Roger´s face light up with pure happiness. Frankly, it was quite adorable how chuffed the other man was for him. 

“You did? Mate, that´s amazing!”, he laughed, clapping Brian´s back and grinning at him as if Brian had just told him that he had won the lottery, “What´s her name? What is she like?”, he added and for a second, Brian staid quiet, thinking of various little lies that he could tell, but then decided against it. 

“Em…actually…his name is Freddie. He does art and design.”, Brian said quietly, attentively studying his friend´s face for any signs of confusion or irritation, but the Blonde´s smile didn´t falter and his hand staid right up on Brian´s shoulder, giving it a little squeeze. 

“Oh, does he? That´s awesome!”, Roger waggled his eyebrows at him, genuinely excited for his friend. “Have you got a picture?”

Brian shrugged and pulled out his phone to look Freddie up on his contacts. 

“Hang on…let me…ah, there he is…”

Just like Roger, he was seeing his profile picture for the first time and couldn´t help but feel a blush creep up his cheeks and a smile spread on his lips as he looked at it. 

Freddie was posing in front of plain brick wall, but it was the black kimono he was wearing, that took Brian´s breath away. It was a beautiful item of clothing, masterfully crafted and of the most extraordinary and fine pattern. It surely extenuated his Asian heritage, especially with the subtle make up Brian could make out on his unique features. 

“Wow, look at him!”, Roger said with a bright grin and then nudged Brian in the side with his elbow, “I do see the appeal! He looks awesome, Bri!”

“Yeah, he does! And…”, Brian chuckled and then, with a slightly lower tone of voice and a glint in his eyes, he added, “…he sings.”

“Oh, that sounds interesting.”, Roger replied in a mischievous tone of voice, waggling his eyebrows at Brian and making him laugh. 

“It is…Maybe I´ll get him to sing to me when we go out for coffee.”, Brian replied, a slight air of teasing pride in his voice as they continued to walk shoulder to shoulder. 

Once again, Roger nudged him in the side, now looking dead-serious. 

“You make sure of that, man! Remember us talking about the band! This is our chance to do it!”

It was Brian who texted Freddie first, not because he feared that the other man had forgotten all about him by now or because he was already going through all the different scenarios in which the singer was probably already regretting giving his number to Brian, no, of course not. It was simply because he was looking forward to that coffee date. 

And so, on the following evening, he wrote a simple text in which he asked Freddie how his day had been, feeling a pang of anxiety in the pit of his stomach as he sent the text and then tried to focus on his study notes again.

Not even two minutes later, he got a reply from Freddie and what followed were five full hours of texting on and off while trying to get some more work done and, in the end, giving up on it, because it was simply too much fun to talk to Freddie. 

The singer was witty and funny, he liked vines and memes and sent Brian some especially good ones when they got talking about the apparent scientific proof of astrology and then aliens, which steered them towards merfolk and then, of course, vampires, which Freddie seemed to be quite fond of. 

At 1 am, Brian remembered how much work he had to do the next day but it wasn´t until 3 that they said their good nights, setting the date of their next meeting to the following Wednesday, when they were planning to grab a coffee in the afternoon. 

The days went by and they kept on texting and while Brian was really enjoying himself, he got increasingly more nervous. 

Somehow, he felt like he had to hype himself up, to be the best version of himself on that afternoon. The Brian who was charming and witty, who could pull fascinating facts about space and the cosmos from his sleeve, who knew how to flirt and to make compliments, not the Brian who was always tired and who quietly watched the people around him live their lives, a watered down, faded version of his old self. 

What made his anxiety even worse was the fact that Freddie was ten minutes late, as Brian waited for him in front of the small café near Camden Market, but then his hastily flickering eyes found the singer walking towards him, wearing a nervous smile, his eyes shimmering with excitement. All nervousness seemed forgotten. 

“Hello darling, sorry for being late, I tried to find something to wear but then I had to change about twelve times because I looked ridiculous in all of my clothes, anyways, you look dashing!”, the singer greeted him with a waterfall of words and a quick hug and Brian blushed, because Freddie smelled amazing and had complimented the shirt he wore under his unzipped winter coat, a button down with the print of Van Gogh´s starry night on it, which he previously had felt slightly overdressed in. 

“Thank you…A-and no worries, Freddie. You´re outfit is amazing.”, Brian replied and Freddie gave him a toothy grin over the collar of his black fur coat, squeezing Brian´s arm with his fingers painted in sparkly black nail vanish and they went inside. 

Brian felt good in Freddie´s presence, better than he had felt in a long, long time. They got a can of green tea and a vegan brownie for Brian. “No, no thank you, nothing for me, dear.”, Freddie said quickly, when Brian offered to buy him something sweet as well. “I´ve had a big lunch.”

A comment on how Freddie could surely use the extra calories from a piece of cake or some other desert was laying at the tip of Brian´s tongue, until he realised that he himself hated such comments and that Freddie would surely not appreciate it. 

He wasn´t someone who was quick to make assumptions, but something about the way the singer had eyed the cakes and treats on display like they were a poisoned apple and the most delicious dish he had ever seen, both at the same time, had told Brian that Freddie´s relationship with food was a little complicated. 

They found a cosy little spot in the corner and chatted for the next two hours. Freddie told him about his design course and even showed him some of the sketches of pieces he was working on, pulling them out of messy folders he kept in the black leather satchel he carried with him. Brian admired those drawings, the creativity and skill he could see in them. 

Only when Freddie talked about his dream of becoming a singer, he lit up even more, blushing slightly, a small lisp in his speech as he spoke of his favourite artists and how he was still looking for a band to sing in. 

Brian was tempted to mention Roger and him looking for a singer, but then he decided against it, not wanting Freddie to think that the only reason he had gone out with him was because he wanted him in the band. 

Because Brian wanted much more than that from Freddie and it was hard to push the thought aside any longer. 

He couldn´t really explain how he had come to look at a man in this way, to notice the beauty in his slim hands and long fingers, his strong jawline, plush lips and dark eyes. All he knew was that he was fascinated by Freddie and that it didn´t matter to him that he was a man, although Brian had to admit to himself, that the slim waist and straight lines of the singer´s shoulders were just as attractive to him as a girl´s round hips or soft voice. 

They parted with a hug, a slightly longer one this time, and promised to text one another to schedule another date. 

The second one came early, the next day to be precise, when Freddie invited Brian to a walk in the afternoon, which came as a pleasant surprise to Brian, who was too tired to keep on studying after having been in lectures all day. 

They walked along the Thames, their finger brushing from time to time, as they watched the sun set in the blood red February skies, once again chatting about this and that but mostly about Brian´s favourite book, “Steppenwolf” by Hermann Hesse, which he promised to lend to Freddie because he said that it sounded quite good. 

As it turned out, both men seemed to share the trait of crippling shyness, clumsy smiling at one another in moments of silence, scrambling for words to fill it with. But then, when their gazes met again, a realisation seemed to come over the both of them, as they suddenly stood bare, unmasked in front of one another and grinned. There was no need for mindless chatter, nor for pretending any longer. There seemed to be a likeness of the mind in the both of them. 

They took a short stop, looking out over the black water of the river and Freddie seemed to freeze so badly in the cold of the evening, that Brian quickly took his hands in his, rubbing the slightly rough and cold skin between his fingers to warm it up, which made Freddie blush and smile up at him. 

“Sorry…I…always get so awfully c-cold in this weather…”, he murmured apologetically and blushed even harder when Brian blew a bit of warm breath onto his fingers while still cradling them in his hands. 

“We should have met up somewhere inside…Maybe grab a bite to eat…”, Brian suggested and for a confusing second, that expression of flattered happiness vanished from Freddie´s features and was replaced with sheer panic.   
Still, he was quick to laugh it off. 

“O-or maybe I could cook for us...Next time. Eating out is always so horribly expensive, don´t you think? Money´s a bit tight for me at the moment.”

It was settled that on their next date, they would meet up at Freddie´s place, where the singer would cook something for them. “Gotta call my Mum then. She´ll know of a goof dish to charm a cute guy with. That´s how she got my dad, I believe.”, Freddie said with a cheeky chuckle.

This time, when they said their goodbyes, their embrace was a little tighter, a little more intimate. Freddie felt so small in Brian´s arms, nothing but a big black fur coat and two long, thin legs in flared satin pants. 

“Darling…”, Freddie asked softly against the skin of Brian´s ear, “…would you mind if I kissed you…just on the cheek?”

The way he had phrased it made something warm pool in Brian´s stomach, an adorably polite shyness to his words. “Yes please.”, he replied, quickly and quietly and then the singer pressed a soft little kiss on the smooth patch of skin right bellow his cheekbone. 

“Would you mind if I did it too?”, Brian asked quietly, still feeling the tip of the singer´s nose lightly touching his skin. “Just on the cheek…?”

“Of course, darling. Please…”, Freddie replied and then Brian turned his face slightly and kissed Freddie, his lips so dangerously close to the singer´s warm mouth, pure accident to it but it still made his nerve-endings tingle. 

Freddie smelled like spices and something zesty, slightly floral as well and Brian had a hard time pulling away from him, as they both lingered close for a few seconds before they drew back. 

They parted almost quietly, all shy smiles and flushed cheeks and for a few days, Brian´s world felt light and soft and good. His medication didn´t taste like rotten eggs in the morning, he had enough energy to get through the day and he didn´t find himself spiralling into negative thoughts when he was laying in bed at night. Mostly because he was texting Freddie until the moment he fell asleep. 

Freddie lived in a flat quite close to Brian´s dorms, sharing the flat with two girls who were both in the same course as him. They both weren´t in, as Freddie told him when he greeted Brian with a big hug at the front door and pulled him into the cosy chaos that was the flat. 

There were mountains of shoes in any shape and form by the front door and Brian nearly tripped over a pair of red killer heels as he took off his own shoes. “Sometimes the girls let me borrow their heels when we go out.”, Freddie explained with a giggle. 

The walls were covered in prints of fashion brands, Valentino and Gucci, photos and magazine cut-outs arranged into skilful collages. The flat was small and cluttered, by there was a distinct feeling of comfortable and cosy disarray to it and Brian came to like the place quite a lot. 

He helped Freddie with cutting up vegetables and listened to him chatter about the recipe and how his mum had written him three pages of instructions on how to make the dish. “Mum and Dad are very proud of our Persian heritage, they try to teach me about the culture whenever they can. Probably think I´ve already forgotten everything since we came here seven years ago.”

This surprised Brian, as he had thought that Freddie had been a born Londoner and slightly hesitant but with growing enthusiasm Freddie told him about his childhood in Zanzibar and his school years in India. 

The stories the singer told him were all quite funny, little schoolboy adventures and pranks, tales of the exotic landscapes, the culture and the people, but there was a certain melancholy in his dark eyes and Brian could tell that somehow, it pained him to speak of his past. 

While they ate, they listened to Florence and the Machine and while Freddie told him that he had seen her in concert more than fifteen times, Brian could still tell that the singer was pushing his food around on his plate much more than actually eating it and that he left most of the rice, picking out the vegetables and eating them with slow, careful bites. 

Something was definitely wrong with Freddie´s eating. Now, that he wasn´t wearing his beloved fur coat, he looked even smaller to Brian, his arm like frail twigs pocking out of the slim-fitted yellow t-shirt he was wearing, his black skinny jeans held up on his hips by a belt. Still, there was something fascinating, something beautiful about the way Brian could see his hip bones peeking through, as he imagines kissing the smooth skin above them. 

“How about we watch a movie, darling? There´s this Japanese animation film I´ve been wanting to see for ages.”, Freddie suggested after they had finished eating and twenty minutes later, after doing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen, they retreat to Freddie room, which is an absolute enigma to Brian. 

If the singer´s extravagant clothing style had told Brian anything, he was even more impressed with Freddie´s four walls and the way he had decorated them. It was a bit messy, clothes and notebooks, sewing utensils and books, pens and pencils and fabrics were strewn all over the room, but there was a certain bohemian chic to the chaos and artistic skill to the whole cluttered and colourful aesthetic of the place. 

The walls were covered in posters and polaroid photos, the windowsills functioning as a book case and there was a keyboard on the desk by the window, which made Brian want to ask the singer if he´d play something for him. 

Freddie had made some peppermint tea for them, which smells delicious, and he was balancing the tray toward the bed, where he puts it down on the colourful tie-dye sheets. At first, it was a bit awkward as they sat on the bed, Freddie´s laptop positioned in front of them on a little breakfast table. 

Brian was so distracted by the room and all the little details hiding in every nook and cranny, that he had a hard time following the movie, “Spirited Away”, as it turned out. 

Still, after a few minutes, the movie managed to pull him in and for a while Brian forgot how awkward and insecure he felt and his eyes were glued to the screen as he followed Chihiro´s miraculous journey.

Sometimes, Freddie made those little sounds, a quiet chuckle or a small hum of sympathy and Brian couldn´t help but find it utterly lovely how invested the other man seemed to be in the film.

He couldn´t help but gaze at Freddie every now and then, his eyes quickly travelling over the singer, adoring the way he watched the screen with big, sympathetic eyes, almost child-like in his fascination, his features soft and friendly. 

But as much as he did seem like a boy in that moment, he did not seem to have lost his witty mind and eager senses. 

Brian´s little game of shy gazes ended, when the singer noticed his staring and looked right back at him. Brian felt like he had been caught red-handed, the other man´s open smile a triumphant evidence of his crime. 

He was guilty. Guilty of looking, guilty of taking pleasure in what he saw. Blushing, he focused his gaze back in the screen, his heartbeat hammering away in his ears. 

Brian could feel Freddie´s dark eyes on him, goose bumps crawling up the back of his neck as he tried to keep his cool, tried to focus on what they were watching. 

He took a sip from his cup of tea, slightly more elaborate than he would have done if it weren´t for the singer´s flickering gazes. He could feel the tension in the air, the silent invitation, the unspoken plea to look up, to gaze into the other man´s eyes. 

Christ, he had never been good at flirting. He wasn´t even good at normal every-day friendly interaction, to be honest. He just…wasn´t good at talking to people…in general. 

Brian felt a sinking feeling manifest in the pit of his stomach. He was such an idiot, such a clumsy, awkward loser. There he was, with Freddie Mercury, a charming, sweet, creative, kind and overall lovely guy who not only was very understanding of all of his quirks and flaws but also happened to have the same taste in music as him and generally was just very…

“What would you do if I kissed you, darling?”, Freddie suddenly asked and Brian´s gaze shot up as he stared at the other man. 

The singer looked at him with genuine wonder in his eyes, the question not seeming to be just hypothetical but spoken with honest intention. Brian could already feel himself blushing heavily. 

“Em…”, he stammered, swallowing thickly as panic started to creep up on him, numbing his mouth and making him unable to form a coherent sentence. Oh God, he was such a daft moron! 

Come on Brian, speak!, his brain shouted at him, but he couldn´t do much more than sit and stare, like a dumb koi fish mouthing silently at the surface of a pond. 

“Was that rude?”

The singer seemed embarrassed and Brian could make out a slight flush on his cheeks as he lowered his gaze, smiling shyly, nervously, his delicate hand covering the betraying quiver of his upper lip. 

“No…No, it´s fine…it…”, Brian managed to get out, his mouth dry and his lips clumsy. He felt the sudden urge to grab the other man´s hand, to squeeze it tightly and to tell him that yes, he would love to kiss him right then and there, he was just too stupid to say it. 

“Yes it was…”, Freddie murmured, giving Brian a slightly forced, close-lipped smile, his upper lip pulled tightly over his front teeth as he lowered his hand again. His face almost seemed like a grimace, uncomfortable and beaten down, trying to keep up the façade. “Sorry…”, he added, clearing his throat. 

“You may find that I´m not very good at reading situation s correctly sometimes…especially if I like the person I´m spending time with…I really shouldn´t have asked…I´ve obviously made you very uncomfortable, I´m sorry, Brian…I…”

“I think I´d like it if you kissed me…”, Brian said quickly, his palms growing sweaty with nervous excitement from simply thinking about it. 

Freddie gave him a shy gaze through his dark lashes, his plush lips slightly pursed as he seemed to muse over Brian´s words. 

“You´re…You´re not just saying that to make feel better, are you darling?”, he asked softly, once again pulling his lips over his front teeth in a nervous fashion. 

“No…”, Brian replied, mustering up the courage for a small, wobbly smile, “I´m saying it because I want to kiss you…”

Freddie gave a small chuckle, all dimples and sparkling dark eyes and before Brian knew it, a pair of slim hands framed his face, the soft pads of the singer´s thumbs caressing his cheeks before the singer leaned in and captured his lips in a sweet and soft kiss. 

He suddenly felt hot all over, sensations rushing over him like a massive wave. Still, he took it all in with an overwhelmed kind of joy that he hadn´t felt for weeks. His heart was racing and this, right here, right now, felt right. So right. 

A fluttering sensation started to manifest in his stomach as his eyelids slipped closed, his hands coming to a rest on the singer´s knees.   
Freddie´s lips were slightly chapped but very warm and his mouth tasted of peppermint tea and spices. Brian could feel his hot breath on his cheeks and shivered as the singer´s clever tongue licked into his mouth. 

Freddie´s thin fingers caressed along his jawline, up and down his neck, his fingers playing with Brian´s hair and each touch made his skin tingle, made him yearn and crave, wanting more, leaning in a little closer, kissing the other man a little harder. 

His unmoving hands started to feel awkward but it was only then that he noticed how he was pressing the tips of his fingers into the bony joint of Freddie´s knee, kneading and touching his incredibly skinny thigh, feeling nothing but skin and bone under the slightly lose material of the other man´s skinny jeans. 

He felt clumsy while touching Freddie like this, helplessly running his palms up and down his thighs, grabbing and fondling like an inexperienced teenage rather than a man in his 20s. 

Freddie´s hands wandered to Brian´s shoulders and then his lips suddenly kissed a warm trails toward his jawline and down to Brian´s neck, the skin feeling incredibly sensitive to the touch of the singer´s warm, wet lips and the slight tingle and scratch of the stubble on the other man´s cheeks rubbing against it. 

Brian´s leaned his head back, lips slightly parted as, in a moment of unguarded pleasure, a sound slipped from his mouth, a weak, soft moan that made him flush and stop in his tracks. He felt incredibly embarrassed and very vulnerable.

Freddie, who seemed to have sensed his sudden discomfort, leaned back a little to look up at Brian, a slight smirk on his lips. 

“Sorry…I´ve never done this before…”, Brian stammered and then noticed the subtle look of surprise on the other man´s face,”…with a guy…”, he quickly added and then saw Freddie letting out a breath he had apparently been holding. 

Now Freddie probably thought he was a blushing virgin…Great job, Brian. 

“Oh, no worries, dear! I wasn´t trying to…you know…get with you right away…”, the singer visibly blushed and for some reason, it made a sense of relief settle over Brian´s restless mind. 

“I know, I…just wanted to…say it…Just so you know…”, he murmured but he felt a smile tugging at his lips, which matched the one on Freddie´s lips. 

Carefully, Freddie took Brian´s hand into his, cradling it like an injured little bird, his warm gaze finding Brian´s skittish eyes. The curve of the singer´s smile seemed all the more beautiful to Brian.

“It´s alright, darling. No need to explain yourself, yeah?”

Brian nodded, slowly, because he couldn´t find the words to tell Freddie how much he appreciated his kind words and soothing ways. 

“Now…you wanna keep watching this?”, the singer asked with a lightness in his voice that suggested that he thought no different of Brian than before the kiss.

“Yeah…I really like it…The animation style is lovely.”, Brian replied, not really knowing if he should withdraw his hand from Freddie´s gentle hold. He certainly didn´t want to. 

“Splendid!”, Freddie said and then, with slight hesitation and a look of concentrated shyness on his features, he inched a little closer. 

“Would you mind…?”, he asked, his voice quiet but a smile tugging at his lips. One of his hand sneaked over Brian´s chest, coming to rest on the concave of his stomach. 

Brian feels heat pooling hotly under the material of his shirt, getting a waft of the other man´s flowery shampoo. 

“No, course not. C´mere…”, he murmured and then Freddie leaned his head against Brian´s shoulder and Brian put an arm around the other man. It was a little stiff at first, both of them hyper-conscious of each other´s touch, the closeness that they suddenly shared but after a little while, they started to relax, their bodies fitting together in an easy, tenseless way. 

Brian´s hand started running his fingers up and down the singer´s back. He could feel each bone of his spine under the thin cotton material of his shirt, his shoulder blades and the joints of his elbows, as he ran his fingers over the other man´s arm. 

“Am I too bony?”, Freddie murmured into Brian´s ear. “Does it feel awfully icky to you?”

“No…no, not at all…”, Brian replied in a soft voice and then carefully and very gently kissed the other man´s forehead, which made Freddie sigh ever so softly. 

They finished the movie like this, but then Brian stayed for a little while longer, as they continued to talk, murmured words in the warm, soft light of Freddie´s bedside lamp, becoming more and more entangled in each other´s embrace. 

Brian felt almost drunk on Freddie, his smell, the feel of his small, warm palms, his slim torso under Brian´s palms, his low, melodic voice in Brian´s ear, his warm breath on Brian´s neck. 

They didn´t kiss again, not even once, not even when they said their goodbyes about an hour later, when Brian noticed that he should get going if he wanted to catch the last train home.

The hug they share by the front door seemed to last a lifetime and still, it was over much too soon, interrupted so suddenly, when one of Freddie´s flatmates returned from her own date and greeted them with a quick hello, a wink and a knowing smile in Freddie´s direction. 

The arrival of the stranger made Brian shy and even more awkward and they embraced once more, before he hasted away, flustered and shaking, feeling like an idiot. 

For the duration of his walk back home, he fought the urge to text Freddie, apologizing for how awkward he had been when they had said goodbye. 

Unexpectedly, the singer was quicker than him, sending him a heartfelt and lovely text half an hour later, telling Brian how much he enjoyed the evening with him and that he would love to keep seeing him. 

A big smile started to tug on Brian´s lips as he sat down on his bed, still in his jacket and sneakers, quickly typing an answer of how much he had enjoyed Freddie´s cooking, the movie and the night in general, even being brave enough to write that he was feeling very happy that they had met. 

Brian couldn´t help himself. He had to tell Roger about his night, quickly sending him a text, to which the drummer seemed to respond within minutes, eager to hear how it had gone and pretending to be pissed when he heard that Brian still hadn´t asked Freddie about singing for the band. 

From then on, Brian and Freddie started to meet up on a regular basis. They went on a few more little coffee dates, went out second hand shopping and to the bookshop. They went on late-night and early-morning-walks together, to the museum and to the movies.

Freddie cooked a few more curries for him, they had a few more movie nights and Brian played on his guitars for the singer, which resulted in Brian hearing Freddie´s singing for the first time. If he hadn´t been so utterly and foolishly smitten with the other man already, he would have been by then. 

There was something so unique, so wonderful and appealing about the way Freddie sang, so much force and imagination hidden behind each drawn out vowel and sharp consonant.   
After their first kiss, many more followed and slowly but surely, Brian started to forget what it was like not to kiss Freddie. 

There were small pecks on the cheeks and later, on the lips, when they greeted one another, sweet, nervous kisses that came over them right in the act of watching a movie or talking, sitting on Brian´s bed or on Freddie´s favourite oriental rug, their movements careful and gentle, leaving them both chuckling and eager to plant the next kiss, but there were also those kisses that gained momentum, the ones that they shared while holding one another, their limbs entangled as they kissed with a growing heat, a growing confidence. 

Those kisses left Brian breathless, left him shivering with how intense those emotions of want could feel, when they soared through his body. Gone seemed the every-day-numbness of those previous weeks and months, replaced by the exhilarating feeling of being close to Freddie. 

They laughed a lot, slowly developed their own intricate little pattern of inside-jokes, building trust with each time they saw one another, were it for only a couple of hours, or, as it was the case more often, whole weekends. 

Brian loved falling asleep while holding Freddie in his arms in their little cocoon of safety under the duvet. There was no insomnia, there were no spiralling thoughts of negativity. The darkness of his room seemed comforting rather than intimidating and Brian felt less alone and so, so much better already. 

Without noticing, they had become comfortable enough with one another to not hide their illnesses anymore. 

“Gotta take my medication.”, Brian simply said in the morning, when the alarm he had set on his phone rang, disentangling himself from Freddie´s warm embrace. 

“Of course, darling.”, Freddie replied with an easy smile and went to make them some tea, chatting to his flatmate in the kitchen while Brian took his daily dose of anti-depressants with a glass of water that Freddie had set on the bedside table for him. 

In turn, Freddie stopped hiding his habits when it came to food. There were certain things he was comfortable with having, oatmeal and coffee in the mornings, made with water, no milk, not even plant-based, no toppings. Greens and veg of all types were fine as well, beans and chickpeas too but very little rice and no pasta. Meat was a tricky subject because Freddie seemed to like it, but with Brian being vegan, the singer rarely had any of it when he was around. 

Brian found himself subconsciously tracking what Freddie was eating, how much and how often but he tried his best to not have the other man notice him paying so much attention to his eating habits.   
Until one Thursday night when Brian had picked up a take away for them on his way back from a lecture and when he had presented Freddie with the delicious looking vegan pizza, the singer had pressed his hands in front of his face and had started sobbing quietly, like a desperate, beaten-down child who had just seen his favourite pet die right in front of his eyes. 

“Oh Fred, what is it?”, Brian said hastily, quickly crouching down in front of the chair which Freddie was sitting on, placing his arms on the singer´s bony shoulders.

“Is it something I did? I´m so sorry, Freddie…”, Brian blabbered helplessly, but when Freddie´s flushed and blotchy face resurfaced from his hands, thick, wet tears shimmering on his hollow cheeks, he saw the singer shaking his head. 

“N-no…No of course it´s nothing you d-did, Brian darling…”, Freddie hiccupped, his hands now shaking. He seemed to be in utmost distress. “You´re so…s-sweet and kind for bringing home this delicious dinner…it´s just that…”, he halted, his dark eyes flickering over to the pizza on the kitchen table, “…I can´t!”, he sobbed and then started crying again. 

“You…can´t?”, Brian asked carefully, gently running his hand over Freddie´s shaking shoulder. 

“I can´t eat this pizza! I can´t! I can´t eat it!”, the singer blubbered, his big, brown eyes looking at Brian in utter despair. 

It was then that Brian truly understood what was the matter with Freddie, couldn´t close his eyes anymore and pretend that everything was fine and well. 

With efficient quickness, he cleaned away the pizza, cutting it up and putting it in a food container, in the fridge, where he would later take it home so Freddie didn´t have to see it anymore. 

“Listen to me, alright dear?”, he said, crouching down in front of the other man´s chair again, his hands now on the singer´s bony knees. “You have to eat something for dinner, okay? What would you like?”

“I-I´m not really hungry…”, Freddie muttered but Brian shook his head and then raised his hand up to the singer´s cheek to softly stroke the tear-streaked skin. 

“Something small, yeah? Some toast maybe? With a bit of cheese on?”

“Margarine please.”, Freddie begged quietly, his front teeth nervously nibbling at his lower lip. 

Brian gave him a gentle smile and then squeezed the singer´s hand with his. 

“Alright, two slices of toast with margarine, coming right your way.”

Freddie seemed to struggle with eating even those but under Brian´s watchful gaze, he just about managed to. He was very quiet after that, seemed ashamed of what had just happened and when Brian suggested going back to his room and watching a movie, Freddie followed him silently and simply snuggled up against him while they watched another studio Gibbli film on Freddie´s laptop. 

“M´sorry…”, Freddie murmured against Brian´s cheek, his touches sweet and careful as he slowly seemed to have recovered. “M´sorry for ruining our night…”

Brian turned his head to the side to look at the other man. Freddie had trouble holding his gaze at all, his eyes insecurely flickering from Brian´s brows to his lips. 

“Don´t be…”, Brian replied softly and placed a gentle kiss onto the other man´s lips. “You didn´t…It´s okay…really, it´s alright…”

Freddie´s lower lip gave a wobble again as he looked into Brian´s eyes before he didn´t seem be able to take it anymore, hiding his face in the crook of Brian´s neck, longing for warmth, for protection.   
“Shh…shh…it´s okay…”, Brian whispered against his neck and began rocking him, gently and subtly but it seemed to work wonders, as Freddie slowly but surely started to relax in his arms. 

“Are you seeing someone about it?”, Brian asked after a little while of silence, the voices of the characters in the movie blabbering on while none of them properly listened. 

“Yeah…yeah I am…”, Freddie replied in a quiet voice, one of his fingers now gently running over the bump of Brian´s adam´s apple. 

“Good.”

Freddie raised his head and looked down at Brian. The smile he gave him was slightly wobbly, uncertainty in his dark eyes. 

“Don´t worry, alright darling? I´ve got it under control.”, the singer whispered and Brian nodded. 

“I know you do. I just want you to know that…I´m here…if you need me…”

Freddie´s smiled turned genuine, the fear disappearing from his eyes as he leaned in to kiss Brian. 

“Thank you, my darling…”, he whispered against Brian´s lips. 

On that night, they allowed their kissing and helpless groping over their clothes to progress a bit further for the first time. There was no urgency, no rush to those touches that led them to lose their clothes but oh, Freddie shivered under Brian´s gaze when he saw him naked for the first time, all sharp edges, bruised knees and hips, his body so frail, so weak and vulnerable in its shrunken state. 

His skin seemed paper thin in some places and the low light of the bedside lamp painted dark shadows under the hollows of his ribs and valley of his hipbones, the sharp lines of each joint and bone.  
Their gazes met and Freddie´s breathing halted when Brian´s started touching him, running his palms over those visible ribs, those harsh collar bones and fragile hips. 

Freddie reached down between their bodies and when he started touching Brian, when Brian started touching him, they began to forget, forget that they were scared, so utterly and deeply scared, forget that there was so much darkness and so much pain and that sometimes, they felt so helpless. 

Afterwards, they lay together, sleepy and pleased, Brian´s fingers running gently through Freddie´s chesthair, Freddie´s hand on Brian´s cheek as he stroked the slightly damp skin. 

“I´d like you to meet someone.”, Brian said softly and Freddie raised an eyebrow at him. 

“Oh? Do I have to take off my nail polish then? Because if it´s your Mum then I think it would be better if I took off my…”, he blabbered, but Brian cut him off with a small chuckle and a quick peck on the lips. 

“It´s not my Mum, Fred.” 

“Good.”, Freddie grinned and leaned his cheek against Brian´s shoulder, pressing a small kiss toward the pale, smooth skin close to his armpit. 

“It´s my best friend, Roger.”


	5. Can You Feel My Heart? / Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello darlings, 
> 
> there you have it, part two! In this one, we´re going to get even more into the nitty gritty stuff. I must say, writing this was hard and it hurt, but in all the right places. So I´m hoping that you´ll like how I´ve brought this story to a close.  
> Enjoy and don´t forget to tell me what you thought of it in the comments!

Roger ended up loving Freddie, the two of them getting along the second Roger shot him one of his charming little grins as they shook hands at a pub on that Friday night. 

Brian caught himself smiling like a proud mother as he watched them, sipping their pints and Freddie even eating a few chips as he chatted away with Roger about their favourite bands and later on, Brian´s endless guitar solos and Roger´s plans to make it big in the music business. 

Roger told them about a place in Brixton, where they could rent a rehearsal room for a few hours to play around a bit and Freddie smiled one of his big toothy smiles, his hands jittery with excitement and his eyes sparkling. Brian knew that he was hooked. 

They actually went through with it, even though Brian really had to have quite the hard think about his expenses and how to keep the rent paid but he knew that it´s the same for Freddie and Roger and in the end, it doesn´t matter anymore because as soon as they´ve got the room, as soon as they started playing, everything just fell into place. 

They make it a little habit, from then on, since they´ve got the room for eight weeks and the drum kit provided there was actually decent, Roger claimed. So they rehearsed, two times a week. 

Adding those hours of rehearsal to his schedule, Brian found himself being increasingly busy during the week. He didn´t want to compromise on his rigorous regime of studying and with making time for Freddie and Roger, it was only two days before his medication had run out that he had noticed it. 

He made a note to call his therapist right the next day, but then Freddie staid over once again, which led to the two of them sleeping through Brian´s alarms and then not caring about them, because Freddie had decided to wake him up with a heavenly slow blowjob that wiped Brian´s brain clean of every negative thought for the morning. 

The next day, Brian had to rush his work to get done with his two assignments that were due the next day and the day after that they had rehearsals and afterwards, they went to the pub. Then, the next day, it was Friday and that meant he would be staying at Freddie´s and then on the next Monday, he was late for his lectures already and forgot to call entirely. 

Two weeks passed in that fashion and Brian ran out his medication. 

On the first week without it, he still felt absolutely fine, if so, a little better even. February was slowly coming to an end and the days were getting longer. There was the sweet, promising smell of spring in the air and in the evenings, Freddie and him went on lovely walks in the park, timidly holding hands and picking each other up after lectures or seminars to go on little evening dates. 

Freddie´s eating had gotten a little better and even though he was still overly conscious of the things he consumed, Brian could even persuade him to share a vegan brownie every now and then.  
Week two went by and Brian was still feeling quite alright. 

They went to support group a few more times and Brian found himself able to actually chat to people, to make small talk, finding out, that yes, he wasn´t alone with all of his problems and no, he wasn´t a tremendous idiot who wasn´t even worth the air he breathed and made up all of his problems in his head, other people also suffered from things like shyness and the odd flare of anxiety. It was nothing to be ashamed of. 

Maybe, he was normal after all. Maybe the solution to all of his problems was finally opening up, finding a special someone who he could cherish and care for, finding Freddie.  
It was in week three that things slowly started to trickle downhill. 

Brian woke up one morning and when he opened his eyes, he could feel it. 

Instantly.

It was back. 

The heaviness. The feeling of impending dread. The fog that filled his mind, thick, like smoke and dark, ghostly, frightening. 

Brian tried to push it away, tried to simply carry on while shoving this feeling into the farthest corner of his mind, ignoring it like a stubborn child would ignore a mountain of homework as it piled on and on. 

He felt more tired throughout the days, became more quiet and withdrawn from everything that was going on around him. Exams were fast approaching and he needed to get a good start with studying but when he did go to the library, he felt like it burned him out beyond measure, leaving him absolutely exhausted. 

On the nights when he saw Freddie, he found himself craving intimacy, just something to make him feel good, make him feel alive, something to distract him from the numbness. Of course, Freddie was all too happy to engage in those heated kisses and hasty handjobs, in allowing Brian to slide down his body with warm, hungry lips to taste his cock and letting him hump his leg like a horny, tactless teenager even though they had previously just been cuddling, the mood relaxed and tender. 

“You can fuck me…if you want to…”, Freddie panted against Brian´s lips on one night when they were naked under the covers again and Brian was rutting against his bottom from the back, clutching his skinny torso in a tight hold, lost in his own head and the breathless aim to get off just one more time simply to forget. 

Those words had stopped Brian in his tracks, washing over him with cold dread before a wave of shame hit him. Sweaty and embarrassed, he felt his boner go down instantly as Freddie turned around in his arms, his smile painted with insecurity and the dread, that he had somehow offended Brian. 

It was then that Brian finally noticed what he had been doing. This was not how he wanted the first time they slept with one another to go. Not at all. 

“Freddie…listen…”, he murmured, which seemed to persuade the singer even further that Brian needed nothing more than a bit of encouragement. 

“I-I know you´ve never done it with a guy and you probably think that it´s gonna be this huge hassle but I´m good at this.”, to Brian´s horror, Freddie smiled at him like a seductive actress in a film, “Let me take care of you, dear, I´ll make it really fun for you, I´ll…”

“No…”, he hissed, panic rising in his chest and making him speak much harsher than he had planned. 

A flash of pain surged over the singer´s features, the sting of rejection obvious in a slight tremor in the left corner of his mouth. He was hurt. 

Brian realised that he had to quickly switch to damage control to make the other man understand why he had declined his offer. 

“Freddie, no I…It´s not right…I´m not…”, Brian stammered and then placed a gentle hand on his cheek, looking deep into his beautiful eyes, “I´m not in the right mindset…to do this…”, he softly stroked Freddie´s cheek with his fingers, “You deserve better. Better than this…better than me…right now…”

Gently, the singer shook his head and smiled at him, a smile full of sweetness, full of understanding adoration and Brian´s heart did a little flutter as warmth spread around the previously aching cavity of his chest. 

“I don´t want better…”, Freddie whispered, taking Brian´s hand from his cheek and guiding his finger´s towards his lips to gently kiss Brian´s knuckles, “I want you…Just you. Right now, and on any other day.”

Brian felt a tremor travelling up his spine, a violent shiver that brought along a quick inhale of breath and as Freddie noticed this, he took him into his arms, Brian´s head coming to a rest on the singer´s bare chest. 

For the first time in two weeks, Brian allowed himself to feel, allowed himself to come to the realisation that no, he wasn´t okay. He didn´t cry, didn´t say a way but Freddie didn´t seem to mind. 

He held Brian tightly all through the night and in the morning, he made him vegan pancakes in his tiny, cluttered kitchen and topped them off with freshly cut strawberries in the shape of a heart, which made everything feel a little less shit. 

Still, as Brian went home at around midday, he couldn´t help but feel ashamed of himself, with his weakness, his moodswings, his tiredness. Was he still the guy Freddie had met at support group six weeks ago, the one he had started dating at the beginning of February? Because Brian didn´t feel much like that guy anymore. 

He had a crap ton of uni work to do and with lectures and seminars, it was only three days later that Brian noticed how he had only answered Freddie´s texts about twice a day, his replies all over the place and cryptic and Freddie´s messages getting increasingly worried. 

The next day, Freddie called him in the afternoon and asked him if he wanted to hang out. Brian could hear the worry vibrating in each word that he spoke, even though he tried to be casual, tried to sound normal. 

Brian declined, claiming to be tired and to feel a little under the weather and of course, Freddie was sweet and understanding, telling Brian to call or to message him if he needed anything. 

In the next two days, Brian texted him back only once and he hated himself for it. He felt like he was on auto-pilot, stumbling around his small dorm room, barely eating, hardly ever sleeping and studying before he later slept for 12 hours straight. 

He had his first exam in just three days and was far from prepared, in his opinion at least, spending hours upon hours at his desk. 

Freddie called him once, twice, three times in the evening and then on the following morning again, but Brian simply couldn´t make himself pick up until on the day before his exam, there was knock on the door of his tiny dorm apartment. 

“Hello darling!”, Freddie said, standing in front of Brian in his favourite fur winter coat, a bag of groceries in one hand, a small bouquet of yellow tulips pocking out of the brown paper bag, a carton of Brian´s favourite vegan pizza place in the other and a slightly worried smile on his face. 

“Hey…Freddie…”, Brian managed to croak, only now realising that he had been wearing the same ratty grey t-shirt and joggers for three days and had neither showered, nor brushed his hair in that timespan. 

“Thought I´d pop over, bring you a few bits and bots for your study marathon.”, Freddie said and hearing those kind and caring words, Brian could already feel his lower lip start wobbling, his throat growing tight as he blinked against the sudden itchiness in his eyes as his vision blurred. 

“Thank you…that´s so nice of you, Freddie, that´s so…”, his voice broke, “…so nice…”, a sob escaped his lips, violent and embarrassingly loud in the deathly quiet of the echoing hallway of the dorms, “Sorry…”, Brian blubbered, wetness running down his cheeks, desperately trying to keep the sob in, his body shaking, but Freddie had already noticed what was going on.

“Oh Brian…oh my darling…”, he said with such warmth, such kindness in his voice, that Brian couldn´t hold it in anymore, letting himself be steered back inside the flat by Freddie, who put down his paper bag and pizza carton, closing the door behind them and taking Brian into his arms.

“Shhh, shhh, it´s okay…come here…”, he whispered into Brian´s ear as he held him tightly and Brian sobbed like a child, shivering and weak in the singer´s arms, his wet face hidden in his fur coat, his hands clinging to Freddie´s lapels, “It´s okay…it´s all going to be okay, my sweetheart…”, Freddie murmured, soothingly stroking Brian´s back, his lips pressed against his temple. 

“I-I´m sorry I didn´t get back to your messages and calls…”, Brian hiccupped, his nose running and his eyes burning with the tears and the lack of sleep, “I didn´t mean to ignore you or ghost you…I was just…”

Freddie gave him a tender and sweet smile, as he placed his hand onto Brian´s cheeks, wiping the tears from the moist, burning skin with the soothing pad of his thumb.

“That´s alright, my dear, don´t even worry about it for one second, hmm? It´s all okay now.”, Freddie kissed his cheek again and then lingered close, “I sensed that something was going on…but I didn´t want to smother you. Now I´m glad that I came…”

“I´m glad that you´re here, Freddie…Really I…I´m so happy to see you…”, Brian replied, leaning his cheek against Freddie´s and then added, half smiling weakly, half chuckling, “I´m sorry, I probably smell…”

Freddie chuckled softly and kissed him again, a quick peck on the lips this time.

“No, you don´t, love. Besides, I wouldn´t mind…”, he held Brian´s face in his hands again “I´m just glad to see you…”

Under no other circumstanced had Brian allowed this, but he was simply too tired to keep on struggling, to keep on pretending that he was fine and so he let Freddie take care of him. 

Together, they cleaned and tidied up his tiny apartment. Freddie helped him with his laundry, watered his plants, hoovered the room and sorted Brian´s studying materials into neat piles, which helped tremendously with the state of his cluttered desk. 

He even found a vase for the tulips, which he put on Brian´s windowsill, where they looked very pretty. 

While Brian had a shower, Freddie tidied away the groceries and heated up the pizza, watchfully seeing to him eating at least five slices of it, before he decided that Brian was sufficiently nourished for now. 

He allowed him to study for two more hours, before he noticed how droopy the guitarist´s eyes had gotten and then wordlessly guided him away from the desk and over to the bed, where Brian had what felt like the best nap of his entire life, simply because his head laid on Freddie´s chest the entire time and the singer was running his hands through his hair, soothing him back to sleep whenever Brian so much as stirred. 

They went on a walk after that, a long one along the Thames and then Freddie treated Brian to vegan Thai food for dinner. Freddie stayed over for the night, which helped tremendously with Brian´s exam nerves, keeping the dark thoughts away with his mere presence. 

On the next morning, he even walked Brian to Uni, soothing him with quiet chatter about the spring weather and the birdsong in the air. 

“Good luck, my darling.”, Freddie said as they stood in front of the lecture hall in the midst of the noisy crowd of students. The singer grabbed his hands and then rose up to his tip-toes to press a tender kiss onto Brian´s lips. “Although…you won´t need much luck. You´re very well prepared. Nothing can go wrong. You´ll be fine.”

Brian had felt himself blushing, waving to Freddie as he walked away. 

“Aww, that was so cute.”, Hannah, one of Brian´s friends, said and nudged him in the side, “Didn´t know you had a boyfriend, Bri.”

Brian couldn´t help but ask himself if maybe, Freddie was his boyfriend, because they sure did a lot of things that couples did, but then the time for his exam came and he had to push all thoughts of Freddie and his sweet kiss aside. 

When he walked out of the exam hall three hours later, he felt much lighter. It had gone well and he was quite relieved. Three more exams to go but at least the first one had been alright. 

On his phone, he found a text message from Freddie, asking him how it had gone and inviting him over to his place, where, after Brian´s short travel on the Tube, Freddie awaited him with his favourite vegan brownies and tea. 

The afternoon went on by in a relaxed fashion as they sat in the kitchen, having tea and brownies with Freddie´s flatmates, which both seemed to like Brian or at least, approve of him, as they seemed quite protective of their flatmate. 

Freddie and him went back to his room at about 4 pm and Brian expected another movie, maybe even a bit of snogging, but Freddie sat him down on the bed and took Brian´s phone out of his bag to hand it to him. 

“Got your therapist´s number at hand?”, he asked in a kind but unyielding tone of voice. 

“Yeah, got it saved in my contacts.”, Brian replied, nervously turning the phone around in his hands. 

“Good. Give him a call, Bri.”

Brian felt an uneasy feeling rise in the pit of his stomach. He hated phonecalls and the last thing he wanted right now is call his therapist, who surely would not be very pleased with the fact that Brian had stopped taking his medication. 

“Darling, please.”, Freddie said softly, grabbing his free hand and squeezing it, “I know something isn´t right. You´re not taking your medication, you need to sort this out. Please…please do, Brian dear.”

Brian was lucky. A week later, he had gotten another appointment with Dr. Elrich, who quickly prescribed him his medication and set him up for weekly sessions as Brian told him about his symptoms. 

Begrudgingly, Brian had to admit to himself that he could feel a change in his mood, even a few days after he had started to take his medication again. Everything seemed lighter, easier, less tiring. 

Him and Freddie seemed to have reached a new step in what slowly started to feel like an actual relationship as they spent more and more time with each other. When they weren´t at band rehearsals with Roger, they hung out together. 

Brian felt incredibly comfortable around Freddie, safe and accepted, like he could simply be himself. Freddie let him study without calling Brian a nerd, listened to him, cared for him, was there for him. And in turn, he was there for Freddie. 

They slept with each other for the first time on the morning after Brian´s last exam, having had a lovely and cosy lie in, things progressing naturally from stroking, gently pushing aside the fabrics of clothes and kissing naked skin. 

Freddie gave it his best shot at keeping Brian hard but with his new medication, it´s was a bit of a struggle, especially because Brian was so embarrassed about it and said sorry about a million times. 

“It´s not because of you…I swear I really, really want to do this right now…”, he stammered in between their kisses, but Freddie handled his embarrassment with an easy smile and patient touches, slowly taking the pressure off. 

Freddie using his mouth on him finally did the charm, but then it brought Brian dangerously close to climaxing after just a few minutes of those wicked little licks of Freddie´s skilled tongue and his plush, warm lips.

“Freddie…Freddie, stop, I´m going to…”, Brian hissed, hastily tapping the singer´s shoulder and Freddie resurfaced with a sweet smile on his reddened lips and a mischievous twinkle in his eyes, visibly pleased with his work.

The singer was quick and efficient with opening himself up for Brian, using his fingers and some lube, but then they got to the incredibly awkward part that was finding a position which doesn´t make their bones crash against each other in a painful way. 

It was quite the struggle and they both sweated and groaned and Brian felt sticky and a bit ugly and very awkward until suddenly, Freddie and him were both laying on their sides, one of Freddie´s legs slightly raised and Brian´s breath warm on the singer´s neck and then he just pushed in bit by bit and God, it was heaven. 

Freddie grabbed his hand tightly, moaning softly with each long, slow thrust Brian´s hips made, his lashes fluttering as they both clung to each other, falling into a slow, but intense rhythm. 

The singer had a way of guiding him, of showing him what felt good, where he wanted to be touched, grabbed, licked and Brian obliged all to happily, eager to learn, to please. 

Brian lost count of time as they drifted through the fog of pleasure but when his hips sped up once more, Freddie shivered in his arms, his cock leaking more precum into Brian´s palm while he jerked him off in time with his thrusts. 

“Keep going…please darling, I´m close…”, Freddie whispered hotly, his eyes closed, a flush spreading from his chest up to his sinewy neck and Brian did, allowed himself to get a bit lost in the hasty motion of thrusting, of moving this body, which he had previously believed to be incapable of such emotions. 

His orgasm felt like dying just a little bit, mostly because Freddie came only seconds after and this, feeling, the tight clutch of his body, tasting his sweat and feeling his warm, moist skin against his own, was almost too much for Brian. 

A laugh bubbled up from within his chest. Yes, it had never been like this when he had slept with Chrissie, most definitely not. 

They were sticky and sweaty afterwards, but for a little while, they were too tired to get up and shower, mostly because the bathroom situation was a little awkward in Brian´s dorm, so they stayed in bed for a little longer, holding each other and talking quietly. 

Freddie smiled up at him, his eyes shimmering with happiness and Brian thought that never before had he been so utterly in love with a person. He was scared that he might blurt out something silly and sappy and so he just placed tickling kisses against Freddie´s shoulder and up the soft, slightly moist skin of his inner arm, which makes Freddie chuckle like a little boy. 

The state of bliss that seemed to have come over them lasted for days. Brian was finally free of his exams and a few days later, Freddie turned in his final project of the semester as well, which left them with a significantly bigger portion of free time. 

They hung out with Roger a lot, who got on just fabulously with Freddie, as the two of them shared the same sense of humour and like for silly jokes and pranks. With each afternoon spent rehearsing, they began to sound better. 

“We still need a bassist though.”, Roger said one afternoon, catching the look of furrowed brows Brian gave him, “Sorry, Bri. One guitar just isn´t enough.”

They even went out a few times, with Freddie´s roommates and Brian´s friends from Uni, the nights ending with Freddie and Brian tumbling into bed at half four, incredibly drunk and horny, pissing off the neighbours for another hour with the annoying squeaking sound of Brian´s bedframe and Freddie´s lovely, slightly high-pitched drunk moaning, which was amusing and incredibly hot to Brian at the same time. 

“No one´s ever fucked me like you do.”, Freddie said on one night, as they laid in Brian´s bed, both of them naked and drowsy with tipsiness and the haze that came after a good shag. 

Freddie laid half sprawled over Brian, his hair a flowing cascade of black waves as his cheek rested on Brian´s chest, his finger´s tracing lines from one mole to another on Brian´s skin. 

“That´s because we don´t fuck, Freddie.”, Brian replied, his voice soft, timid almost but his smile genuine. 

The singer chuckled fondly, raising one of his brows as he pressed a sweet little kiss to Brian´s breastbone. 

“No? And what do you think we´re doing, darling?”, he asked and then added, in a mock-whisper, “Making love?”

There was a certain kind of tease to his words but Brian couldn´t help but blush, scrambling for the right thing to say, for something that would not lay his emotions so bare, a small but still transparent shield to keep him from being so vulnerable as to admit that he had fallen in love with the other man. 

“Well em…I wouldn´t have…put it that way maybe…but…”, he stammered and Freddie smiled at him, a big, knowing smile, gently running his thumb across Brian´s lowest rib, a tender caress on his skin.  
“You´re incredibly adorable, do you know that, Brian darling?”, he whispered and Brian felt himself blushing even harder. 

“I mostly feel awkward, but thank you…”, he stammered, which caused a look of slight concern to appear in the other man´s eyes, even though the smile didn´t vanish from his lips. 

“You feel awkward around me?”, he asked softly.

“No…No, I feel awkward around…around myself, I guess.”, Brian stammered, laughing nervously, his hands feeling slightly sweaty. 

Freddie made a soft tutting sound and then he stroked Brian´s cheek with his pointer finger. 

“Oh darling…I wish you could see how lovely you are…”, he murmured, his face showing sympathy and the sweetest adoration for Brian, which made the guitarist´s heart clench. 

“You make me feel really good, Freddie. I´m comfortable around you…I feel like there´s nothing I need to be embarrassed of.”, Brian whispered and Freddie smiled at him, taking both of Brian´s hands into his.

“I like you too, Brian dear. I like you a lot…”, he halted, lowering his gaze, his lashes fluttering as he seemed undecided for a second, “Actually…no…to hell with playing it safe…I…”, he stammered, his eyes fixed on Brian´s but the guitarist was a little quicker to speak. 

“I´m in love with you…”, Brian said, smiling so hard that it hurt his cheeks, his heartbeat hammering in his chest and Freddie laughed, a soft, melodic sound full of relief.

“Hey, that´s what I was going to say, darling.”, he replied, the faintest tease in his voice, the tip of his nose touching Brian´s in eager, almost childlike fondness. 

“Well, I said it first now.”, Brain said with a chuckle and kissed the other man, feeling him giggle into the contact of their lips.

“Yes you did…but it´s true. I am in love with you.”, the singer finally whispered, interlacing their fingers. 

“And I with you, Freddie…”

Even though everything seemed blissful and happy in the following two weeks, in hindsight, Brian blamed himself for not seeing the disaster coming sooner. 

Something about Freddie had changed. 

Even though they were closer than ever, Brian felt like the singer seemed to constantly be on edge around him, almost as if he was in an ongoing state of worry.  
Freddie watched him like a hawk, to make sure that Brian took his meds. Whenever Brian seemed a little more quiet, maybe because they had been out all day and he was getting tired, Freddie seemed almost alarmed. 

It wasn´t so much that Brian was annoyed by this slight case of mother henning. To be honest, he enjoyed how much Freddie cared about him and how much time they were spending, how he could trust the other man, tell him how he was really feeling on every single day. 

It was more so the fact that Brian worried that with all the caring for him, Freddie was forgetting about his own needs, almost using it as an excuse to annul his own hunger or tiredness. 

Brian couldn´t push it aside any longer. Freddie had lost weight in those past weeks, enough for Brian to get significantly worried. The singer was deeply rooted in his refusal to eat anything but his so called “safety foods” and even of those he ate very little. 

“Love…”, Brian said softly on one morning as they laid in his bed, both of them naked under the covers, Brian´s hand resting on the sharp bone of Freddie´s incredibly narrow hips. “Please don´t take this the wrong way but…you really should try and eat a little more.”

He heard a sigh from Freddie, a hint of annoyed tiredness in the breathy sound. Although they had never spoken about it so directly, Brian felt like they had had this conversation a few times before.

Carefully, he placed a hand onto Freddie´s cheek, who looked up at him, a slightly stubborn expression on his face, his dark eyes twinkling with resistance. 

“I know you don´t like hearing it…But it´s important that you keep your body nourished…”, Brian added, his gaze not leaving the other man´s features.

“I know…I know, Brian…”, Freddie murmured, now reluctant to meet Brian´s eye. 

“When´s your next appointment with your therapist? Should be soon-ish, right?”, Brian asked, „Maybe you could…”

“Need to find a new one…”, Freddie grumbled, turning away from Brian´s gentle touch and sitting up in bed. 

“A new one?”, the guitarist asked, a hint of confusion in his voice. He didn´t understand. Hadn´t Freddie gone to therapy once every two weeks on Tuesdays? Hadn´t he been to see this therapist for an hour, always returning in a slightly more stable and relaxed mood, which had assured Brian that the singer, in fact, was getting a little better?

“Yeah, the old one was shit.”, Freddie said sharply. 

“Was? Aren´t you seeing them anymore.”, Brian asked, trying but failing to keep his voice calm, to keep his mind from doing summersaults with anxious thoughts.

The singer didn´t answer him. He had his back turned towards Brian, swinging his skinny legs out of bed, hastily searching for last night´s clothes that lay strewn on the worn carpet. 

“Freddie?”, Brian asked again, as it seemed that the other man was completely ignoring him. 

Brian could see the singer´s fingers shaking, his hands seeming too weak to even pull up the material of his underwear properly. Now, that Freddie had his back turned towards him, Brian spotted new bruises on his skin, tell-tale marks on his back, that told Brian that Freddie was once again exercising excessively, doing sit-ups until he couldn´t move anymore. 

“I´m going to find a new one, okay? She wasn´t very good, she just kept on nagging me to eat, it was pointless and…”, Freddie hissed, his hands raised up in frustration, his head turned over to look at Brian, who had sat up in bed as well. 

“Well, she was right! You need to eat, Freddie!”, Brian interrupted him in a voice that sounded much harsher than he had intended. 

Freddie just sighed, shaking his head of messy hair. He suddenly seamed so withdrawn, so eager to get away to escape Brian´s nagging questions. 

“Yes, I know that, Brian. Thank you very much, darling.”, he murmured in a bitter tone of voice, but Brian was not ready to let things slide. 

“So when you said you´re going to an appointment with your therapist in the last weeks, you didn´t actually go?”, he asked, his voice shaking with how much it stung to know that Freddie had lied to him, how grossly he had misjudged the situation the other man was in. 

How could he have been so blind not to notice, what Freddie was doing to himself? 

The singer didn´t answer, simply fishing around on the ground for his socks, the state of his malnourished body suddenly so shockingly evident in the pale morning light coming in through the window. He was skeletal and so incredibly weak. Brian felt like slapping himself. How had it come to this? How hadn´t he noticed this, this gradual spiral towards rock-bottom?!

“Freddie, I am talking to you! Could you please answer my question?”, he asked, his voice shaking with panic and the singer suddenly turned around towards him, his slim face twisted in anger. 

“No! No, I didn´t go, alright? Are you happy now, Brian?!”, he shouted, his chest heaving with how hard he was breathing. 

“No! No, I´m not happy, Freddie!”, Brian replied, his firsts clenched, “What did you do instead?”

Freddie just scoffed, shaking his head. He was now looking for his jeans. 

“S´none of your business.”, he murmured. 

“Yes it is! Because I don’t want you to go out, hurting yourself by starving yourself and over-exercising!”, Brian shouted at him, which made the singer flinch. Brian´s loud voice seemed to have frightened him, as he was clutching his rumpled jeans against his chest like a small child seeking comfort in a blanket. 

“I´m just doing a few sit-ups now and then!”, Freddie tried to argue, but Brian would have none of it. 

“Your lower back is covered in bruises, Freddie! I can barely touch you, without causing you pain!”, he replied, one of his hands ghosting over the singer´s lower back, where the skin under the black peach fuzz was covered in old and new bruises, yellow and purple and blue. 

“Oh, so that´s what this is about, isn´t it?!”, Freddie suddenly growled, but Brian could hear the tears tightening his throat, shameful tears of deep hurt that he couldn´t hold in any longer. 

“Freddie, what the hell are you on about?”, Brian asked, trying to place a hand on the singer´s shoulder, but Freddie flinched away from him. 

“You don´t want me anymore! Is that it?! You´re repulsed by me! You don´t want to touch me anymore!”, he whimpered, a wounded, vulnerable sound and Brian felt his heart breaking with a sharp, clean cut. 

Oh god, how could Freddie ever believe that…?

“Freddie…no…”, he murmured softly, inching closer, but the singer would hear none of it. 

“I knew this would happen…I knew it…” , Freddie whispered, a lonely tear running down his heated cheek, his dark hair sticking to his forehead.

“Freddie!”, Brian said, placing a hand on the back of Freddie´s neck and the other on his shoulder.

“I know I´m repulsive…I know I´m not who I was when we met.”, the singer sobbed and Brian couldn´t hear those words anymore, pulling him closer, holding him against his chest. 

“Freddie, listen to me!”, he pleaded and the singer looked up at him with huge dark eyes, full of fear and pain, “You´re beautiful to me! I found you beautiful from the moment we´ve met and I will never stop finding you absolutely stunning, do you hear me?”

Freddie´s lower lip wobbled once again, his lashes fluttering as fresh tears feel from his eyes. 

“And I want you…Freddie, I want you so much. Before I met you, I didn´t even know what it was like to truly want someone…”, Brian leaned in a little more, pressing a sweet kiss to the other man´s chapped and trembling lips, “But what I also want, what I want most in the world for you, is to be healthy…and happy. Do you hear me, my sweet?”

“Yes…”, Freddie whispered, his gaze still on Brian´s hazel eyes. 

“I want you to be confident and nourished and at ease. And you´re not, Freddie. Because you´re starving yourself. You need to eat, to be all of those things.”, Brian continued and Freddie sniffled, nodding his head. 

“Yes…yes, I know, darling…”, he murmured and Brian pulled him closer, Freddie´s heard coming to a rest against his collarbone as he held the singer´s skinny frame, his body so small, so fragile in Brian´s lap as he rocked him soothingly. 

“Freddie, I want to help you. But you have to let me…You have to let me in…”, he leaned his cheek against the crown of Freddie´s head, kissing the thick, black hair, “Please…please let me in, baby…”

Brian could feel the singer clinging to him even tighter, pressing his tear-streaked cheek against his shoulder.

“I´m scared, Brian…”, he murmured, his voice so small, so fragile. 

“Don´t be, Freddie. I´m here. I´m here with you…”, Brian replied, holding him tightly and securely in his arms. 

In the following days, Brian kept a close eye on Freddie. He made sure that Freddie ate, cooked him meals, went out on walks with him, kept him company, when he felt like Freddie was getting a bit more quiet.

Still, making sure that the other man ate enough, didn´t do any of his usual exercises and instead had some fresh air every day and slept enough, Brian saw Freddie´s mood and overall state improving a little. 

They went to rehearsal twice, where Roger brought up the idea of looking for a bassist, which seemed to excite Freddie quite a bit. “It´s coming together nicely, darlings. We´ll be a proper band.”, he said with glint in his eyes and Roger seemed chuffed. 

Two days later, Freddie had taken Brian to an Asia shop quite close to his flat. They were on the hunt for some tofu, as Freddie had offered to cook for Roger and Brian tonight. Brian had gotten slightly distracted by the selection of green tea and then he noticed, that he had lost Freddie somewhere around the shop. 

He was aimlessly strolling around the isles, looking at tapioca pearls and rice biscuits and suddenly, he saw one of the cashiers quickly walking behind a shelve not far from him, his movements hasty, a worried look on his face. 

“Hello? Mate, are you alright?”, the young man asked and Brian felt the hairs on the back of his neck raise up.

“The poor darling just fell unconscious, nearly split his head open on the ground.”, the voice of an elderly woman said and suddenly, Brian felt panic rising in the pit of his stomach as he rounded the shelf.

Freddie was laying on the ground, lifeless and still, around him pile of zucchinis which had fallen out of their basked. His head was resting on the thigh of a woman in her 70s, which gently stroked his cheek, a worried look on her face. 

“Freddie? Oh God, Fred…”, Brian gasped as he rushed closer, crouching down in front of the singer. Brian´s hands grabbed Freddie´s fingers, which felt cold and clammy. He still didn´t move. 

“Should I…call an ambulance?”, the cashier asked hesitantly. He was around Brian´s age and didn´t really seem to know what to do. 

“Yes! Yes please, tell them to come quickly.”, Brian replied, his voice unsteady with panic. 

“He´s so awfully skinny, the poor sweetheart.”, the woman commented, genuine worry on her weathered features, “Is he sick, darling?”

“Yes…yes, he is…”, Brian stuttered and suddenly, he noticed that he was crying, shaking with fear and agitation, clutching Freddie´s hands and feeling like a helpless idiot. 

“Oh dear, I´m so sorry…so sorry!”, the elderly woman said and squeezed Brian´s hand, but her kind blue eyes said more than any words could have. “He´s lucky to have such a caring friend who looks out for him like you do.”

“Boyfriend…”, Brian said quietly, “I´m his boyfriend…”

The woman smiled at him softly, her eyes crinkling at the corners. 

“Oh, even better then! How wonderful! You two make a lovely couple, I must say.”

“T-thank you…”, Brian sniffled.

“I´m Susan, by the way.”, the elderly woman told him. 

Thirty minutes later, Freddie was in the ambulance and on his way to the nearest hospital. He had been drifting in and out of consciousness, too weak to stay awake for more than a few seconds. Susan ended up taking Brian to the hospital in her car, as he wasn´t allowed to drive in the ambulance. 

“Good luck, love.”, she said to him as she dropped him off, “Please, feel free to call any time.”, she added, as she had given Brian her phone number and some tissues to dry his tears. 

It didn´t take long for Brian to find Freddie, even though the hospital was filled to the brim and everything seemed slightly chaotic. A very stressed but kind nurse had told Brian Freddie´s room number and ten minutes later, Brian had found him, small and pale in his bed in a room with three other beds, who, thankfully, were empty.

“Brian!”, Freddie said and a tired smile lit up his pale face as he saw the guitarist walking towards him. Brian sat down at the edge of the bed, tightly grabbing Freddie´s hands in his. 

“Freddie…Oh sweetheart, I was so worried about you…”, Brian stammered, his hands shaking, his throat getting tight again. 

“I´m sorry…I´m sorry, Bri…I…”, Freddie said quietly. It was only now that Brian saw the IV in his arm and the big, purpling bruise on his forehead. Quickly, he shook his head to keep the other man from worrying too much. 

“Shh, shh, it´s okay, don´t get upset…”, he said and kissed the back of the singer´s hand, “What happened, love? Do you remember?”, he asked carefully, inching a little closer, “One second you were on the hunt for tofu and next thing I saw you were lying on the floor, unconscious…”

He shivered at the memory of it. Freddie blinked at him slowly, obviously struggling to remember the events of the afternoon. 

“I…I just remember feeling so tired all of a sudden, like I really needed to have a seat…and then I got really dizzy and light-headed and…I…I don´t know I must have…”, he stammered, his eyes blood-shot and dark as he shivered slightly. 

“What did the doctors say? Did they do a check-up yet?”, Brian asked softly, but Freddie shook his head.

“No…the nurses just gave me this…for some fluids…”, he nodded towards the IV in his arm, mustering up a pitiful smile, “It hurt like a bitch…”

“My poor darling…”, Brian replied and pressed a sweet kiss to the other man´s clammy cheek. 

Suddenly, a smile bloomed on Freddie´s pale features as he looked into Brian´s eyes. 

“You said you´re my boyfriend…”, the singer murmured, leaning his cheek against Brian´s hand, “…back at the shop when I was laying on the ground…”

Brian couldn´t help but smile as well, even blushing slightly as for a second, he forgot all of the worries he had previously had. 

“Yes…”, he replied softly, his thumb stroking Freddie´s cheek. 

“I loved hearing you say it.”, the singer replied with a sweet little giggle and Brian raised his eyebrows at him.

“I thought you were unconscious!”, he said, slightly baffled and Freddie chuckled quietly. 

“I was…most of the time…”, the singer admitted with a shy smile and then added, a little more quietly, “So are you?”

“Am I?”, Brian asked, a smile lingering on his lips, but Freddie seemed to misunderstand his slight teasing. 

“Maybe that´s a silly question, we´ve barely known each other for two months and…”, he stammered and Brian gently stroked his cheek, his touch tender and careful as he looked into Freddie eyes. 

“I would really, really love to be your boyfriend, Freddie. Would you like to be mine? My boyfriend?”, he asked softly and the smile that appeared on the other man´s features seemed to chase away all signs of fatigue and pain. 

“Yes…”, the singer sighed and kissed Brian sweetly. 

“Excuse me! Miss, excuse me!”

The nurse looked up at Brian in a mildly annoyed way. She seemed just as tired as Brian himself was and was obviously not very pleased to be interrupted in her work of sorting through files on a little cart out in the hallway. 

“I´m sorry to bother you…I-I was just wondering if you could…tell me anything on how Mr. Freddie Bulsara is doing? He´s just been for a check-up for an hour and now he´s asleep and I don´t want to wake him up to ask how it´s been.”, Brian asked politely. 

For the last sixty minutes, he had been sitting out in a waiting room at the end of the hallway, nervous and worried, trying to focus on replying to Roger´s text messages, explaining to him what had happened. 

When they had rolled Freddie´s bed back into the room, he had been fast asleep and none of the doctors had paid Brian much mind, as they had rushed off to the next patient.  
The nurse sighed, quickly looking through the clipboards and the documents on her cart. 

“Bulsara…”, she murmured, when she had found the correct file, “We´ve only got a Farrokh Bulsara.”

“Oh yeah, that´s him. He´s my boyfriend. I was the one who was with him when he fainted.”, Brian explained quickly. 

“I´m not supposed to tell you anything. You´re not family and you´re not a spouse…”, the nurse said. She was around the age of Brian´s mum but that was about the only thing she had in common with his mother. Brian´s presence really seemed to annoy her, even though she was too polite to tell Brian about it. 

“I know…I know, but…”, Brian stammered. 

“You´re his boyfriend, yeah?”, she asked, raising an eyebrow at him and Brian nodded quickly, giving her a sweet smile. 

“Yes…”

She sighed and then grabbed the file, opening it, her eyes quickly travelling over the papers. The sides of her mouth dropped while she read. She really didn´t look too pleased and Brian was starting to get worried. Slowly she put down the file, closing it, her mouth opening to form words that didn´t want to come out. 

She surely did seem to remember Freddie´s check-up. 

“He needs help. Urgently.”, she said slowly, her gaze fixing on Brian intently, “His bloodwork is terrible, he´s very malnourished. His BMI is below 16, that´s…”, he shook her head, swallowing thickly, “That´s quite bad.”

“I´m making sure he eats three meals a day and doesn´t exercise…I´m making sure he sleeps enough…gets his vitamins…I…I´m doing all I can, really I…”, Brian stammered, suddenly feeling the strange need to make this nurse, this absolute stranger, understand that he was taking good care of his boyfriend. 

Or so he had thought…

“Darling…your boyfriend…He´s been doing this for a while, okay? I´m talking years…We can tell that from how tired his body is…”, the nurse explained, “If I were you…I´d get him to a clinic for intensive treatment. I know, as his partner, you might feel like you can safe him. Truth is…you can´t…” 

Her words felt like a slap in the face for Brian, who, in the last two weeks, had done anything in his power to help Freddie, to keep him nourished and safe and happy. Had it all been in vain? 

“Please, don´t burn yourself out trying to safe someone who´s already very far gone, love. You look very tired, exhausted really. I´m no psychiatrist, but sometimes, you need to put yourself first…”, she said, her voice much softer now. 

Suddenly, Brian felt like shouting at her, telling her that she was wrong, oh, how wrong she was! Freddie wasn´t lost! He could do this! They could both do this! They didn´t need anybody! Just each other…

“Thank you…thank you for telling me…”, Brian said quietly, mustering up a polite smile and turning around to pay his sleeping boyfriend one last visit, before he could come back in the morning. 

They kept Freddie in hospital for three more days before Brian could come and pick his boyfriend up. Roger was adamant about tagging along and it was one of the most precious sights to see Freddie´s face light up with joy when he saw the drummer stepping into the hospital room behind Brian. 

“Roggie, what a surprise!”, he cooed and they grinned at each other like maniacs and went full on into their usual silly jokes and antics while they took the Tube home. Still, Brian couldn´t help but hold Freddie´s hand the entire time, so worried was he about his boyfriend. 

He basically moved into Freddie´s room with him, watching him with eagle eyes, persisting in his little regime of regular meals, walks and lot´s of quality time and Freddie didn´t seem to mind. 

“I hope I´m not bothering you guys? I´m not planning on becoming the fourth flatmate. It´s just that I want to look after him, just for a few days.”, Brian explained to Freddie´s flatmate Lizzie in the kitchen one night as they were making tea. 

“Of course you´re not bothering us, Brian love! Please, no worries!”, she said with a smile, “We love having you here and we´re happy that Freddie´s got someone to look after him.”  
She then lowered her voice a little.

“To be quite frank, the last guy he used to bring back here was a bloody dickhead, I´m telling you. Proper arsehole, you know. They used to fight all the time and then they made up. Freddie used to be so sad about it and then they were madly in love again, gosh, it was so toxic.”

“Oh…that…really doesn´t sound nice.”, Brian replied quietly and his heart clenched at her words. He had already apprehended that Freddie´s previous relationships hadn´t been the happiest with the way Freddie sometimes seemed so withdrawn and so flippant, but hearing it from Lizzie made it different, made it even more heart-breaking. 

“No, it wasn´t! But hey, you´re not like that! You´re really good for him, Brian.”, she said, smiling at him and picking out a teabag from the huge tea selection in the cupboard while the kettle whistled. 

“Thank you, Lizzie. You saying that means a lot to me.”, Brian replied with a smile and a positive feeling of warmth spreading in his chest. 

On that night, Freddie seemed a little less tired than in the last days and while Brian did some early reading for one of his lectures for the next semester on his laptop, his boyfriend played the keyboard for the first time, little melodies, snippets of popular songs and some of the ones they had been playing with Roger. 

When Brian´s eyes started to ache from staring at his screen for too long, he sat down next to Freddie on the bed, leaning his head against the singer´s shoulder, watching his slim fingers play on the keys. 

Freddie chuckled softly, pressing a quick little kiss to Brian´s forehead while he kept on playing. Brian didn´t really know where those words came from. All he knew was that he felt them, from deep within his heart and this, this moment right here, felt like the right time to say them.

“I love you…”, he murmured quietly against the soft peach fuzz that grew into the slightly coarser hear of Freddie´s sideburn and his boyfriend stopped playing, turning his head to look at Brian, grinning and blushing like a man who had just heard the happiest news of his life. 

“Is it too early to say it?”, Brian asked quietly but the singer just smiled and then kissed him deeply. 

“No…no, it´s not, darling. Because I love you too…”, he replied, putting aside the keyboard and taking Brian into his arms. 

In moments like these, life didn´t feel so hard. In moments like these, Brian wasn´t dependent on his medication and didn´t need any therapy. In moments like these, Freddie didn´t starve himself, didn´t hurt himself, didn´t hate himself. In moments like these, they were two men, who loved each other very much, who had each other and didn´t need much more than each other to be happy in life. 

But then, the days went on, turning into weeks and nothing changed. 

Freddie still used every opportunity he could get to skip meals, he still did his sit ups in secret and sometimes, Brian would find vomit in plastic bags at the bottom of his wardrobe, hidden away in his room. 

Sometimes, Freddie fought him, fought having to eat, even just the tiniest bite. Sometimes he wolfed down the dinner Brian cooked him so fast, that he was sick afterwards. 

“It´s not my fault!”, he would then scream at Brian from the bathroom, “My body just can´t take it! I can´t eat all of this, it´s too much!”

“You did that on purpose, Freddie! You did that, so you could throw it all up again! Don´t fool me!”, Brian shouted back at him. 

They fought, oh god, they fought so much and Freddie would cry and he would scream and he would beg Brian. He would push him away, he would run from the flat or lock himself in his room.

Brian begged him to find a therapist, sending him phone numbers and mail-addresses, but Freddie never contacted any of them, deaf to his boyfriend´s pleading and begging to get help. 

“I´ve got it under control…”, he would then say, angry and half-conscious with fatigue. Brian tried calling a few of those therapists and helplines himself, but he couldn´t make appointments for anyone who he wasn´t married or related to and it frustrated him greatly. 

Sometimes Brian was strong enough to take it, to handle it, to comfort Freddie, to fight against the pain of seeing the man he had come to love hit rock bottom. Sometimes he was able to persuade him to eat, to keep on eating. Sometimes he could show Freddie, could make him understand that he was beautiful, that he was worth the fight, the fight for his life, for their love. 

But sometimes, he just wasn´t strong enough. 

Too tired. 

Too burned out. 

He was worried, constantly worried and anxious and on edge. And sometimes, after another fight, he just left, just fled the flat, escaping into the night, walking around the dark streets for hour or hiding in in his own bed for days until he was sick with worry and guilt and returned to Freddie, who welcomed him with open arms, clinging to him like a child and clawing at his back when they made love so desperately, so violently, because they had almost lost one another.

In February, Brian had planned on spending a weekend with his parents, after his mother, since Christmas, had constantly begged him to come visit soon. Plagued by his conscience, Brian had come to the conclusion that he couldn´t push his visit off any longer. 

It wasn´t that he didn´t want to see his parents, heck, he missed his Mum and Dad like hell, especially in those difficult times and he was looking forward to spending the weekend with them. But then he thought about Freddie and how he would be on his own for two whole days. 

In the 24 hours before he would leave, Brian was tense, going back and forth between calling the whole things off and simply believing in Freddie to be fine on his own. It was when he packed his bag that he finally gathered the courage to speak to his boyfriend once more. He needed to make sure that he could trust Freddie with this or else he wouldn´t be able to go. 

They had been chatting about this and that, Freddie sprawled out on Brian´s bed, flicking through a fashion magazine, when Brian put aside his bag and sat down next to Freddie on the bed. 

“Freddie, I need to talk to you about something.”, Brian said slowly, taking the singer´s hands in his, clutching them tightly and looking into the other man´s eyes. 

Freddie´s smile seemed a little tense, even though he pressed a sweet little kiss onto Brian´s knuckles. “Yes darling?”

“Will you promise to eat?”, Brian asked slowly, intently, “When I´m gone for the next two days, will you promise that you will eat three proper meals a day?”

Secretly, Brian had been hoping and praying that the last weeks had made a difference in his boyfriend´s mindset, that he had already made some progress and would promise Brian to do it, to at least try, to keep on fighting. 

But Freddie just lowered his gaze, his teeth gnawing at his lower lip as he stared silently as at their entwined fingers. 

“Brian…you know I…I can´t do that…”, he murmured shyly, his voice already breaking, his hands, his form, his whole being so fragile in this moment. 

But Brian wasn´t ready to give up. What Freddie needed right now, was someone who believed in him, someone who believed that he could do it, that he could take back some responsibility and control of his eating. 

“You love me, don´t you, Fred? You said so yourself…”, Brian said softly, heir gazes meeting once again. 

“Yes, I do.”, Freddie replied in a whisper, his hands squeezing Brian´s. 

“Then you must eat.”, Brian stated, an unapologetic honesty and straight-forwardness swinging in those simply words. 

“Brian…”, Freddie sighed and tried to bull away his hands, defeated, lowering his gaze. 

“If you love me, you´ll eat, Freddie…”, Brian repeated, his hands still holding those of the singer, grabbing onto his fragile wrists as he tried to squirm away. 

Suddenly, there was panic in his boyfriend´s eyes. If Brian had learned one thing, then it was that Freddie hated to be held down or grabbed against his will. A small play-fight with lot´s of tickling and kissing could send Freddie into a panic in which he would violently thrash against his boyfriend´s loose hold, doing everything he had in his power to get away from him. 

Usually, he would apologize for those outbursts, but they left him quiet and withdrawn for a few hours while Brian felt guilty for not having recognized it sooner. He reckoned it had something to do with Freddie´s past relationships and had sworn to himself to never let things get that far again, if by accident or intention. 

But now, he found himself clutching at the singer´s arms with desperate force and, as always, Freddie twisted away from him, breathing hard and fast. 

“I can´t…I can´t…”, Freddie hissed, his eyes those of a wild, hunted animal. 

But this time, his sudden shyness and withdrawal angered Brian. They had been having this conversation for weeks now and still, his boyfriend did not seem to be willing to even try and make a change.

“Yes, you fucking can! You can, Freddie!”, Brian shouted and it was only now that he noticed how harsh he had sounded, how much anger vibrated in his voice, in every word he had spoken.

Freddie got up from the bed, hands thrown up in frustration.

“It´s not that easy, Brian! It´s not that fucking easy!”, his boyfriend growled back at him. 

“It is! Just…please Freddie, I am begging you!”, Brian half-pleaded, half-shouted, his hands clasped together like he was praying, begging for the man he loved to listen, to be sensible, to finally see what he was doing to himself. 

“Would you suddenly be happy if I begged you to be, Brian? Would you be able to switch off that mean little voice in your brain that tells you that your worthless and stupid and ugly and unimportant?”, Freddie shouted and those words hit Brian hard. 

Freddie knew how dark it could get in his mind, knew what his brain made him believe if he wasn´t careful, wasn´t mindful. Saying it like this made Brian feel like Freddie was using this knowledge against him. 

“That´s not the same thing!”, he said sharply, but Freddie just shook his head, a bitter laugh escaping from his lips. 

“Yes it is! Yes it fucking is, Brian!”, he rasped, “But you have…your medication…and your therapy sessions…They´ll set your right again…but they won´t be able to help me…they just won´t…”

Brian had rounded the bed and was now standing right in front of Freddie, wanting to grab his hand, wanting to touch, to comfort, to make himself understood. 

“Yes, they will, Freddie. They will…You just have to try and…”, Brian said, a bit softer this time, but Freddie´s face turned into a grimace of cold rage. 

“You think I´m not trying?! You think I´m not giving my best every damn fucking day to fight this…this fucking…”, he almost spat at Brian and then heaved for breath. Brian could see tears shimmering his eyes. 

“No…Freddie, I know you are…”, Brian stammered, somehow trying to minimize the damage his harsh words had just caused. Brian took another step towards him, but Freddie flinched away from him. 

“Fuck you, Brian, leave me alone…”, his boyfriend whispered, his voice raw and broken as a tear rolled down his cheek. 

“No…”, Brian whispered and then, a little louder, said, “No, Freddie I won´t!”

“You´re not going to be able to save me…like some…white knight!”, Freddie shouted at him, shaking with agitation. Brian could see that he was getting dizzy again from all the screaming and standing and trying to look strong when in reality, he had gotten so weak, so fragile and tired, tired of life and tired of it all. 

And Brian, he was tired as well. So very tired. 

“I´m not trying to…I can´t…I don´t have the strength…”, he said slowly, carefully, “I´m sorry, Freddie, I´m not strong enough…I can´t be there for you like you´d need me to…like you deserve…”, Brian´s voice broke and he felt tears burning in his eyes as he clasped his hands in front of his face, somehow trying to stifle the sob that burned in his throat. 

“Oh Brian…”, Freddie suddenly said, his voice full of pain and tender love and he rushed towards him, lifting his hands from his face to look into Brian´s eyes, “Oh my darling…I know you can´t…I don´t want you to burn yourself out…trying to save me, I´m not even worth…”, he blubbered, but Brian didn´t want to hear those self-deprecating words. 

“Not worth it?! Fuck Freddie, no…How can you…how can you believe that…?”, he pressed, his voice shaking with a sob as he grabbed his boyfriend´s shoulders, “You´re the best thing that´s happened to me in years…”

Freddie turned his face away, lowering his gaze in shame.

“I hate this! I hate that you´re wasting your time on me like this and I hate myself for making you waste your time because I´m a selfish, greedy shit!”, he hissed and Brian could see that he was pressing his nails into the heels of his palms, causing himself pain, punishing himself. 

Brian couldn´t bear to see it, couldn´t bear to hear those words so full of self-hatred. 

“No, you´re not! You´re my boyfriend and I love you, Freddie!”, he said loudly, his hands on the singer´s bony shoulders, “I love you because you´re wonderful and kind and creative and clever and beautiful! And it hurts me so much, that you can´t see that! And that you think you have to…” , Brian´s voice broke again as fresh tears ran down his cheeks,“…punish yourself…by starving that beautiful…wonderful…precious body of yours…not only of food…but also of kindness…and love…” 

Freddie started shaking, seemed to lose all strength, all ability to uphold his façade any longer. He sank against Brian, a hand covering his mouth to stifle his crying as Brian took him into his arms. 

“But that won´t stop me, do you hear me? That won´t stop me from loving you and from being there for you just like you were there for me when I was down…”, Brian whispered into his ear, „Just like you make sure that I take my medication and that I go to therapy, I will make sure that you eat…and that you stay alive!”

He held Freddie even tighter, leaning his cheek against the singer´s messy head of black hair.

“Because life…is fucking precious, Freddie. And I know…that you want to live…that you´re hungry…hungry for life…”, he whispered. 

“I can´t…Brian, I can´t keep on fighting anymore…I can´t…stop…it´s too much…”, Freddie whimpered and then raised his head to look up into Brian´s eyes again, “There´s so much darkness inside of me…it´s eating me alive…every fucking day…”

Freddie was shaking and he looked scared, so damn scared of those ghosts of the past that now seemed to roam free in his memory. 

“You need real help, Freddie. Not just me trying to make you eat, while I know nothing about psychology or therapy…You need real, professional help.”, Brian said softly, placing a hand onto his boyfriend´s cheek to wipe away the tears. 

“I know…I know, b-but…”, Freddie stammered and then, utter dread and fear in his voice, he continued, “I´m so scared of being alone, Brian! I´ve been to a place like that before when I was younger, a clinic my parents paid for, and it was like…like when I went to boarding school in India…when my parents sent me away when I was seven because they could tell that something was wrong with me…because they didn´t want me anymore…because I didn´t turn out the way they wanted me to be…”

Brian could see it all falling into place now, could see those cheery stories of childhood adventures and boarding school days for what they really were. The story of a little boy who had been very, very lonely in a world that had been incredibly cruel to him. 

“Please don´t send me away, Brian…please…please don´t leave me alone…”, Freddie whimpered and Brian shook his head, taking him in his arms again. 

“I won´t…Do you hear me, Freddie? I won´t leave you alone! I´ll be there! Right by your side, okay?”, he whispered and Freddie pressed his tear-streaked face back into his shoulder, hiccupping and sobbing like a child. 

“Okay, Freddie?”, Brian asked him again, to make sure that his boyfriend had understood.

“O-okay…”, the singer hiccupped and then Brian held him for a long while, as long as it took for Freddie´s breathing to quiet down again and his tense shoulders to relax. 

“Now…”, Brian said slowly, as an idea started to manifest in his mind, “…what would you say…if I took you with me…to my Mum and Dad?”

Freddie looked up at him and a tiny, tearful smile started to appear on his lips.

“I´d love to meet them, darling.”

Five weeks had passed since that weekend, the one where Brian´s parents had met Freddie for the first time, the one where he had charmed both Brian´s Mum and Dad with his charm, humour and polite manners. The one where Brian had come out to them and despite his initial worry, his mother had reacted with a big, tearful hug for both Brian and Freddie, telling her son that all she wanted for him was to be happy, no matter with whom and that she was proud of him for telling them and even Brian´s father, who had always had a quite conservative attitude, seemed alright with it. 

Since then, a lot had happened, for both Brian and Freddie. The semester had started again, but it had only been Brian who had returned to his university lectures and seminars, once again feeling the pressure of weekly assignments, presentations and essays. 

Freddie had taken a semester off from his arts and design course and with Brian´s help, had found a clinic in North London, that specialised, among other mental health issues, in eating disorders. He had been lucky to get a place and at first, things had not been so rosy. 

Brian still remembered accompanying him on the Tube, carrying his suitcase, because Freddie was barely strong enough to manage his rucksack and Freddie had been nervous, oh God, he had been an absolute bundle of nerves. 

Brian had helped him unpack in the light room on the second floor of the beautiful complex of three townhouses the clinic was situated in and then, after many long hugs and kisses, it had been time to say goodbye for two whole weeks. 

Brian had been suffering so very much with the loss of contact but he had known that it was for the better and that they needed to follow the rules of the clinic if he wanted Freddie to get better. 

May had come around and the days had been getting a little warmer. Spring was in the air, although it had rained an awful lot. On the day, that Brian had seen his boyfriend again, a bouquet of yellow tulips under his arm, he had barely recognized the singer. 

Freddie had managed to gain a bit of weight but above all, there was a rosy colour to his cheeks, his eyes shimmering with liveliness and joy as he had stormed towards Brian in the hallway of the clinic, throwing himself into his arms and covering his face in kisses. 

“Oh Brian! Oh my sweet darling, I´m so glad to see you!”, he had cooed and Brian had been so happy, that he could have cried with joy. 

From then on, Brian was allowed to visit Freddie again, to see him on the weekends and to even keep him company on some of the evenings during the week. 

Roger came around a few times as well and then they worked on songs, harmonizing in the hallway until one of the nurses asked them to be a little more quiet, although she seemed charmed by their singing. Brian was horribly embarrassed by it, but Freddie and Roger seemed chuffed with it. 

On this evening, Brian had come round to the clinic after his last lecture. Freddie and him had gone on a long walk, enjoying the warm spring evening. They had come back to the clinic for dinner and then Brian had been allowed to stay for another hour. 

Now it was getting dark outside and one of the nurses had knocked on Freddie´s door politely to tell Brian that it was time to leave for the day. 

Reluctantly, Brian got up from the bed on which he had sat with Freddie, searching for his shoes on the plush white carpet. 

“I´ll see you on Friday, yeah?”, he asked, pressing another quick kiss onto Freddie´s cheek. 

“Yeah…”, his boyfriend replied, his eyes already twinkling with the anticipation of the next time they would see each other. 

Brian had already gotten up from the bed, looking for his jacket, when Freddie gently took his hand in his. 

“Brian?”, he asked softly, looking up at him with big, brown eyes. 

“Yeah babes?”, Brian replied, his thumb gently running over the back of Freddie´s hand. 

“I love you.”, the singer said with a sweet smile and Brian´s heart began to flutter, just like every time when he heard Freddie say those three magic words to him. 

“I love you too, Freddie.”, he whispered as he leaned in and kissed his boyfriend once again, gently and slowly, the sweet contact of their lips carrying on and on, Freddie sighing and Brian placing a hand onto Freddie´s cheek, cradling his face in his palm. 

As Brian came up for air, breaking the kiss, a smile was lingering on his lips. 

“The nurses are done with their check up for today, right?”, he asked in a whisper and Freddie chuckled with delighted mischief. 

“Are you thinking what I´m thinking?”, he cooed, his hands on the collar of Brian´s shirt as he pulled him back towards the bed. 

“No secret handjobs under the covers again. Last time I head to take the Tube home in sticky underwear, which was quite unpleasant and also…”, Brian protested weakly, although he couldn´t help but blush and giggle in the process of it.

Freddie shut him up with another kiss. 

“But you wouldn´t have to take the Tube home tonight. I was thinking you could sleep over, darling.”, he then murmured against Brian´s lips and the guitarist smiles defeatedly. 

“Yes, that´s what I was talking about.”, he replied and then it was settled. 

The doors had no locks and they didn´t want to risk putting a chair under the handle and getting Freddie in any serious trouble and so they just drew the curtains, Brian stripping down to his boxers and Freddie getting in his peach-coloured Satin pyjamas and crawled under the crisp, white sheets. 

Freddie turned off the lights and then snuggled up against Brian, who took him into his arms. 

“I´ve missed this…so much…”, the singer sighed against the crook of Brian´s neck, nuzzling at his earlobe. 

“We´ll soon be able to sleep together every night once again, Freddie.”, Brian whispered back to him in the dark, kissing his forehead. 

“Just six more weeks.”, Freddie sighed hopefully and Brian nodded. 

“Exactly, baby. Just six more weeks.”, he whispered and then they were quiet again for a little while, listening to the quiet of the old building and enjoying the sensation of holding each other close. 

Freddie took Brian´s hand and slid it under the wide collar of his pyjama top, his skin warm and soft and alive under Brian´s touch. 

“Can you feel it? My heart?”, Freddie whispered in the dark, “Can you feel it beating?”

Brian´s thumb gently caressed the coarse hair that grew on his chest but when he pressed his palm against the skin and held his breath, laying completely still, he could feel Freddie´s heartbeat thundering against his palm. 

“Yes…feels nice and strong…”, he replied, smiling and kissing Freddie´s cheek, „Can you feel mine?”, he then added softly, taking Freddie´s hand and pressing it against his own chest. 

“Yes…”, Freddie chuckled and kissed Brian´s collarbone, “I can hear it…”

Their gazes met and Freddie´s smile was all dimples and teeth, happiness and content sparkling in his dark eyes. 

“What are we going to tell the nurses tomorrow morning when they find you in my bed?”, he chuckled and Brian couldn´t help but smile. 

“We´ll tell them I just fell asleep…without my clothes on…”, he mused, “Em…well, that doesn´t sound very plausible.”

“Not it doesn´t darling.”, Freddie giggled into his ear. 

“Ah sod it. We´ll be alright.”, Brian replied and the singer pressed a smacking kiss to his cheek. 

“You´re a rule-breaker, Brian May. A naughty, naughty rule-breaker.”, he whispered. 

“Hmm, maybe I am…”, Brian replied and then pulled his boyfriend into another sweet and gentle kiss.


	6. Girls love Girls and Boys / Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello darlings, 
> 
> here I am with another oneshot. I have always been super interested in Freddie´s gender expression and this is what this little story is about. Once again, I had to split it into two parts, because I think a 14k chapter would just be a bit too much. You´ll get chapter number two in a few days, as I´m just adding a few finishing touches to it. 
> 
> Once again, I don´t mean to offend anyone. Gender expression and sexuality are such complex topics and everyone´s experiences with them are so unique and special. I´m not saying that this is a universal and objective account of what it feels like to be trans, non-binary or gender-non-conforming. This is merely a little exploration in the field of gender. So enjoy!
> 
> Comments always make me so very happy and I want to say a big thank you to each and every reader!

The first time Brian encounters Melina is on a random Friday in April.

But then, as he comes to think about it, months later, he thinks that perhaps, she has always been there, has always been present, her essence lingering in the sweet smell of Freddie´s skin after a long hot shower and the skilful black line he draws on his upper lid every morning. 

Brian almost falls asleep on the Tube, his backpack heavy from a long day of seminars and research at the library and his eyes are getting heavy. He´s made good progress with his dissertation today and feels like the two seminars he has taught have been engaging and have left at least somewhat of an impression with his students. 

He can´t wait to get home, to curl up with Freddie on the couch to watch a movie, to just talk, order some food, maybe even have a cheeky Friday-night drink, some of the lovely pink Gin Freddie´s sister has given them as a gift to celebrate Freddie and him moving in together three months ago. 

A cosy night in basically, Brian´s favourite among all options to spent a Friday evening. 

Little meows and chirps greet him when he opens the door to their flat, their cats Tom and Jerry giving him head buts and rubbing against his legs. 

“Hello my little sweethearts…yes…hello, hello…”, he greets them with a chuckle and lots of headscratches, while he puts down his heavy rucksack and takes off his jacket. 

He smells coconut milk and spikes, a hint of rice and something fruity and his stomach gives a churn, glad that Freddie has already gotten started with making dinner. How very sweet of him, Brian thinks, especially because of the fact that Freddie is currently working on finishing his final project for his degree in fashion design and is usually quite exhausted after a long day in the atelier himself. 

“Hey babes! Smells delicious!”, he calls over to the kitchen, where he can hear Freddie bustling about with pots and pans, Ariana Grande playing from his phone, humming along.

“Hello darling! Dinner´s almost ready!”, his boyfriend says as Brian sticks his head into the kitchen and his mouth drops open a little. 

Freddie is standing by the oven, stirring a wooden spoon in a pan that has some deliciously looking and almost done Thai curry in it, but what grabs Brian´s attention isn´t exactly the food. 

His boyfriend is wearing an emerald green silken slip dress that barely reaches his knees, his legs clad in sheer black overknee stockings. One of his shoulders is covered by a silk black robe that almost reaches the floor, the other one is naked and shows the subtle strap of a black lace bralette, which he must be wearing under the dress. 

A sharp, slim black line accentuates the almond shape of his dark eyes, there is a hint of peachy highlighter on his high cheekbones and his plush lips are skilfully painted in a lovely shade of subtle pink, that compliments his complexion just perfectly. 

The look is finished off by his hair, pinned up with a big black hairclip, effortlessly messy, a few strands curling around his forehead, his fringe wild and wavy.  
He looks absolutely amazing and Brian can feel his smile broadening even further. 

“Oh…hello you…”, he murmurs softly because yes, this is definitely something new, even for Freddie, who doesn´t really hide the fact that he enjoys things typically associated with femininity, such as makeup, high heels and even the odd bit of lingerie (much to Brian´s delight). 

But this…

Brian feels his heartbeat picking up as he comes closer, enjoying the way his boyfriend blushes under his direct gaze, fluttering his lashes (coated in a thin layer of mascara), smiling shyly. 

“Hey…”, Freddie murmurs, turns down the heat of the stove and puts the spoon aside as he lets himself be pulled into Brian´s arms, who places his hands on the singer´s slim waist.   
The silky material of the dress feels exquisite under his palms. 

“Look at you…”, Brian says softly, his thumbs rubbing soothing circles over the slight concave he can feel under the Persian´s last rib, “Stunning…”

Freddie meets his eye, tucking his lips over his front teeth, quite obviously very pleased with his boyfriend´s reaction. Still, Brian knows the other man much too well to miss the hint of nervousness in his eyes. 

“Thank you, Brimi darling…”, Freddie whispers and then leans in to kiss him hello, a soft little peck and Brian gets a waft of his perfume, fruity and sweet, clouding his senses like an aphrodisiac.

He tightens his hold on the singer´s waist a little, giving a soft hum as his boyfriend allows him to deepen the kiss, Freddie placing his incredibly soft hands on Brian´s cheek, where his thumbs stroke the stubble on his skin tenderly, before they wander towards his slim shoulders, where they come to a rest. 

As they break the kiss, a slow withdrawal from the sweet flow of the contact, Freddie smiles at him, all dimples and sparkling eyes, now seeming much more at ease. 

Brian rubs the tip of his nose against his boyfriend´s and they giggle. God, even after two years together, they still are just as in love as on the day Freddie had nervously told Brian about his feelings for him on Brian´s 23rd birthday, the both of them drunk and sleepy in Brian´s small shitty bed at his student flat. 

“Is there a special occasion?”, Brian asks softly. He´s pretty sure that he hasn´t missed their anniversary, because even though his brain can be a right mess when it comes to anything relating normal life and not his studies, he keeps a little calendar with important dates and would therefore never forget an important day. 

Freddie´s smile turns a little mischievous and once again, he flutters those sinfully long lashes, smacking his lips. 

“No…and yes…I just felt like putting on something pretty for tonight.”, he says in a voice that is as smooth as silk and Brian has a mental little high-five-moment with himself. 

Really, how lucky can one nerdy, gangly astrophysics-obsessed bloke get to have pulled such an incredibly stunning guy? Brian congratulates himself on that achievement every day but for now, he just gives Freddie a smile and another kiss, this time onto his temple.

“Well, you surely do look pretty…very much so…”, he murmurs into his boyfriend´s ear, pulling him in a little closer. 

“I´ve made some Thai curry…”, Freddie says quickly, nodding towards the pan and Brian understands what he is really saying. 

Not yet, darling. Be patient. 

And Brian obeys because he knows that with Freddie Mercury, good things come for those who wait. Freddie has a plan and Brian is all to happy to play his role in it. 

They eat the delicious food Freddie has cooked for them in their small cluttered kitchen, Tom and Jerry trying to jump on the table and generally being naughty, before they settle down on the windowsills to sniff at the vases of flowers and then watch the London traffic outside. 

The windows are open and the sweet smell of spring rain fills the kitchen as the blue hour bathes the room in shadows, the candles Freddie has put on flickering. 

Brian finds it wonderfully cosy, his fingers grazing Freddie´s hard on the table as his boyfriend idly listens to him ramble about the progress of his research. 

Freddie looks at him with dark, shimmering eyes, the sweetest smile on his face and oh, Brian´s heart fills with warmth and adoration and God, he´s happy, drunk on happiness and the white wine they are having with their dinner. 

“You look beautiful…”, he says softly after a short moment of silence and then takes his boyfriend´s hand and guides it towards his lips, kisses every delicate knuckle and feels the cold, smooth material of the silver rings Freddie´s has put on each of his fingers against his lips. 

“Oh darling…”, the Persian sighs and there´s something touched, something slightly shaken in his voice and on his face as he looks at Brian with vulnerable adoration. 

They clean up the kitchen, feed their furry children and then settle down in their living-/bedroom, cuddled up on the bed to watch a movie on Netflix.

Brian loves this room, loves how they have utilized the little space that they have to fit Freddie´s vinyl collection and Brian´s books on space and the cosmos, Freddie´s art supplies and sewing machine and wardrobe and Brian´s little plant family, Freddie´s love for decorative pillows and oriental rugs and Brian´s liking for muted colours and cosiness. 

Brian feels safe in this room, he feels like it´s their little haven amidst the chaos of the city, a place of peace and trust of their busy Uni lives, band practice and the general excitement of being in your mid-20s. It´s a home they have created just for them, their sanctuary. 

Freddie lays down gracefully, snuggling up against Brian´s chest and they get through about halfway of “A Star is born”, a movie that both him and Freddie had been wanting to watch for ages, before Brian gives in to the temptation of kissing and nosing at the delicate, bronze skin of Freddie´s throat, letting the silver material of his dainty necklaces glide against his lips, playing with the coin pendant on one of them and pulling Freddie closer against his body. 

The singer hums softly and his hand finds its way into Brian´s hair, his nails, slightly filed as Brian can tell now, gently scratching and massaging his scalp, which gives him full body shivers and quiets him down for a little bit. 

Freddie lays a long, stocking-clad leg over Brian´s hip, the guitarist´s hand landing on his boyfriend´s bum where he pulls him even closer and Brian just can´t stop running his palm over the silky material of Freddie´s dress and robe, hiking it up a little further with each upstroke of his fingers. 

When Freddie starts pressing his knee into Brian´s crotch ever so slightly, he gives up the fight. He starts getting hard, allowing himself to grab his boyfriend´s bum just a little bit, massaging the firm globe of it under his fingers. 

Freddie must know exactly what he´s doing, because he gives a soft little hum of content and slides his fingers under the collar of Brian´s button down shirt, the material of his rings cold against Brian´s skin as he runs them through the sparse blondish chesthair growing on the guitarist´s breastbone, which sends a jolt of heat down to Brian´s crotch. 

“I´m sorry I…”, he groans against Freddie´s temple, “I just can´t concentrate on this…with you…looking like that…”

When Freddie raises his head, there´s an amused twinkle in his dark eyes and oh, this cheeky little minx knows exactly what´s going on. 

“Oh, my poor darling. You should have said something much sooner.”, he coos and then he just climbs into Brian´s lap, the dress hiking up his thigs and exposing the ends of his stockings. Brian finds the view mouth-watering and his hands immediately land on the exposed flesh.

“Mustn´t let you suffer like that…”, Freddie murmurs, his beringed fingers unashamedly reaching for the bulge in Brian´s jeans, “Once again, you´re too much of a gentleman to say something about that boner…”

Freddie giggles with mischievous delight, palming at Brian´s member through his jeans and Brian quickly grabs his boyfriend´s wrist in a playfully tight hold. 

“You naughty little…”, he groans against Freddie´s lips, but the singer shuts him up with a bruising kiss, “Come here, you, I´m going to show you how much of a gentleman I can be!”, the curly haired man murmurs against the Persian´s lips, kissing him hotly. 

They make out shamelessly, Brian´s hands sliding down his boyfriend´s silky robe from his shoulders, his thumbs hooking under the straps of the dress and bralette the singer is wearing underneath. Freddie grinds his hips against Brian´s groin and it makes him moan, his lips now wandering from his boyfriend´s mouth down towards his chin and neck, kissing at the smoothly shaved, tanned skin, inhaling his sweet perfume. 

He feels the singer shiver, his fingers fiddling with the buttons of Brian´s shirt, opening it up but something seems to be on his mind, his fingers clumsy and slow in their task. It might be the way Brian is sucking a greedy lovebite onto his neck but the guitarist can somehow tell that something else is on the Persian´s mind. 

“Brimi…”, Freddie groans weakly, placing his hands onto the guitarist´s heated cheeks, “Brimi, listen for a sec…”

Brian comes up for air and tries to calm down his ragged breath and hammering heartbeat, his vision slightly blurry with want. He has pulled down one of the straps of Freddie´s dress and has currently been in the process of pulling off the strap of his bralette with his teeth when Freddie has tried to get his attention.

“Yeah…yeah, I´m listening…”, he replies with a wonky smile, breathing in deeply through his nose but then he notices the way his boyfriend´s adam´s apple nervously jumps up and down as he swallows thickly. 

Freddie´s dark eyes are full of anxious unease as he speaks. 

“I…em…”, he murmurs and Brian can almost feel the words lingering at the tip of his tongue, even though they won´t come out. Freddie seems to be extremely nervous about something and Brian is eager to make his boyfriend feel comfortable. 

“Are you alright, baby?”, he asks softly, his thumb tenderly brushing a streak of wavy hair behind his boyfriend´s ear, “Everything okay?”

“Yes…yes, it´s…”, the singer stammers with an uneasy smile and then hastily wets his lower lip with the small, flickering tip of his tongue. 

“You know you can tell me anything, sweetheart…Come on, just say it, hmm?”, Brian encourages him gently.

“I..”, Freddie whispers hoarsely and then takes a deep, shuddering breath before he says, “I´d like you to call me Melina tonight.”

He almost looks surprised when he sees a fond smile blooming on Brian´s lips. 

“Yes, very well, alright.”, Brian replies with a nod, which seems to reassure his boyfriend a little. 

The name isn´t alien to him, as it is the playful synonym his boyfriend has used previously when they have been out in gay bars and clubs all around town, his drag name, as he calls it. He has given one of those to all of his friends, even Brian himself, whom he called “Maggie”, when in the mood. 

“And…I´d…like you to treat me like…”, Freddie continues, too nervous to hold Brian´s gaze for longer than a few seconds. 

“Like the beautiful lady that you are…”, Brian finishes his sentence, his smile broadening a little as he kisses his boyfriend´s cheek, “Aren´t you,…Melina?”

Freddie seems to hold his breath when he hears Brian say the name, seems to shudder and suddenly, there is a soft, rosy glow to his cheeks and a shy, pleased smile on his lips. 

“Well…if you say so…”, he whispers softly, but he pliantly leans into the touch when Brian starts kissing his temple and the soft peach fuzz growing close to his earlobe.

“Yes, I´d say so, my darling…”, Brian whispers back, “Now…I´d like to slowly…carefully…take off that beautiful dress…”

As they lose themselves in another kiss, Brian is eager to fully get into this little game that Freddie has put up for tonight. They have explored many things in the bedroom in those two years of their relationship and Brian, who previously hadn´t had much experience, not even with women, had learned that Freddie and him did not only get along quite well as musicians and friends, they were also extremely compatible in the bedroom. 

Freddie has given him the confidence to explore and to try new things, exciting things, naughty things, things that have made him trust and love the other man even more. 

“God…you´re so…gosh damn beautiful…”, Brian whispers when Freddie finally lays under down him in an exquisitely dainty set of lacy lingerie. 

With the dress gone, Brian can finally admire how the material of the bralette hugs the flat plateau of his boyfriend´s chest, his perky nipples slightly reddened under the lacy material. His cock strains against the front of the panties, an almost obscene picture, which arouses Brian greatly. He loves the contrast of Freddie´s thick, dark body hair and the delicate material of the lingerie, loves the way it seems to fit him so perfectly, how it fits so naturally.

Freddie has taken out the hairclip and now his hair flows almost down to his shoulders, the locks smelling lusciously of zesty orange, lemons and thyme. The smell reminds Brian of homemade lemonade and summers spent in Italy. 

The most beautiful thing though, is the way Freddie moves, careful and elegant, shy and playful at the same time, his breath hitching when Brian cups his chest as if he can feel the swell of breasts against his palm, rubbing at the sensitive nubs of his nipples. 

“I don´t even want to take this off, it´s so pretty…”, Brian groans against his boyfriend´s lips. 

“You don´t have to take it off…not all of it at least…”, Freddie replies with a knowing flutter of his lashes and then let Brian peel of his panties and proceeds to take off the guitarist´s own clothes. 

Brian is careful with his touches, gentle and teasing but when he reaches between his boyfriend´s cheeks, he is surprised to find a slippery wetness leaking against the pad of his finger from the singer´s entrance.

With huge dark eyes and flushed cheeks, Freddie looks up at him and then a shy smile blooms on his lips. Oh, he really has come prepared for battle tonight.   
The image of his boyfriend preparing himself, opening himself up for Brian ahead of this, maybe just a few minutes before Brian has arrived home, excites him beyond measure. Freddie really has thought of everything. 

“So wet…”, he murmurs, heat in his eyes, his voice nothing but a growl, “Your pussy´s so wet for me, baby…”

Freddie nods shyly, obediently, pressing the small of his lush bum against Brian´s palm. 

“I want your fingers, darling…They feel so good inside of me…”, Freddie whispers softly and Brian is quick to oblige. 

Freddie withers and sighs under him, as he strokes and stimulates him with eager fingers, the Persian´s lithe body shivering, his voice a little sweeter, a little lighter with each pleading sigh.   
Brian begins to fall deeper and deeper into the fantasy, allows himself to indulge in this different, mysterious version of his boyfriend, which yet seems so very familiar. 

“Melina…baby…”, Brian groans when his cock finally pushed into the tight, wet heat of Freddie´s body and the singer´s cock begins leaking precum upon hearing those words as they rock against one another, “So tight, honey…Feels amazing…”

Neither of them lasts long, their nerves and bodies over-worked by the excitement of the foreplay, which seems to have started since the moment Brian has entered their flat tonight.   
Their tender lovemaking turns hasty and slightly clumsy with the promise of orgasm, skin slapping against skin, Freddie´s nails biting into Brian´s back and neck. 

“Oh…oh Brian…”, the Persian whimpers and Brian feels his toes curling with how good this feels, how fucking nice this is. 

Freddie comes with a salve of breathy, throaty sighs without Brian having touched his cock just once and when his dark eyes find Brian´s, caught up in a haze of lust and the euphoria of his climax, Brian comes as well, shuddering and groaning through the height of his pleasure. 

Brian sinks down against his boyfriend´s sweat-dampened body, sticky with their releases and then lays down next to him, their arms looped loosely around each other as they heave for breath.   
He cracks an eye open and finds Freddie blinking at him in content satisfaction. The movie is still playing in the background and Brian finds the remote somewhere on the floor and turns it off. 

“Thank you…oh, thank you, Brimi…”, Freddie murmurs, his voice slightly raw as he leans in closer and frames his boyfriend´s face with both hands, pressing sweet little pecks to his lips, eyebrows, nose and forehead only to then finish his little kiss-attack off with another smooch on the lips that leaves them both giggling. 

“No baby, thank you for this.”, Brian says and can´t help but grin like an idiot, “God, that was…hot…”

“Really?”, Freddie´s smile turns a little shy and Brian can´t believe how unsure his boyfriend sounds all of a sudden. 

“Yes, of course! Freddie, you have seen yourself in lingerie and stockings, right? You look amazing in that stuff!”, Brian says, carefully running the tips of his fingers over the silky material of the black stockings on Freddie´s thigh, “I can call you Freddie again, right?”, Brian then adds and the Persian giggles softly, his smile warm and sweet and content. 

“Yes…yes you can, darling.”

They end the evening with a nice long bath and some more white wine. Freddie puts on their favourite Kate Bush record, changes the sheets because oh well, they have made quite the mess and then lights an incense, which makes the room smell lovely, before they give the cats some more cuddles and then get under the covers. 

The evening has left a lasting impression on Brian and he really can´t help but keep on thinking about it, wishing and hoping for more.

Something about the way they have interacted on that night, something about the ease with which Brian had responded to the little play Freddie had suggested, seems to have encouraged the singer to explore a little more, to get deeper into their little game. 

In the following two weeks, Brian finds his boyfriend incorporating more and more feminine items of clothing into his wardrobe, well, more than he usually does at least. The changes are subtle, but still, Brian notices them, appreciates them for their aesthetic beauty and appeal. 

Freddie starts slipping on flowy little silken night dresses for bed, dusty blue and peachy pink with thin straps and lace trimmings. He starts wearing different scents, more floral, a bit sweeter and he sprays them gracefully onto the soft valley where his shoulder meets his neck rather than below his jawline, the faint mist shimmering on his bronze skin before it sinks in. 

Something about him changes, something about the way he moves, walks, holds himself, the movements of his hands slightly softer, slightly more gentle when he talks. It´s as if the night when he has first shown himself to Brian as Melina, Melina in her truest form, has been a rite of initiation and Brian feels like his boyfriend has let him in on another, an even more secret part of himself, which he is honoured to get to know.

Melina´s visits to their bedroom keep reoccurring and each time Brian joins in this game, it seems to leave Freddie more confident, positively glowing with a content kind of reassurance when they lay in the sheets afterwards, panting and drunk on the ecstasy of the experience. Freddie seems to be expanding, ever expanding before Brian´s eyes but for his eyes only. 

Melina is someone Freddie only shares with him, only shows to him. 

And even though her visits become more regular, each time they happen, they come as a surprise to Brian. They get home from a night out to the pub with their bandmates Roger and John and a few people from Uni in early May, both Freddie and Brian slightly tipsy and in the mood for getting it on, when Brian slides his hand into the front of Freddie´s tight jeans, as they kiss passionately in the small hallway of their flat. 

Brian finds his fingertips meeting the flimsy material of a thong, groaning against his boyfriend´s lips. 

He can´t quite work through the initial shame of it, but his boyfriend´s hairy, lithe body in feminine lingerie really is what does it for him. Every. God. Damn. Time. 

“Are you wearing what I think you´re wearing?”, Brian groans against his lips, but Freddie only chuckles, the sweetest little playful sound and takes Brian by the hand to lead him to their bed. 

“You have a seat, darling…”, he says in a silky voice and then pushes the guitarist down with playful, elegant force, “Get nice and comfy…”

Brian hums softly and watches Freddie strut over to the little JBL box they keep by the bookcase, connecting it to his phone. 

Oh, he´s in for a treat, Brian instantly knows and can´t help but for the grin that starts to spread on his lips. His eyes travel down his boyfriend´s form, those tight black jeans that make his legs and bum look amazing and the flowy white blouse, the buttons undone to his breastbone to reveal an array of dainty silver necklaces. 

When they´re out in public, Brian knows that people are looking at Freddie, looking at them, some of them with unsureness and confusion and quite a few with unhidden interest, lust even. Freddie´s appearance is provoking people in every sense and whenever Brian sees someone staring, he can´t help but put an arm around his boyfriend´s waist, pulling him closer.

The Persian is his and he is proud of it. 

Freddie notices Brian checking him out, dangerous seduction in his dark eyes as they settle on his boyfriend. A song starts playing from the speaker. 

The first few sensual notes of a guitar start to fill the room and Freddie begins to sway his hips. 

“Don´t need permission, made my decision, to test my limits.”, Ariana Grande sings and Brian´s grin vanishes as he watches his boyfriend dance with slightly parted lips. 

Freddie´s eyes are closed as he moves to the music, his hands running up and down the flowy material of his blouse, his fingers beginning to open more buttons. There´s a soft smile on his lips as he touches the newly exposed skin of his shoulders and chest. 

He´s wearing another bralette and this one is a champagne colour, lacy and beautiful and Brian feels the crotch area of his jeans get slightly uncomfortable as he leans back a little to relieve the pressure. 

“All that you got, skin to skin, oh my God, don´t you stop boy.”, Freddie mouths along to the lyrics as he comes closer, treading on naked feet like a panther. Still, he doesn´t touch Brian, not yet. 

He feels the music, his movements flowing with sensual ease. There is no doubt that this is as much for himself as it is for Brian to enjoy.   
He unbuttons his jeans and then begins to pull them down, losing none of his gracefulness as he steps out of them and it´s now that Brian can finally admire the full picture.   
The thong is of the same colour as the bralette and the sight of the singer´s half-erect cock under the flimsy material makes Brian shudder with want. 

“Something bout you, makes me feel like a Dangerous Woman.”, Freddie looks Brian dead in the eyes as he sings along to those words, slowly coming closer, placing his hands on Brian´s thighs, “Something bout you makes me wanna do things that I shouldn´t”

His hands ghost over the tent in Brian´s jeans but they travel upwards, over his tight stomach and chest towards his shoulders as he steps closer, his fingers now in Brian´s hair as he pulls his head closer.   
Brian knows exactly what he wants as he obediently mouths at the material of the bralette, breathing in the singer´s sweet scent of peaches and vanilla. He feels Freddie´s nipple harden under the stimulation. 

“Nothing to prove and I'm bulletproof and know what I'm doing. The way we're movin' like introducing us to a new thing”, Ariana Grande sings and Brian chuckles softly, his hands landing on Freddie´s arse with an audible smack, which has the singer gasping. 

Brian can´t help it. He starts kneading and massaging the firm globes, now nibbling and gently biting against the hairy skin of Freddie´s chest. 

With a sudden controlled harshness, Freddie pulls back Brian´s head by his hair, which makes the guitarist hiss with pleasure and pain. 

Freddie lets go of his hair and turns around in a smooth, swift motion which seems to be incorporated in his little dance routine, sitting down on Brian´s lap and, proceeding to sway his hips, rubbing the swell of his arse right against Brian´s bulge. 

This lapdance is going to kill him, Brian is sure of that. He places his hands on Freddie´s slim hips, his fingertips digging into the singer´s thighs. 

“I wanna savor, save it for later, the taste of flavor, cause I'm a taker, cause I'm a giver, it's only nature”, Freddie whispers along to the lyrics, his movements providing delicious friction. 

“Fuck…”, Brian moans, starting to feel light-headed, “Baby, you´re gonna make me come in my pants…” 

“Maybe that´s precisely what I want, Mr. May.”, Freddie purrs into his ear and then Brian´s hands travel upwards, grabbing and squeezing his chest, massaging the flesh and rubbing his thumbs against Freddie´s nipples deftly. 

The singer moans in absolute delight and throws his head back a little, which makes Brian grab him even tighter, mouthing at his neck. 

“Please…please, Melina…”, Brian groans against the intoxicatingly sweet smell of his boyfriend´s skin. The name rolls of his tongue so naturally and without any hesitation. Their little game has long claimed its stable place in their bedroom. 

“Please what, Brian?”, Freddie murmurs, his breath moist and warm on Brian´s cheek, sweet, girly laughter swinging in the soft vibrato of his voice. He has Brian wrapped right around his little finger and he knows it. 

“Please let me make love to you.”, Brian whispers and there´s a sudden tenderness in his voice, a sudden notion of deep, undying adoration and infatuation with the man, the woman, the human being in his arms. For at this moment, it doesn´t matter to Brian if Freddie is male, female or anything in between. 

All he knows it´s that he wants Freddie, wants Freddie with all his heart and as the last notes of the song fade into the symphony of the early morning, the sky outside their bedroom window still dark as it is about three am, they sink into the sheets to come together as they have done so many times before, the old dance which transforms anew each time they dare to engage in it. 

Freddie is pliant and vulnerable under Brian´s hands, responding to his touch with shuddering breaths and quiet sighs when he finally straddles him, their bodies naked and sinks down into him, beautiful agony on his features as he struggles up the ladder of his pleasure making Brian´s blood boil with lust. 

“I love you…I love you, Melina…”, he groans against Freddie lips as the singer rides him faster, his hands resting on Brian´s shoulders and those words make the Persian let out a sound, pained and deep, almost like a sob.

As their eyes meet, Freddie looks a bit like he´s crying, his eyes misty, his lashes fluttering, but there´s a smile on his lips and Brian kisses the sweet curve of it and hears Freddie whisper, “I love you too, darling…More than anything in the world.”

Afterwards, they lay together in the glow of the early morning, pale light creeping in through the blinds. Both of them are tired, sleepily caressing naked, sweat-dampened skin under the warm duvet, but sleep is far from Brian´s mind. 

He feels like tonight, something profound has happened between them and he is certain that Freddie has felt it too. They don´t speak and instead silently give into their thoughts and dreams that carry them into a light slumber which lasts until midday, when morning breath and hunger wake them up. 

Melina has now become such a regular guest to their flat that Brian gets very used to her presence.

He begins to develop a sort of sixth sense of which name to call his boyfriend. After all, the new persona of the beautiful Persian woman is no longer limited to their bedroom and the hours of intimacy they share, but has become a steady member of their household, sometimes present on each evening of the week when Freddie slips into his silken nightdress and kimono and puts up his hair with the hairclip. 

Freddie seems so much happier, Brian realises. There is an air of lightness and rase to him, something gentle and sweet, a soft smile tugging at his lips whenever Brian plays with the many rings on his fingers and slides his palms over his hip when passing him. 

Brian knows where and how to touch his boyfriend to make him feel comfortable, wanted and desired and adored. A gentle kiss on Freddie´s naked shoulder, fingers, which tug the tag of his top or dress back in, hands on his hips. He´s more gentle with Freddie, more attentive and the Persian seems to appreciate it greatly. 

It is three weeks later that Freddie takes off the t-shirt and jeans he has worn previously and puts on one of his dresses and kimonos, just like on every night. Only on this one, Roger and John ware coming over for a little celebration of John getting his bachelor´s degree. 

Brian feels a little unsure of how their friend´s will receive his boyfriend´s new style of clothing, but in no way is he going to stop Freddie from expressing himself in whichever way is comfortable to him. Still, he can´t help but for the slight feeling of nervousness that starts to creep up on him as the clock strikes 7 pm and their doorbell rings. 

He´s back in the kitchen, readying snacks and drinks on the table when he hears Freddie opening the door. 

“Oh hello darlings!”, the singer chirps. 

“Freddie, mate, what are you wearing?”, Brian hears Roger saying, squeezing his eyes shut, his jaw tight as he cringes at those words. 

Oh God, maybe he should have told Freddie that Melina only was someone, something that the two of them could share, as a couple, a little game just for them, not something they should show to Roger and John. 

Is it still a game even? Or is it something else? Something more? 

“Deaky, don´t you think Fred looks well nice! Look at that dress!”, he suddenly hears Roger saying and quickly relaxes, relief washing over him. 

“Oh, thank you, Roggie.”, he hears Freddie giggling. 

“Really Freddie, very lovely.”, John says in his soft nasal voice and Brian´s smile broadens. 

He should have known that their friends would be absolutely okay with it. 

“Deaky, you old charmer…”, Freddie murmurs, still chuckling as he leads their friends over to the kitchen. 

“Bri! Hey!”, Roger greets him and the rest of the evening turns into one of their easy get-togethers, listening to good music and just chatting, the cats hogging John´s lap, which he doesn´t mind and Roger and Freddie getting tipsy on cheap beer. 

Brian grows more and more relaxed as he watches his friends goof about, dishing out some of the vegan chili-sin-carne he has prepared for tonight. 

John and Freddie are mixing some drinks for them, laughing and joking, when Brian goes to find Roger. The drummer has gone to smoke a cigarette out on the fire escape stairs outside of the living-/bedroom window, that Freddie and Brian, illegally, use as a balcony during the warmer months. 

“Fred and John are mixing another concoction.”, he jokes as he climbs out through the window, almost trips over a pitiful pot of basil he has planted a few weeks ago and sits down next to his friend on one of the metal steps. 

“Oh God, bet this one´s going to finally makes us all go blind.”, Roger chuckles and takes another drag of his cigarette, blowing the smoke away from Brian, who he knows is not too fond of smoking. 

For a while, they just sit, shoulder to shoulder, looking out over the city, the sun already having set and the air carrying a certain chill. They can hear Freddie and John chatting and laughing from the open window of the kitchen, as well as the music that´s playing. 

What a lovely night, Brian thinks to himself. Still, there is something on his mind. 

“You don´t…mind it, do you?”, he asks carefully, looking over at the drummer, “Freddie´s clothes…”

Roger gives him a soft, knowing smile, as if he´d already sensed Brian´s question. 

“Course we don´t, Bri. I mean, I don´t and I reckon it´s the same for Deaks.”, he replies and then shrugs, grinning, “It´s Freddie. He wears whatever he wants.”

“Yes, yes, that´s quite right.”, Brian nods with a smile of relief. 

Roger´s blue eyes still stay on him, as his smile dies down a little, his expression turning a little more serious but not unkind. 

“Do you mind it, Bri?”, he asks softly, a little more quietly. 

“No…no, I don´t. I think he looks beautiful, practically…glowing with happiness whenever he gets into one of those lovely dresses.”, Brian replies, his gaze unwavering and true, his words genuine. 

Freddie´s happiness is his happiness. He loves the man, in whichever shape or form, on any day. Nothing is going to change that. Brian feels his cheeks heating with how hard the emotions of love and adoration are gripping him. It´s scary sometimes, how much you can love someone, how vulnerable you become when you well and truly love another human being.

“Well, that´s good then, isn´t it? It´s all fine.”, Roger shrugs, but then he starts grinning, “Why are you blushing?”

“I´m not!”, Brian replies with a small chuckle, but his friend is not going to let it slide. 

“Oh my god, it turns you on, doesn´t it? Brian, you dirty little shit! Is this your little game? Him parading around in those dresses for you, pretending to be a girl so you can…?”, the drummer speculates, teases and the smile is quickly washed off of Brian´s lips as he shakes his head, his hands raised in defence. 

“No! Roger that´s…That´s not…”, he stammered, but then he clears his throat, once again shaking his head, “Well…you are right. I do find him very attractive. Because he´s beautiful in those clothes, isn´t he?”

“He is, mate.”, Roger replies with a kind smile. For all of his teasing, the drummer has a heart of gold and would never judge neither Brian nor Freddie for anything. 

When things between him and Freddie had been chaotic and confusing, when Brian had still been with Chrissie, trying to figure out if that drunken kiss at a party between him and Freddie had meant anything, Roger had been the first person he had confided in. 

All of this was three years ago now and Roger has been nothing but lovely and supportive. So has Deaky.

“I don´t think this is some sort of roleplay...or a phase. I don´t think he´s putting on a show for me…or for himself…”, Brian muses, “I think…this is just…Freddie. Just a different part of…Freddie…although it doesn´t fell much…different.”

He smiles defeatedly and sighs in slight resignation. 

“I´m sorry, I´m not making much sense, am I?”

Roger gives him a gentle, knowing smile, his blue eyes shimmering with true sympathy. 

“No mate, I think I get it…” 

“You do?”, Brian askes, a hint of surprise in his voice because he himself isn´t quite sure if he understands it properly, understands any of this.

“Yeah…”, Roger shrugs with a charming smile, “It´s just Freddie…that´s all there is to say about that.”

Brian can´t help but laugh softly as Roger nudges him in the side. 

“Roggie! Brian, darling! Come here please, I´d like to bring a toast to Deaky!”, they hear Freddie calling them from the kitchen and within five minutes, Roger and Brian have joined them, each of them holding a glass of the fizzy, pink mixture Freddie and John have come up with. 

“To our clever, wonderful, talented bassist Deaky!”, Freddie toasts, one arm around John´s shoulders, who looks pleasantly tipsy, a little flustered and quite happy. 

“To Deaky!”, Brian and Roger reply and then they all have a sip. 

“Man, I love that song.”, Roger suddenly says as Taylor Swift´s “Shake it Off” begins to play from the speaker on the kitchen table. Sharing a Spotify Account with Freddie means that sometimes, playlists get mixed up. This is one of those situations. 

“Oh, I see a twitch of those hips. Care for a little dance, Mr. Taylor?”, Freddie laughs, already putting down his glass. 

“It should be me asking you, Miss Mercury. So…?”, Roger does a little bow and offers Freddie his hand. The singer blushes with joy. 

“Well, I might just…”, he murmurs and next thing they know, Roger is spinning Freddie through the kitchen while they engage in a dance that is a mixture of the twist, rock´n roll and generally silliness, Freddie shrieking each time they almost crash into the kitchen table and Roger laughing like a maniac. 

Brian finally forgets all previous doubts and their little party goes on until two in the morning. John is still sober enough to manage the 15-minute-walk home, but Roger is positively shit-faced and so Freddie and him carry their drummer over to the little sofa next to their wardrobe, trying to make it as comfortable as possible. 

Roger doesn´t seem to mind. He´s just happy to be able to sleep and so is Brian. Freddie and him cuddle up in their bed and are asleep within minutes. 

The next morning Brian wakes up shockingly late at about 9 am and is surprised to see both his boyfriend and Roger already up, bustling about in the kitchen. He is served some slightly burned pancakes and freshly brewed coffee, which he greatly appreciates. 

“So…next week on Saturday, we´re definitely going out, right?”, Roger asks around a mouthful of pancakes. 

“Definitely, darling.”, Freddie agrees. 

Brian is looking forward to their night out and of course they ask Deaky if he wants to come as well but by the time next Friday rolls around, his girlfriend Veronica asks him if he can help her with one of her uni essay and Brian feels too tired and burned out from the week to join his friends. 

Of course Freddie makes a bit of a fuss about it because he loves taking Brian out to dance, but when he sees how bloodshot his boyfriends eyes are and how much work Brian still has to do, he stops nagging. 

When the Persian emerges from the bathroom an hour later, Brian does regret not coming quite a bit, because Freddie looks fantastic. He´s wearing a black leather skirt, which is quite figure hugging and a white crop top wit a glittery design on it. Paired with some baby-pink Converse the outfit is both sexy and casual. His hair is straightened, falling down onto his shoulders and he´s once again wearing his killer eyeliner and a lovely peachy gloss on his lips. 

Freddie makes Brian another Earl Grey with some almond milk and lays some of his favourite oat biscuits and a piece of his favourite dark chocolate onto a small plate as a little study snack because he´s just utterly sweet like that and then the doorbell rings, Roger waiting outside on the street to pick the singer up. 

“Have fun, babe! You look absolutely amazing!”, Brian tells his boyfriend as they kiss goodbye and once again, Freddie flushes with joy and gives Brian another big smooch before he dashes off. 

Brian knows that Freddie´s safe with Roger. They´ve been an iconic due way before him and Freddie had become a thing and Brian knows how much the friendship with their drummer means to Freddie, how much they a re kindred spirits when it comes to partying, going a little crazy and other shenanigans. 

He works on his laptop until it´s about one in the morning and he can´t keep his eyes open much longer. Then he gathers up Tom and Jerry, goes for a quick trip to the bathroom and then snuggles up in bed with the cats. Brian falls asleep surprisingly quickly, being pretty exhausted. 

The ringing of his phone on the bedside table next to him wakes him, what feels like only seconds after he has fallen asleep. It´s still dark outside and Brian feels pretty lost until his eyes settle on the screen of his ringing phone. 

It´s Roger calling him and Brian feels his stomach twist with the notion that something isn´t quite right. The time on his phone says 3:57 am. 

“Hullo?”, Brian asks groggily as he picks up the phone. 

There´s the sound of voices in the background, the general hubbub of a busy London street by night. 

“Bri? Bri, are you awake, mate?”, Roger asks. He sounds out of breath and his voice is a little hoarse as if he had been shouting previously to the call. 

“Yeah…yeah, I am”, Brian says quickly and once again, he can hear voices in the background, “Rog? Is everything alright?”, he questions and he can hear the slightly shrill undertone of worry vibrating in his voice. 

Something is very wrong, Brian can definitely tell.


	7. Girls love Girls and Boys / Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks,   
> so here´s part two!

“Em… it´s…look, I don´t want you to panic, okay? Freddie´s been in a little…fight…and…”, Roger murmurs into his phone and Brian sits up straight as an arrow. Suddenly, he is quite awake.

“Oh God Roger, what happened?”, Brian feels his hands shaking, his mind going into overdrive as it rotates through various scenarios of absolute disaster. 

Freddie´s been in a fight so that probably means he´s hurt. Very badly hurt. So badly hurt that he´s in an ambulance, on his way to the hospital for an emergency procedure and now Roger is calling him to tell him that…

“I…I don´t really know…”, Roger´s slightly distorted voice interrupts Brian´s train of thought, “I went to the loo and then suddenly Freddie was having a row with this guy and…”

“Rog, you´re making it sound so dramatic! Shut up!”, Freddie pipes up and Brian feels his heart doing a happy little jump. 

Oh God, Freddie is alright! Or…at least alright-ish, since he´s still able to speak.

“Fred? Baby, are you okay?”, Brian asks.

“Yes, darling, of course I…Roggie, can I have the phone?”, Brian hears his boyfriend asking. 

“Freddie, stay where you are! No don´t get up, you´ll faint again!”, the drummer protests and then Brian doesn´t understand what they´re saying, as Roger seems to be covering the phone´s microphone with his hand as their muffled voices are arguing in the background.

“Faint?!” , Brian repeats Roger´s words in sheer shock, but his friends don´t seem to hear him. 

“Why did you even call him, Rog? Brimi´s going to be so worried and it´s all your fault! I´m perfectly fine, stop molly-coddling me!”, he hears Freddie hissing, his voice raw and angry. 

“Shut up, you idiot, you can barely walk!”, the drummer grumbles back.

“W-what´s going on? Freddie? Roger?”, Brian asks, “Hello?”

“Sorry Bri, darling, yeah, we´re okay!”

Freddie´s suddenly at the other end and Brian feels relief washing over his body. Even hearing his boyfriend´s voice calms him down just a little bit. 

“Freddie? Sweetheart, what happened?”, Brian keeps on pressing and Freddie gives him one of those nervous little laughs, the ones that he does to hide that he´s on the brink of tears. 

“Oh, it´s nothing, really! Go back to sleep, I´ll be back home soon!”

“Give me that phone, Fred!”, Roger groans and there´s a bit of a struggle on the other end, before Brian can hear the drummer again, “Bri? You still there?”

“Yes!”, Brian says sharply. 

“I knock this fucking blows because it´s the middle of the night but…can you maybe pick Fred up? We´re not far from you guys´ flat, maybe ten minutes or so but he´s fainted twice and I…I need some help…”, it´s only now that Brian can tell how shaken and desperate Roger sounds. 

His stomach turns with fear and he´s already getting out of bed. 

“Stay where you are, okay? I´ll get there as fast as I can.”

“Thanks man, I´ll send you the location on Google Maps.”, with those words, he hangs up and Brian puts on his jeans and shoes in record time, before he dashes out of the door, shivering in the air of the windy night as he´s on his way to find his friends. 

They really aren´t far off from the flat, sitting down on the curb of the sidewalk, Roger´s arm around Freddie´s shoulders, huddled together as they talk quietly. The streets aren´t so busy anymore, only few people are out and most of them are drunk, stumbling about the nearby kebab shop, laughing and shouting. 

It´s Freddie who spots Brian first and when he gets up from the pavement, Brian can see that his crop top is dirty and his skirt is slightly torn. There´s dried blood on his lip and under his brow, messily wiped away. 

“Brian…”, Freddie says quietly when he´s almost there and then Brian pulls his boyfriend into his arms, feels him shaking and shivering, clinging to him. 

“Freddie, oh baby, I´m so sorry…”, the guitarist whispers into his boyfriend´s hair, which smells like cigarettes and alcohol. 

“It´s okay…”, Freddie sniffles, but Brian can tell that´s very much not, “I´m okay…”

When his gaze finds Roger, he spots that his friend has got a black eye, the bruises forming below his brow already. 

“Roger, oh God!”, he gasps, but the drummer just shakes his head tiredly. 

“It´s alright…I´m alright. It´s Fred who…was roughed up worst…”

They then make their way back to the flat, Freddie limping slightly, the stairs up to the third floor absolute torture. 

Roger volunteers to make them some tea after Brian forces him to accept the icepack he keeps shoving at the drummer, to soothe his black eye a bit and then Brian takes Freddie to the bathroom, where he helps him out of his torn, dirty clothes. 

It´s only now that Brian sees them, the bruises forming on his skinny upper arms, as if someone had grabbed him hard, and on his bony back, as if someone had shoved him. He cleans the wounds on Freddie´s face with an antiseptic wipe, his gaze tenderly resting on his boyfriend´s eyes. 

“Baby…”, Brian says softly, “Please…can you tell me what happened?”

But Freddie just shakes his head and sniffles, his arms hugging his naked chest, so shy and withdrawn all of a sudden. Brian knows that it would be no use to ask more pressing questions, so he just lets Freddie shower, staying in the room to make sure that he doesn´t faint again. 

He then helps him with drying off and getting into a clean set of boxers and a t-shirt and lets Roger into the bathroom, leaving him a set of his pyjamas to change into. There´s no way that he´s going to send Roger back home at this ungodly hour, not with everything that has happened tonight. 

He watches Freddie take his dirty and torn clothes from the night, throwing them into their kitchen bin with an expression of sadness and anger alike, his hands shaking as he presses them in front of his face like he´s suddenly ashamed of himself. 

Brian just takes him to the bedroom, tried to soothe him, sits him down on the bed and nurses some tea into him, gets into his own pyjamas. 

Roger returns from the bathroom, his hair wet and his black eye looking even worse and then he just stands there in front of their bed in Brian´s much too long pyjamas. Brian and Freddie are half under the covers already and then Freddie scoots over a little and for all of his usual coolness and wit, Roger looks like a scared little boy as he climbs into bed with them. 

They are huddled together under the duvet for warmth, Brian on the left, Roger on the right and Freddie in the middle, snuggling up against Brian´s chest, so small and vulnerably, while Roger cuddles up behind him, his chin tucked against Freddie´s shoulder. 

Brian turns off the light on the bedside table and the cats settle down by their feet, purring softly in the dark. It could almost be cosy, reminding Brian a lot of the times three or four years ago when they had all been at the start of their Uni careers, going to parties and falling asleep on someone´s couch, drunk out of their mind, seeking for warmth and some company in a world that was so new, so alien to them. 

Brian believes that the basis of their friendship really has been built on platonic cuddling. 

Only that this isn´t a party and they´re not drunk. This is real and it´s scary and Brian´s heart hurts for both his boyfriend and his best friend. 

They´re all much too shaken, much too scared to sleep and so they just cling to one another, each hanging on to their own thoughts before the first morning light creeps in through the windows. 

Brian must have fallen into a light slumber because when he wakes up, Freddie has his back snuggled up against him, now talking to Roger, who´s awake as well. 

“It´s all my fault…”, he hears Freddie whispering, “Should have never gone out wearing those stupid clothes…”

“Freddie…mate, don´t even say that. That wanker had no right whatsoever to harass you like that.”, Roger whispers back to him. 

“Yeah, but I shouldn´t have slapped him…”, Freddie replies and Brian slowly starts to understand what has happened a few hours before when his friends were out. 

“Fred, he tried to fucking…molest you or something, I saw it with my own two eyes…”, Roger replies in a harsh whisper. 

“He called me an ugly Paki slut…”, Freddie murmurs and Brian can´t help but tighten his hold around his boyfriend´s slim waist. 

It rarely happens, but when it does, it´s always brutal. Brian knows how much Freddie suffers every time someone throws those racial slurs at him, how much pain it inflicts on him. Brian speaks out against those people, calls them out, wants to protect his boyfriend. But he can´t always be there. And it turns out that Roger can´t as well. 

“Fucking bastard!”, the drummer hisses and Brian can hear the anger in his voice. 

“Maybe he´s right…maybe I am nothing but an ugly Paki slut…”, Freddie whispers, his voice breaking at the last words. Brian´s heart stings with the hurt he is feeling upon hearing this. 

“Freddie…no…”, Roger whispers and snuggles up tighter towards the singer, “Fred, mate…oh no, don´t you ever believe that”

The Persian´s shoulders start shaking as the first sob escapes his lips, his body shivering as he finally lets himself cry. Brian feels like his heart could break with how much it pains him to see his boyfriend like this and he´s certain that it´s the same for Roger. 

“And then I fainted…”, Freddie splutters. 

“Because he hit you fucking hard, Fred. That´s fucking arsehole, I should have…”, Roger tries to get in, his jaws clenched tightly with anger, but Freddie interrupts him. 

“And everyone looked at me…liked I´m some kind of freak…who deserved it…”, he whimpers, “They all thought what he thought…all of those other people in the queue…”

“They all thought that he was a bloody arsehole, that´s what they thought, Fred.”, Roger says slowly and Brian carefully brushes his knuckles against the singer´s tear streaked cheek, wiping the wetness away very carefully. 

Brian´s hazel eyes meet Roger´s blue ones and he can tell how upset the drummer is as well. 

Freddie calms down a little, his breathing slowing down until only small sniffles can be heard from him. They´re all quiet for a while, Roger turning onto his back to stare at the ceiling, his arms behind his head. Brian watches him bite his lip, lost in his thoughts. 

He´s glad that the drummer had been with Freddie, that he had defended him even though he´s so utterly sorry for the black eye the other man had suffered in the process. Brian knows that he can always rely on Roger, that he would do anything for his friends. 

“Is he asleep?”, Brian asks quietly after another while of quietly staring out of the window. Freddie´s belly is slowly rising and falling under Brian´s palm. He must be absolutely exhausted after a night like this. 

“Yeah…”, Roger replies in a whisper and Brian nods and then carefully untangles himself from Freddie. 

“I´ll make some breakfast, alright? You get some shut-eye, if you want to.”

Roger seems to want to protest, but to Brian, this is not up for discussion. It´s the least he can do for his friend right now. 

Half an hour later, they all sit around the kitchen table, a silent, sad little party and neither of them really eats much of the toast, scrambled tofu and Earl Grey Brian has prepared from them. 

“Keep your head up, Fred. Don´t let this get you down. See you at rehearsals next week.”, Roger says, hugging both the Persian and Brian tightly before he leaves to go home a little later. 

Freddie´s very quiet for the rest of the day, hides away in their bedroom to work on an essay for his fashion and design course at Uni, the cats snuggling up by his side, sensing that something is wrong. 

Brian knows that his boyfriend needs some peace and quiet and doesn´t force any kind of conversation, goes to do some work on his laptop, sitting at the kitchen table but when the clock strikes 9 pm and Freddie still hasn´t resurfaced from the bedroom, Brian starts to get worried and goes over to see what his boyfriend is up to. 

He finds the singer in front of their large wardrobe, standing in a sea of clothes all strewn around him on the floor. Next to him, there are two large plastic bags, all filled with clothes. Freddie seems frantic, his hands shaking as he goes through the garments, looking at them and then throwing them on the ground or shoving them into one of the plastic bags.

“Hey honey, what are you up to?”, Brian asks carefully. 

“Oh, I´m just…sorting through some of these clothes…throwing out some of the ones I won´t be wearing anymore…”, Freddie explains, barely looking up at Brian as he keeps on sifting through all the shelves. 

Brian steps next to him and sees some emerald green fabric peeking out from one of the plastic bags. As he picks it up, letting the silky material run through his fingers, he instantly knows what it is. 

“Fred, sweetheart, that´s one of your favourite dresses! Are you sure you don´t want to wear this anymore?”, Brian asks him, but Freddie gives him a quick nod. 

“Yeah, yeah, I´m sure. Put it back please, alright darling? I´m not done with sorting through all of this yet…”

Brian sees another type of fabric peeking out from the bag, black, with a floral pattern on and he pulls it out. 

“Oh and there´s your kimono! The one you got from that lovely vintage store in Brighton. You sure about that one?”, he asks and Freddie shakes his head, now visibly irritated. 

“Yes, I am sure, Brimi. Now please put it back, I´ve worked out a system for all of these!”, he snaps. 

“So is this bag for throwing out?”, Brian asks, nodding towards the bag by his feet. 

Freddie gives a deep sigh. He´s stroppy and impatient like he hasn´t been in months. 

“This one´s for throwing out, the other one´s for the charity shop.”, he explains hastily and as he picks up the bag, one of his lacy bralettes falls out from it, the black one that Brian always liked the most.

“Freddie, babes, not this one please! I love that one on you!”, Brian protests as he carefully picks the piece of lingerie up from the floor, but suddenly, Freddie snatches it from his finger´s, his face twisted in anger. 

“Yes, but I hate it!”, he hisses, shoving the delicate bralette back into the plastic bag. 

“No you don´t. You love it. You´ve worn it almost non-stop for the past month. Just like the other ones in there.”, Brian protests, confused as to why his boyfriend is suddenly reacting in such a harsh way.

“Am I not allowed to change my mind?! I don´t want them anymore, that´s why I´m chucking them out! Now would you please stop getting on my tits, I´d like to get done with this before midnight!”, Freddie snaps at him, frantic with anger and agitation. 

Brian softly places his hands onto the singer´s lower arms, looking him in the eyes to try and calm him down. 

“Fred honey, look, if this is about yesterday and what happened at the club then you really need to know that…”, he says carefully, his voice gentle, but Freddie is having none of it, completely closing himself off. 

“No, I don´t want to hear one of your stupid little lectures! Leave me alone!”, he tears himself free from Brian´s hold. 

“Baby, all I´m saying is…”, Brian says slowly, his hands raised. 

“Oh shut up, Brian!”, Freddie suddenly shouts and slams the door of the wardrobe shut with a loud bang. 

There´s a second of shocked silence from the both of them. Freddie´s breathing is ragged and he´s shaking. Brian takes in a deep, steadying breath. 

“Freddie, please do not talk to me like that. That´s absolutely not acceptable.”, he says slowly and Freddie lowers his gaze in shame, not yet ready to admit to his mistake. He can be like a child somehow, an angry little boy who wants to smash all of his toys to pieces once the read mist descends. 

“You don´t even know what it´s like…You don´t…”, he stammered, but then, suddenly, he sinks into himself, his gaze lowered in defeated shame, “Fuck…” 

He rapidly blinks against the tears and then presses the back of his hand against his quivering lower lip.

“Fuck, I´m sorry…”, he curses and Brian can´t stay away for much longer, just steps closer and places his hands onto Freddie´s shoulders, “I didn´t mean to…Fuck, Brian, I´m so sorry…”, the singer says, his voice shaking as he looks up into Brian´s eyes. 

Brian takes him into his arms and Freddie clings to him like he hasn´t done in a very long time. 

“It´s okay…It´s okay, baby. You were upset, it´s alright, don´t worry.”, Brian whispers, kisses the top of his head and instantly forgives him for his harsh words. He can tell in how much distress his boyfriend is at the moment, even though his mind is still unsure about the true reason for it. 

“I was so silly…”, Freddie suddenly whispers against the skin of Brian´s neck, “So silly to believe that I could ever…be beautiful…” 

“Oh honey, no…”, Brian replies, wants to take his boyfriend´s face into his hands to kiss those tears away, but Freddie doesn´t let him. 

“I don´t want them anymore…all of those stupid clothes…”, he whispers, pulling away from Brian and looking down at the plastic bags. There´s so much pain inside of his voice, so much fear inside of his eyes. 

Gently, Brian takes his hands into his and squeezes them softly. 

“We can put them into the storage containers under the bed…That way you wouldn´t have to look at them anymore but we won´t have to throw them out. It would be such a waste, hmm?”, he suggests and Freddie looks at him for a few silent seconds before he nods, slowly. 

“Okay…yeah, that´s alright…”

During the following week, the clothes remain where Brian has put them in the storage containers, neatly folded and stuffed into travelling cubes to organize them. Freddie removes his makeup from the pretty little basket by the bathroom mirror and puts it next to the clothes, out of sight. It´s as if he´s clearing all evidence of femininity from their flat. 

Instead, he starts borrowing t-shirts from Brian, wears them with sweaters and jeans and doesn´t even put on any of his rings or necklaces anymore. On Friday, he comes back home with a new haircut, his hair much shorter and curlier now, the cut much more masculine than the wavy shag he has worn before. 

It´s not that it doesn´t suit him, this sudden change and of course Brian would never say anything about it but he looks strangely bare, like a muted, toned down version of himself. 

Then, an invitation arrives by post, a lovely little card that invites Freddie to the wedding of one of his cousins. Brian is excited for him, but Freddie takes offence to the fact that he won´t be able to take Brian as his plus one, since many of his family members don´t approve of same-sex relationships. 

“I shouldn´t even accept this!”, Freddie complains one night as the card falls into his hands again while they´re preparing dinner, “Those people call themselves my family, yet they don´t even accept me for who I am.”

“Fred, honey, you don´t have to go to this, if it weighs you down so much. You could just tell your parents that…”, Brian suggests.

He puts down the knife he has been chopping salat with, looking at Freddie, who stands leaning against the windowsill, his arms crossed in front of his slim chest while Tom headbutts him in the calf. Freddie picks up the cat and absentmindedly strokes it´s soft fur.

“Oh no, they´d start a proper fight over this. In their eyes, I should count myself lucky that they so much as talk to me…even though I´m…”, he murmurs but doesn´t finish his sentence and just grumpily continues to stroke Tom. 

Brian dries his hands on a teatowel and then walks over to his boyfriend, taking Tom from his arms and gently putting him down on the floor so that he can have Freddie´s full attention. 

“Baby, I´m sure that´s not how they think anymore. Yes, their reaction when you came out to them was less than ideal, but that was 12 years ago and you had to come out against your will.”, the singer´s face shows a flash of pain when he hears Brian´s words. 

He only knows about Freddie´s parent´s reaction from stories, but the Bulsara household had apparently been in a right state after Bomi and Jer had found out that their son was having a fling with one of his classmates back at his all-male-boarding-school when Freddie had been just 14. 

Brian gently places a hand onto Freddie´s shoulder. 

“Maybe we…you and I together…could have a chat with them. I´d be there with you and maybe they´d see that you´re happy and that this is a stable, loving relationship.”, he continues and Freddie gives him a smile, but it´s a rather sad one. Slowly, the Persian shakes his head. 

“It´s not…not in their eyes…and it could never be…”, he says quietly and then raises a hand to tenderly stroke Brian´s cheek with his thumb, “Thank you Brimi, you´re a sweetheart…and I´m sure they´d adore you if you were just a good friend and I would still be with dear Mary…but that just isn´t the case. You´re my man. And if they don´t accept that…then I´d either have to cut them off…”, he sighs, shaking his head, “Which I can´t do, because it would break my poor mother´s heart…Or I´ll just suck it up and keep my mouth shut. They´ll never accept me for who I really am. There´s no use in trying, Brimi.”

It pains Brian to hear those words, to know how much it is hurting the man he loves to keep on hiding this part of his life from his parents. They want nothing to do with it, want to hear nothing about it and Brian can´t help but find it unfair, even though he would never judge a person´s religious beliefs. 

The day of the wedding rolls around and when Freddie steps out of the bedroom and into the kitchen, he´s wearing a plain dark blue suit he´s borrowed from John, paired with a white shirt, black tie and black shoes. His face is clean-shaven, his hair is combed back, held in place by a bit of gel. He´s the picture of the perfect son, neat and tidy and he looks dashing, but Brian can tell how uncomfortable and out of place he feels by taking just one look at him. 

Still, he wants to cheer his boyfriend up. 

“You look very handsome.”, he says softly, as Freddie walks over to him and the guitarist slings an arm around his waist. Freddie smells of the perfume his parents have given him two birthdays ago, a sophisticatedly masculine scent that smells lovely but feels very out of character. 

“Thank you, Brimi…”, Freddie murmurs and leans against Brian, lets him take him into his arms and stays there for a few minutes, before he draws away with a deep sigh, gives Brian a peck on the lips and then swiftly gets out the door. 

When he returns late at night, slipping into the bed behind a sleepy Brian, he´s quietly nuzzling his face into the guitarist´s neck. Brian turns around and takes him into his arms. In a hushed voice, he asks his boyfriend about the wedding and he can see Freddie´s eyes shimmering wetly in the dark, when he talks about the beautiful wedding dress his cousin has worn. 

There is so much longing inside of his eyes and so much pain and yearning for a life that he can´t lead and won´t let himself have at the moment. 

It is then that Brian knows he needs to do something about this situation. It simply is too hurtful to watch Freddie deprave himself of everything that had once given him so much joy and confidence.   
Brian´s birthday is approaching fast and once again, Freddie is planning a little get-together for the band. He´s not a big fan of parties but he´s comfortable with this and he knows how much Freddie loves to play host, prepare food and drinks, put up decorations and make playlists to fit every kind of mood.   
It´s no different this time.   
On the morning of his birthday, Freddie wakes Brian up with vegan chocolate cake, fresh coffee and vegan croissants from the guitarist´s favourite bakery as well as a huge sunflower in a vase. They have breakfast in bed, trying to keep the cats from helping themselves to some cake and having a splendid morning. 

Freddie absolutely spoils him with presents, each of them wrapped into lovely sunflower-yellow wrapping paper, a new camera, which turns out to be a beautiful model from the 70s complete with films, two lovely vintage button-down shirts from Depop, that Freddie has embroidered himself with some silver threads, which makes them look absolutely amazing and even vegan Doc Martins, which make Brian call his boyfriend crazy, because he knows much money they cost.

They go to Brian´s favourite café for lunch and then take a long walk along the canals, enjoying some ice cream and the warm weather but Brian is eager to get home on time, because there´s still something he has planned. 

Once they get back to the flat, Freddie feeds the cats in the kitchen and Brian sees his chance to move forward with his plan. Out of the lowest cupboard of his side of the wardrobe, he pulls a little package wrapped in simple white tissue paper with a white silken bow around it. 

“Got something for you, honey.”, he says softly as he returns to the kitchen. 

Freddie looks at him with a surprised smile, curiously eying up the package in his boyfriend´s hands. 

“For me? But darling, this is your birthday!”

“Yes, I know. And I´m going to enjoy this as well.”, he hands Freddie the present and watches the singer take it carefully, his fingers slightly sticky on the delicate wrapping, “Come on, open it, I want to see if you like it.”, Brian encourages him and Freddie slowly, carefully opens the bow. 

There´s a sliver of pale-green silken and then, as Freddie takes it out of the wrapping, a slip-dress with a slit at the bottom, knee-length and dainty, just like Freddie loves it best, becomes visible.

Brian watches his boyfriend hold up the dress by the slim straps and slowly, the smile on his lips turns a little forced, a twitch to his lower lip. 

“Oh…”, Freddie says softly, but he doesn´t sound happy or excited. The sound is empty, defeated, a hollow act. 

“I…I saw it in a shop on Kensington Highstreet and I know you´re currently really into this type of green so I thought I´d get it for you…so you can wear it around the flat when it gets a bit warmer or maybe tonight, I´m sure you´d look stunning in it an…”, Brian tries to explain, his voice steady but the words slightly hasty. He´s previously wondered if Freddie would react like this, even feared it a little. But he´s determined to go through with this. 

“Brian…darling, I…It´s such a lovely present and I really appreciate but I…I can´t…”, Freddie´s finger carefully stroke the silky material of the dress.

“Freddie…baby, I…I know you enjoy those types of clothes…And that´s fine! When you wear them, you radiate so much confidence and happiness and you seem so full of light and joy. Because they make you feel good in your own skin, I can see it! Everyone can!”, Brian says, his hands clasping his boyfriend´s over the material of the dress. 

“Brimi…darling…I…”, Freddie whispers, his voice heavy with the tears he tries to blink away, his hands, no, his whole body trembling as he looks up at Brian. 

“Please…Freddie, please don´t be scared! Please don´t tone yourself down because you think you need to do that to please certain people.”, Brian whispers back at him and Freddie´s eyelashes flutter, the words seemingly reaching his ears but his mind numb to the message. 

“I…I don´t know if I can wear it, Brian.”, he says softly, defeat and pain flashing over his features. 

“And you don´t have to, baby. It´s all fine. I just wanted to give this to you because I thought you´d like it. And you do, don´t you?”, Brian asks carefully, gently placing a hand onto the singer´s cheek, his thumb caressing over Freddie´s cheekbone and the small scar under his eye. 

“Yes…it´s beautiful…”, the Persian replies with a sad smile, his eyes back on Brian. 

“That´s all I wanted. To make you happy, hmm sweetheart? That´s all I wanted for my birthday. To see you smiling again.”, Brian says and Freddie´s smile grows a little more genuine, a little lighter, as he leans in to kiss the guitarist onto the corner of his mouth. 

“Thank you, Brian darling. Thank you so much.”

Freddie puts the dress on a hanger and hangs it on the doorknob of their wardrobe, carefully smoothing out the silky soft green material. They then get back to preparing the food and drink, listening to music, the mood much lighter than before. 

Brian goes to the bathroom to get changed into his party clothes, one of the shirts Freddie has given him as his birthday present today and a pair of black jeans. He puts a bit of product into his hair to keep the frizz under control and comes to the realisation that 26 doesn´t feel much different than 25, although it feels much more different than 21 because he now has everything he´s ever dreamed off.

He gets out of the bathroom, walks into their living-/bedroom…and sucks in a sharp breath as he takes in the picture in front of him. Freddie is wearing the dress and is currently in the process of putting on his favourite black kimono on top of it. 

The singer gives him a shy little smile and blushes but Brian can feel his heart beating fast and hard with happiness. “You look amazing, baby.”, Brian says softly and the singer lets out a pleased little giggle. 

Freddie´s holding his makeup basket in his hands and then quietly slinks off to the bathroom to put on a killer combo of glittery golden eyeshadow and Brian´s favourite shade of peachy lipgloss. 

The evening with Roger and John is wonderful. John, together with his new girlfriend Veronica, has baked Brian a vegan birthday cake and Roger brings not one, not two but three bottles of champagne, which they have between the four of them. 

Once again, Roger and Freddie dance together, Freddie giggling and screeching and joking about as the drummer sways him around the room and Brian can see how comfortable he´s feeling, simply being himself. 

It´s past two in the morning when their two friends leave, sufficiently tipsy and tired and Brian and Freddie do only the bear necessities of cleaning up the mess of the party, give the cats a well-past-midnight-snack and then retreat back to their bedroom. 

“I hope you liked your birthday, darling…”, Freddie whispers into the dark when they have climbed under the covers, the singer now lying in his arms, “Not just your party…the whole day I mean…”

“It´s been an absolutely brilliant. I couldn´t have asked for a better birthday. Thank you…thank you so much, Freddie.”, Brian kisses him softly on the lips, lingering close as they trade sweet, close-lipped little pecks.

“You looked so so beautiful today, baby….”, Brian says in between those gentle kisses, whispers those words. When Brian wants to kiss his boyfriend´s lips again, Freddie has turned his head slightly to the side, so that Brian´s mouth lands on his cheek. 

When the guitarist draws back, his boyfriend´s eyes are full of shyness as they look up at him, black as the night. 

“Do you really think that, Brimi? Do you really find me beautiful?”, Freddie asks in a voice so small that Brian can barely understand him. 

“Yes of course, baby…Of course I do…How could I not?”, Brian asks with a gentle smile. 

“And…”, Freddie swallows thickly before he continues to speak, “…when you think of me as beautiful…do you think of me as Melina…or as Freddie?”

“Hmm…”, Brian hums softly, his pointer finger now tenderly mapping out the contour of his boyfriend´s sharp cheekbones and jawline, “Do I have to decide?” 

“Well darling, they are two different people.”, Freddie replies with a nervous smile. 

“Really, are they?”, Brian´s thumb swipes along the singer´s chin, the skin slightly scratchy to the touch due to the shadow of his beard, “They´re not much different to me, you see.”, Brian´s smile grows a little wider, „Both of them are graceful, sweet, intelligent, witty, creative…Loving, kind and warm…Strong…and beautiful…”

The words seem to hit the Persian right into the heart, making him flush, making his eyes grow misty as he takes a slow, deep breath to calm himself down. 

“B-but which one of the two do you want more?”, he finally whispers and there´s fear and pain inside of his eyes, raw and unmasked, so vulnerable.

“I want them both equally, baby. To my heart, they both go by the same name…which is whichever name you tell me to call them…to call you?”, Brian replies and tenderly strokes Freddie´s cheek. 

“I think I like both names…for different kinds of situations…”, the singer is shaking as he´s speaking, the flush spreading down his neck towards his naked chest, “I´m still figuring out which name I should go by…”

“That´s fine.”, Brian says calmly, a soft smile playing at his lips and Freddie quirks up an eyebrow, surprise written all over his face. 

“It is…?”, he asks, his voice tentative and full of doubt. 

“Course it is.”, the guitarist replies. Suddenly, a lot of the things that had been going on for the past weeks start falling into place and Brian couldn´t be happier. 

But this doesn´t seem to be the case for the singer. Freddie´s movements indicate that he wants to sit up, slipping out of Brian´s arms as the guitarist sits up as well. In the dark, Brian can see Freddie almost looking distraught, his chest rising rapidly with hasty breaths. 

“O-okay…”, the Persian stammered and gently, carefully, Brian takes his hand and looks his partner in the eyes. 

“Honey…”, he says softly, trying to pull Freddie from the suddenly descended panic, “It´s all fine, okay? There´s no need to worry.” 

“I…I just…I`m…I´m a little c-confused…at the moment…”, Freddie hiccups through his fast breathing and Brian nods gently, inching a little closer again. 

“And that´s alright, baby. You´re figuring stuff out…exploring things a bit…”, Brian says, placing a soft kiss onto the back of Freddie´s hand. 

“Yeah…yeah, I am…”, the Persian stammers as a silent tear begins to run down his cheek. Freddie hastily wipes it away. His eyes still seem a little dazed, as if he can´t quite believe the fact that Brian is supporting and even encouraging him. 

“And that´s wonderful, Fred. That´s amazing.”, Brian replies and suddenly, Freddie´s dark eyes are on his again. He takes a long, deep inhale before he speaks again. 

“I don´t know if I feel like a man anymore…but…I´m not sure if I want to be a woman either…”

“But baby…you don´t have to settle for either of those terms if that doesn´t feel right to you.”, Brian says gently, “You can just be yourself. Your wonderful, amazing self. Everything else is going to fall into place, I´m sure of it.”

“You…you don´t mind it?”, Freddie stammers and another tear rolls down his skin, collecting on his chin, where Brian carefully brushes it away with his thumb. 

“Mind it?! Of course I don´t, baby. As I said…I think you´re beautiful…either way…any way, baby…”, he smiles at Freddie and interlaces their fingers. 

“But…will you even be attracted to me when I´m…when I´m n-…?”, the Persian murmurs but he gets stuck on the last word, the meaning of it maybe seeming too heavy, too powerful to speak it aloud. 

“When you identify as non-binary? Would that be a term you´re comfortable with?”, Brian asks gently and the sound of his voice, of the term, of finally hearing it, hearing it from his partner´s lips, makes Freddie shiver, his lashes fluttering shut in an attempt to keep himself from crying. 

“Yes…”, he whispers, his breath hitching, “Yes, I think I would be comfortable with that…for now…”

“Splendid, I´m happy for you, babe.”, Brian replies with a sweet smile, “Now…for your question…” 

“Yes?”, Freddie looks up at him with dark, shimmering eyes, his nose running a slight bit.

“Freddie, I am literally pansexual! Have you forgotten about that?”, Brian says softly and strokes his partner´s cheek. 

“Yes but…you only know me as a…bloke…”, Freddie replies, his voice so small, his face so full of worry. 

“Freddie, darling, I never saw you as a bloke.”, Brian laughs, “I always saw you as Freddie…as the wonderful, amazing, beautiful human-being that you are. And that´ll never change, baby.”  
Brian watches Freddie blush, those gentle, loving words soothing his soul and seeming to slowly, steadily wash away his worry.

“My love for you doesn´t come with a label and it isn´t tied to a gender. You´re my partner, you´re my best friend, you´re the love of my life, baby. You´re everything I could ever ask for and more.”, Brian adds and slowly, a smile starts to appear on the singer´s features. 

He seems touched, his hands shaking slightly as he frames Brian´s face with them and looks up at him. 

“Oh Brimi…Oh darling, that…”, his voice breaks and fresh tears begin to roll down his cheeks, “That means so much to me…I love you so…so much, Brian May, you wonderful, wonderful man.”  
He leans in to kiss Brian and the guitarist tastes the Persian´s tears and the ghost of his smile, Freddie humming softly as Brian pulls him into his arms. 

“Wear whatever you want, baby. Dress in whichever way makes you feel comfortable and confident and happy. That´s all I want for you. That´s all we all ever want for you, Rog and John and Mary and your sister and yes, also your parents, even if they might need more time to accept it and even Tom and Jerry!”, Brian whispers against his skin as they break apart, “All of us! Because we love you”

Freddie looks up at him, his cheeks flushes and wet with tears but there´s a smile on his lips and a shimmer in his eyes that gives Brian hope, makes him see the light of their future together. They might not have everything figured out just yet, might go through more struggles, more confusion and more heartache but right now, things seem okay. 

Brian knows how uncomfortable, how hard and draining it can be to grow into yourself. But it´s worth the journey, worth the growing-pains and all the wondering, all the worrying.   
“I´ll always be there for you, Fred. Always.”, Brian says with a gentle smile. 

“Thank you, darling. Thank you for always believing in me, even when I don´t believe in myself.”, Freddie replies and there´s a shimmer in his eyes, a new-found strength. 

A sudden idea starts to manifest in Brian´s mind and he grins at his partner. 

“Are you very tired, honey?”, Brian asks, a little slyly. 

“No…”, Freddie replies, as smile appearing on his lips, “I like the look on your face. What´s on your mind, darling?”

“Would you paint my nails? And I´ll paint yours? Like in the old days.”, Brian suggests and almost immediately, there´s a sparkle in Freddie´s eyes. 

“With the greatest pleasure, Brimi dear.”, he gets up from the bed and shimmies away in his Calvin Klein underwear, “I´ll get out the nail polish!”


End file.
